A gift
This story is about worthiness and that is something that I still struggle with today, a residual effect of domestic violence.
2014 Idaho
Tears stung my eyes and a flood of emotions seemed to make a steady barrage on my senses. I stepped outside and down the walkway marching, sighing and feeling indignant at the thought. It was hard to contain my anger and now tears fell into a steady stream until I finally sobbed. Shame, guilt and confusion overrode my logical mind. I felt betrayed and sickened, it was wrong and strange and there was nothing I could do about it, nothing. I looked once again at the box that had been pushed onto the front porch and felt a tinge of calm take over. It was a fancy coffee maker complete with milk steamer and accessories. I would find a simple and kind way to return the contents but I wasn’t sure exactly how. I had cooked for this family member that was all, it was nothing. Why would he buy me such an expensive gift and how would I explain to myself that I was worthy.
Riyadh 2007
The kids gathered around me and held out boxes wrapped in bright colors with bows. I was shocked and unsure and saw him glance our way. They told me that they wanted to do something special for me and so they had come up with a plan that included gifts and making lunch. I continued to monitor his gestures as he sighed and gave a chuckle. I opened the package carefully removing tape and ribbons slowly, savoring each moment. It was as if for that brief minute I was a real mom, entitled to love and affection and even gifts. I smiled and hugged each child as they clambered to smell the fragrance of this set they had personally put together. The basket containing special lotions, perfumes and body wash was organized neatly and wrapped with a pink ribbon. A second parcel lay on the counter, a large piece of paper that had been covered with a delicate layer of tissue, topped with a tiny bow. I gently removed the outer layer and looked at the contents. A poem and picture including hearts and flowers had been written and designed by See See. I read it over silently and hugged her telling her it was perfect. The little ones grabbed my hands and drug me to the dining room where eggs and toast lay on the table.
It was a joyful day and although he skulked in the background it appeared that he had accepted this little celebration, forgetting his unwritten rule that no gifts would be given to mama. Later that night he held the paper and words that described me as a mother, faithful, loving and amazing. He picked up parts of the gift basket and looked at each label, turning them from side to side. Finally his silence was broken and he laughed holding the paper in hand looking as if he would tear it in half. “This is who? Who? Your mother? “He laughed until he could no longer breathe and threw it down onto the bed half rumpled. “Look ya See See do not ever ever give anything to mama without my permission, NEVER!”
What I liked here, was the thought, that you are no longer in the power of that monster, dear sister.
Of course you deserve to receive gifts and if anyone are so kind to buy you a present, just say thank you, because they thought about you and appreciate you, like you also deserve to be appreciated.
Much love to you ❤
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Thanks so much dearest sister. Love ya
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❤
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Ugh! Was he raised that way? Did he have siblings that were just as bad or was he just a bad seed?
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Well he speaks a different language so it was hard to tell! That was a huge problem I think!
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Okay, your ex was a super douche. You’re an awesome mom which is why your children are still there and you are grandma to those precious angels.
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Thanks so much dear Tikeetha xo
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Lynn, I am hoping that by writing this out you are purging yourself of the sense of self that seems to be tied to these memories. I cannot decide if he is a completely heartless bastard or psychotic. Either way, you are not the person he decided you had to be, just because of his personality disorder. I don’t know what he was getting out of making you into a non-person but it was a sick thing to do. HE was the problem, not you Lynn!!! (I was thinking more swear words but I decided I should edit more carefully). As my grandfather used to say – “He needed a kick in the arse with a frozen boot!”
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hahaha that is a cool saying Carmen! Thank you so much for your comment! I always look forward to your up front way of saying things and what you have to tell me. I am better now and accepting gifts is pretty hard but I try, I think ok they want to do something nice, this is selfish to not accept! So it gets better, still working at it! xo
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Lynn, you are a survivor!! You are strong and you most certainly are worthy!! By sharing your story you are empowering others in similar situations. ❤ Sending you hugs dear friend.
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Thanks so much Steph! I never understood why I felt this way until I attended group! It then came flooding out! Worthiness
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I’ve struggled with this as well so it’s an all too familiar topic for me.
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xoxoxoxo
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That is out and out emotional abuse. What a controlling psychopath he is and was.
It’s a relief to have you free of this monster.
Leslie
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Thanks Leslie. It is hard to accept things but I try! My kids know and so they insist and try to spoil me. It is a confusing feeling for sure but one that is deeply ingrained. xoxoxo
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Give it time. You’ve been through a lot of abuse, Lynn.
Leslie
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Thank you so much Leslie! You are such a good friend and I know you understand xxx
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You will get through this Lynn. You have a lot of wonderful children plus your parents too, for support.
