Can I be me
Am I that free
Answer to no one
Live in the moment
Smile while you’re laughing
Stand running forward
Chair near the wall
Rug in a corner
Walk through a puddle
Not get in trouble
Joy now reflected
Cook undetected
Talk at the table
Mentally able
Say words that matter
No mindless clatter
Frozen unlabeled
Dust covered shelf
Volumes of life
Marked with a pen
Climb to the top
Stand on the mountain
Happy Friday everyone. I have had a pretty good week working on the book and balancing other tasks in my life. I have reached a milestone and one for me that is important. I am once again able to take my usual walks without anxiety.
Daily dreams and nightmares seemed to keep company with day time vigils. Locking checking and planning an escape route if it became necessary. I looked through the slider and out onto amazing land that rolled and dipped, dotted by tractors and an occasional pasture. Memories of summer evenings and moonlit drives along the winding Palouse had faded and were replaced by an all-encompassing vision that this was no longer my home.
A faint crunching kept pace with footsteps that at first moved gingerly past brightly colored houses. The stride widened as confidence grew and an increase in speed took over. Bare streets stood in contrast to the distant Palouse, now a brown and white patchwork of snow and fields waiting to be planted. Geese floated giving their customary greeting of honks and a visible formation crossed overhead. Three grain silos marked my favorite scene, one that was viewed daily from the wooden deck he had enlarged just 3 years before. The old red barn held it’s place in the backdrop and was a welcome reminder that we were in farm country. A pristine winter sky engulfed the landscape making it seem endless and I walked the loop without looking back once.
The little road trip we took yesterday was to my hometown. We went so that I could have a skin check. A few weeks back my nose became red on one side and a bit swollen, it was painful. It finally subsided but a little blemish remained. My family dr. felt it was nothing but since I was due for a skin check I decided to go a little early.
As many of you know last year I was diagnosed with basal cell skin cancer. I was so anxious dealing with PTSD that I could not share with my friends here on the blog. I also had several very good blog friends going through serious cancer struggles and I felt ridiculous to speak of this minor issue. But, when I got home from surgery that day I decided it would be a good thing to let everyone know what was going on. People were so supportive and reached out helping to calm my fears. The picture below is of me in the car on the 90 minute trip home after surgery last November.
My sweet son Abdullah took me to Spokane for surgery and for the initial appointment before that. The surgery was a little more involved than I expected but I was very lucky and so happy that it was confined to a fairly small area. It was in between my nose and lip. The were stitches going from the side of my nose near my cheek, down through my lip. I felt very fortunate to have something simple and easy to remove. On the way home things started to thaw out and the pain started.
At home the kids all helped me out while I settled in on the couch.
I was amazed at the precision of the stitches, the pain lasted through the night but was much better the next day.
Over time the bandage got smaller and smaller. My lips were swollen and the scar looked pretty bad, but to be honest I didn’t care, just wanted to make sure they got all of the cancer cells. Again, grateful for the ability to have this excellent medical care and my family to help me get to and from Spokane.
This was the result after stitches were almost gone. Things looked pretty good but OCD and PTSD took over and I was very anxious. After a sescond skin check and a look at the site of the basal, I felt a little better.
I bought a hat, it flew off on my walk. Sumaya bought me a stylish blue hat with a tie and then I bought a second one for myself. I always wear sunblock, keep my hat on, wear appropriate clothing when outside and try not to be out laying around in the sun during the worst hours for sun exposure.
The skin check went well and I was told that the spot most likely is related to the surgery and the stitches that take time to dissolve. After going to the clinic we visited with our little family! The boys are as sweet as ever.
Thanks for the support that each of you give me. It means so very much to me! I have found so many lovely friends through blogging and this has given me the ability to just be me!
Love Lynn
Dear friends,
Today I will share my achievements with you. I am not talking about a new job or status but about the little things. It feels strange to share these things but many good friends have encouraged me to be proud for the things I have accomplished and not the things that keep me stuck! In keeping with my theme of being real, I will disclose these things in hopes that it might help even one person.
A blogger friend told me yesterday that I had helped her through my writing! That was huge for me and helped me feel more excited about finishing my book. This also helped me in so many ways–Thank you!
It is hard to write this list because it is embarrassing in many ways, but people have encouraged me to look at how far I have come and what I can do, not the things that I am unable to do. I was the lady who did it all and kept going no matter what, but I must own these things and who I am and also take pride in what I have accomplished.
Things that have changed in the past few months
I have been diagnosed with PTSD and OCD. The PTSD has made my OCD way worst over the past few years. I am working hard and trying to get back to me, even if it is a new me!
I have not been on wordpress as much lately, have not posted recipes or stories. I am trying to keep my blog going and stay in touch with everyone which has been hard. If I have not visited you lately, please excuse my absence. I have worked hard to create this space and do not want to just drop it and so I struggle each day to be as present here as I can. This is something I am proud of and I feel blessed to have so many good and caring friends here!
I have OCD, there I said it. I remember as a child explaining to a new friend all about my rituals. She was confused and asked many questions but after that day our friendship didn’t go any further. I never knew my behavior or ideas were different but learned to keep them to myself.
Years later when living in Saudi I experienced symptoms that were worse and so I researched online and realized I had OCD! I still lived in denial and quite frankly was trying to survive through an emotionally, spiritually, verbally, financially and intimately abusive marriage, so OCD was not my main focus.
Here I am now, age 54, having to face it and to figure out what to do. I was unsure, was it PTSD, Anxiety or OCD. After he visited 18 months ago and it ended badly, things started falling apart. I have seen therapists and taken other little steps but still find I am living in fear and anxiety. I am telling you this because a good blogging friend told me to reach out and express myself.
Once again I thank you for your love, caring and support.
Lynn
