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True life story- Balance due

Al-Khobar, Saudi Arabia 2009

A thin veil of fog still drifted past my thinking and functioning brain, protecting me from everyday events that were no longer fathomable. I bit my lap and scratched my chin holding back a flood of tears that would inevitably turn to sobbing. Choking and gasping breaths had been quieted and normal respiratory functions returned. A single tear dripped down my face landing awkwardly just beneath my nose.  I could not let the barrier down, the one that held back uncontrollable desperation. It did no good to cry and fueled a rage that had now become unyielding. I wiped my face and pulled my clothes together in a tidy fashion, spitting on a tattered sleeve, pausing before I opened the door and silently drifted away.

Idaho 2015

A solid and unwavering resolve that had been steadfast until his advances had become aggressive and unrelenting now teetered.  It had been 10 days since his arrival and simple kindness interspersed with cold and calculating manipulation was somehow noticeable as I watched his eyes. I had never seen this thinly shrouded phenomena that reeled me in and then knocked me down repeatedly until now. I smiled and laughed nervously, keeping him at arm’s length while still offering a measure of appeasement. He edged nearer, placing his hands just over my shoulders and onto the wall, his body pressing closer with each movement. A part of me wanted to give in and surrender to a sick and familiar reality that kept the relative peace for days, hours or possibly only minutes. He spoke quietly and reminded me that I was the mother of his nine children, the key to all that he held dear in this earthly existence. I scratched my chin and cheek inching closer to the bathroom door, almost forgetting the previous violent encounters in Al-Khobar and Riyadh.

I knew that submission would once again fuel the never ending cycle and would also mean a short lived peace. The choice had never been mine to make and had always hinged solely on survival. But in the present I felt a surging power and with it the reality of his words that left an indelible mark, “Lynn, you are only good for one thing“.  I entered the bathroom and slammed the door,  knowing full well a price of some kind would be held in the balance.

 

 

 

 

83 Comments Post a comment
  1. Alice #

    What a monster! Thank God you were brave and escaped. Look around and see the beauty that surrounds you now! You are truly blessed!!! ❤️💐❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
  2. It is good to know tat your value is not determined by how you are treated! Your are valuable, Lynn! Blessings! XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
  3. Carmen #

    Lynn, I find myself holding my breath when I’m reading your reminisces. I sense that there are other, more violent memories that keep you writing. I am so sorry you had to go through these experiences. They were not your fault.
    You just fell in love with the wrong man, like so many other women. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
    • Thank you Carmen. I have not been able to talk about intimacy and it is the hardest and most vulnerable part.

      Like

      April 13, 2018
      • Carmen #

        That’s what I suspected, Lynn. Which brings tears to my eyes. I hope you realize that by exposing your vulnerability, you are gaining power. What he did was wrong; or I should say everything he did was wrong. It was not your fault.

        Liked by 1 person

        April 13, 2018
        • Thank you Carmen. It is weird because I know that now but it still seems it’s me. xx

          Like

          April 13, 2018
          • Carmen #

            As long as you continue to think it’s you, he will be the victor. That’s what’s so insidious about abusers. He used your vulnerability to his advantage; his control was absolute. Thankfully, you escaped — no mean feat!! Kudos to you, Lynn. xx

            Liked by 1 person

            April 13, 2018
          • xoxoxo

            Like

            April 13, 2018
  4. For the past 24 hours, I’ve been reading your story non-stop. It’s heartwarming to read what all you’ve been through for so many years of your life. I wonder why you didn’t just leave earlier, maybe it’s easier said than done.

    Also, you’re a fighter, a survivor who didn’t run away from the war field. You stood your ground and you left only when you had nothing else to lose.

    I reside in Saudi Arabia and I’m sorry this place has some dark memories for you to remember. I wish it could have been better, so that now you’d be cherishing the moments rather than dreading them. But as they say, destiny has a lot of games to play with us.

    I can see you’re very content with life in present and I hope your past just stays there for you to become the strong woman you are today. I’m proud of you and my heart goes out to you.

    I wish you and your beautiful family a never ending happiness, whatever life has to offer you, I only pray that it is nothing but joy, healthy and prosperity.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
    • Thanks for reading and for caring! I met him when I was 20 and he presented as a “dream man” very kind and tolerant and then things slowly fell apart. The abuser erodes your self esteem until you do not even realize who you are. I only left when my two children refused to go back to Saudi! I was not allowed to work or to have any financial independence and so I was really lost at first. It has been a long road but we have survived.

      Liked by 1 person

      April 13, 2018
      • You’re welcome.
        Has it ever crossed your mind that he could be suffering from a mental illness? Because I don’t think a sane human would be like that. I’m sorry if this has offended you, but I’m too moved by your story and there are so many questions building up.