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Thank you!
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❤
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Everyone deserves gift with no attachment. Gifts are given freely from the heart. This is another example he doesn’t have one.
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Thanks Joseph! A little gift of freedom or grocery money had a huge trade off
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Yes I can only imagine
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To be able to see where the feelings come from is so powerful in moving forward. You deserve all the gifts in the world!
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Thanks so much dear friend xoxo
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I know writing this is a constant reminder of what you went through, but perhaps it’s a way to also explain the whole process of abuse. I do thank you for sharing your painful memories with us. Please don’t ever feel ashamed ❤️
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I have missed you so much! I have been on and off and not really blogging as I used to. I hope you are well.
What you said is the best way to describe it, to explain abuse and the process is hard so all I can do is write. Love you much xoxoxoxo
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Oh, I’ve missed you, too!
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Xxxxxxx
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I find myself speechless when I read about how this monster treated you. I hope your children have many years of showering with gifts & most of all, the freedom to love.
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Thanks so much dear Lynn xoxo
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Lynz,
Just keep moving forward and don’t look back (although easietr said than done as the past memories never fully go away) . You are doing great, you are strong, you are a survivor and you life is much better now and will continue to only get better and better. You’ve been thru so much and you desearve only the very best in life. Luv, Gary
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Thank you so much dear Gary! Terri was a huge supporter for me and the first man I really talked with and interacted with without fear. He was as you are so very special! Miss him much love
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Why did you stay with him so long and didn’t leave right away? I always wanted to ask that.
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I married him secretly after 12 months of knowing him, he then moved away and insisted I change religions, so I did. I was 21 years old. Again it was all a secret! I became more and more isolated. He had been a dream man and then it slowly changed. You dont see it and it is slow, insidious. I didnt fully see it even when he took another wife!! By that time I was afraid, he threatened to take my children. He never let me work so I was dependent. IT is a slow long process. Only now after 35 years do I fully see it and still I feel shame and guilt. The abuse cycle.
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Thank you, I always wondered but didn’t want to ask.
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No problem. IT is something noone can understand unless having dealt with it.You are welcome to ask anything x
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it’s never that simple.
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he sounds like an utter swine. I know how hard it is to leave an abuser when you have children, my Mother suffered for decades. You end up believing it’s your fault because everything is twisted that way to make it so. You end up practically powerless. I was lucky to escape one such person and thankfully never had any children by him. I’m so glad you’re writing about this, it’s vitally important for you to release this negative energy and very important for other women to know they are not alone. It takes an ENORMOUS amount of courage to leave an abuser. Bravo.
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Thank you so very much! Your words are so kind and soothing! Thank you for understanding cx
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I am saddened every time I read about your humiliating events in your life and how controlling (manipulative) he was, Lynn! You were so innocent and loving! You ARE still so loving and giving to your family and by telling your story, painful as it is, you are giving us (and those who suffer in silence) a REAL GIFT! love you! xoxo ❤
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Love you sweet Robin xxx
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My heart still sinks every time I read about this horrific way you were treated. You are worthy. You are lovely. You are good. Please tell yourself that every day. Love you Lynn!
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I will try. Thanks dear friend xo
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A kind heart fulfills the need to give gifts freely, without reason. By accepting the gift, you not only show love…you spread joy beyond measure. Blessings to you, Lyn. 🌟✨💫
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You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone Lynn. You are one of the most worthy ladies around and we love you for it. Hugs to you.
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Awwe Peter thank you! Hugs back
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I understand how the logical part of you steps aside to let that old training take over, Lynn. That grip on you will lessen as you continue to experience and accept all the love around you. Those little children who loved you then and love you now, all your friends and relations who adore you and value you aren’t mistaken. Only one man was mistaken and all the wrongness was his alone. Trust that everyone else is right – you are amazing and worthy of love. ❤ ❤
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Thank you so much! Your words mean allot to me Diana! xoxoxoxo I think you are right and I will try to trust as you said.
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Lynnn, you are a gift to the world! Love is all around you. xoxoxo
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You are so kind KR xoxo
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Hugs. There’s no words I feel like I can say to make you feel better. Try not to dwell on the past but that’s hard. Some say time heals but I feel like it’s more about figuring how to cope in time. You are a strong person – remember that and when things feel tough just know you are stronger now and can survive anything.
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Thanks so much!
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To come between a child and a mother…there really are no words. But your children knew, and know. And now you can all live freely in your love for each other. xoK
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Thank you dear K xx
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Your worthiness is obvious to all who know you and all who read your blog!!!! So struggle no more dear one!!!! 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤ xoxoxoxo
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Thank you sweet Natalie ❤️❤️❤️
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You’re most welcome ❣️😘
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Look at all the people who certainly believe you are worthy of gifts now. I got carpal tunnel trying to scroll down get to the end of your long and supportive comment list. This man must certainly be the unhappiest man on earth to cause you this much grief. After an illness, I am always ecstatic just to feel normal.. I hope this is how you feel.. You’ve earned all your happiness.