        Liked by 2 people

        April 13, 2018
        • No offense at all. I want to inform people and educate. We married secretly, then he pushed me to change religions, then we moved to Saudi far away from family. Yes I agree about mental illness.

          Liked by 2 people

          April 13, 2018
          • Yes I really think that besides the cultural aspects of treatment of women, he is also a complete narcissist, which is a mental issue. I’m sure you have read about that. I have several people close to me who have “escaped” from relationships with narcissists and their emotional reactions have been much like yours. I am so happy for you and your family that you all are doing so well! God bless! ❤️ Debra

            Liked by 1 person

            April 13, 2018
          • Debra yes I think narcissism is the true issue here for sure! Thanks for your support! xxxxx

            Liked by 1 person

            April 13, 2018
  5. Lynn, you have so much joy and goodness in you! You are a wonderful woman, mother and grandmother and I am so pleased to call you my friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
  6. Anonymous #

    ❤ keep writing it’s cleansing your beautiful soul❤

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
  7. I hope he never comes back to disrupt your happy life, but I do hope, one day he realises about the hell he put you through, but then it would be too late to remorse over what a gem of a person he has lost forever.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
  8. Lynn, I have a strong urge to punch the guy in the nose.
    Leslie

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
  9. And now you are surrounded with those who love you. Your grand kids are all beautiful! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
  10. This gets harder and harder to read. Knowing you lived it is hard to fathom. You must have numbed yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
  11. What a scary and yet empowering time as you began to see through the manipulations. I love your surging power as you begin to tear away, Lynn. You are and always have been a powerful woman. You claimed it; you own it. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
  12. Lynn, Hats off to you for having the courage to come out of it,

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
  13. I know I’ll go back and read all of these from beginning to end, but they are fascinating and horifying at the same time. Lynn, younshould publish this in book form, especiall in ebook form so I can read it more easily. I’m losing vision now because of the MS and it’s so hard for me to see everytging, but I so want to read your story!

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
  14. balindsey2015 #

    The final unbearable humiliation, taking that which can no longer be given freely and lovingly. You have been so brave. How terrifying it must have been. I’m so glad your children were brave enough to refuse to return to the nightmare, and through them you were able to escape his evilness. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 13, 2018
  15. It must feel so good to have escaped such a traumatic past Lynn. Each new day of freedom is indeed a blessing. 🌼

    Liked by 1 person

    April 14, 2018
  16. Lynn, my heart breaks reading your posts about this part of your life … I feel sickened by it and what horror and shame to continually hold your children to keep you. Your final collections of photos is always full of positive life and spirit. Hugs, xx

    Liked by 1 person

    April 14, 2018
  17. You owe nothing. You have earned your peace and joy through love and determination.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 14, 2018
  18. I don’t know how you endured it. You’re a strong person, Lynn.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 14, 2018
  19. You have come so far Lynn! I am so glad you and your children are away from that monster! You now have such an amazing life with such amazing children and grandchildren! xoxoxox

    Liked by 1 person

    April 14, 2018
  20. Heart-felt cheers for you, Lynn !! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    April 14, 2018
  21. I didn’t realize he had been back since as soon as 2015!! But even look what strides you have made since then. You are a true warrior my dear! xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    April 14, 2018
  22. You are safe now!

    Liked by 1 person

    April 14, 2018
  23. Aaaaarrrghh

    Like

    April 14, 2018
  24. Lynz, You are so brave.and glad you stood up and chose a better life! Keep charging forward and don’t look back!

    Liked by 1 person

    April 14, 2018
  25. It hurts to read this dear sis.💜

    Liked by 1 person

    April 14, 2018
  26. I have not been in your shoes but have had someone control my moves and put me down.
    I left with a 1 ,3 and 5 year old. But it was in the U.S. and it meant waiting tables and putting my furniture in a cubicle storage space. It was helpful to have friends and parents in the same country. . . Just a voice to help those who may not want to stay and who may be able to leave with less scars and wounds upon their psyche.🌈 I’m so glad you are getting strong against him, I am proud of your fierce ways, Lynn. 🙏 🌈

    Liked by 1 person

    April 15, 2018
    • Thank you Robin!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

      Like

      April 15, 2018
      • You are so welcome and I wish I had been able to “be there” for You! I am blessed knowing you Now! 💖
        ❤️💜💙💚💛❤️

        Liked by 1 person

        April 15, 2018
  27. I am pretty much speechless my friend. Knowing that the likes of him are on this earth is shattering. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    April 15, 2018
  28. The present pictures more than balance the past.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 15, 2018
  29. but look at all those smiling faces that NOW holds! (K)

    Liked by 1 person

    April 16, 2018
  30. oh no…shivers went up and down my spine …

    Liked by 1 person

    April 20, 2018

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