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Thank you so much! I am grateful for these amazing friends who have helped me in healing and in processing everything! Two years ago I could not have written any of this down xoxo
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As ever your writing manages to inflame me with anger and chill me to the core. The depths of this person’s emotional depravity knew no limits. The effect on you is deep and lasting, but like a tattoo the colour slowly changes and the outlines fade with time and love. You did survive. And day by day you are a little stronger (some days feeling yourself sliding back, which is only natural) and further from his cold iron grip. I am grateful always to you for sharing these stories so long as they are necessary catharsis. Take good care and go gently my dear friend xxx
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Thank you dear Fiona! Xxx
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A lovely set of photos, Lynn – showing how worthy you are. I read about that day in 2007 with great apprehension for what would surely come. I am pleased that you are, as well as you can be, free of him
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Thank you derrick!
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Some cultures just don’t celebrate birthdays, my Iranian sister-in-law was bemused by the tradition for many years, but his antipathy was founded in far more than mere cultural differences and I am glad you can freely receive and accept gifts of appreciation now. You deserve them. 💜
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Thank you! X
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Sometimes it’s difficult to read your posts. I am sure it takes a lot out of you to write them down, remembering these terrible realities. I am so glad you are in a better place.
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Thank you so much Antonia! These things just come up and then I write about them. I am hoping they can be put aside after writing. Xxxx
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The pictures are precious and the boys are so adorable! I loved seeing the pictures. Your ex husband is a monster and I don’t know how you managed to stay with him as long as you did. xoxoxoxoxo
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Xoxo
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Your life “now” is full of welcomed gifts daily.
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Yes for sure xxx
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Wow! How does he live with himself? Thank goodness you don’t have to live with him anymore.
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He just acted like it was nothing no reaction no feeling bad! Now he has no contact with his younger kids and does not send money to support them. I feel bad for them
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That’s very sad. He is alienating himself from his own family. Except for the lack of support, perhaps they are better off without him.
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Xxx
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Posting the many pictures of your loving family under the title A Gift was an inspired balance to precede the cruel story of his treatment of you when your children gave you a basket of gifts. Listen to their love always. You’ll get there !! ❤
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Thank you Ina xxxxx
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he really was the worst kind of controlling predator, letting you feel the love, and experience it just enough to make sure you remembered what it felt like and then so quickly reminding you and all the children, he was in control….I am sure it was some kind of sick joke in his mind…what a real-a-hole…Lynn, you are so worthy of the love your children shower upon you, then and now, your so worthy of loving back openly, loving your parents and showing how much you care, not only for everyone, but for yourself, you are such a wonderful woman, I only wish we lived close enough so we could run off and do silly things together….you have endured the last of him!!! He is not worthy of breathing the air you breath…..lease never, ever doubt yourself….ever!!!!! lots of hugs……………..xxxxxxyour sister, kat PS love that your getting it all out onto paper and leaving it there….once and for all….
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Thank you sweet sister Kat! I wish we lived near each other too! That would be amazing! I hope I can get the book done and published and move on xxxxxxxxx
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I have great faith in you, it will all happen, ,don’t rush it, let it come out and stay out….xxkat
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That is true xoxo
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It is hard to believe that you managed to survive living with such a monster and that your children loved you despite him. If you had lived somewhere else, it may have been easier to leave him but I know the control extends beyond the location. I am so glad that you are now safe but I also know how hard these memories must be. K x
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Thank you so much Kerry! I am so blessed that my kids love me and care after all they went through and after seeing him hate me so much! Its been rocky at times but we are still together as a unit! They are amazing people. Xoxo
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Children are so resilient. I had a difficult childhood but through it all I still loved my mum.
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I am glad to hear that xoxo God bless you
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❤️
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You.Are.Loved.
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❤️❤️❤️❤️
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The man needs professional help. Recognize and internalize that and then you will know that his opinions are based on his sick mind. Therefore, why hold on to a belief dispensed by a mentally unstable person. That is like holding on to garbage. Let go of the garbage.
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So true and it sounds easy but unfortunately ingrained into your being. But I am better and do accept gifts now. xo
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Please don’t think I think it’s easy. I know it isn’t. I know about deeply held or indoctrinated beliefs. I just wanted to put out there that your self-worth shouldn’t be based on someone else’s opinion, especially if that someone has a skewed world view.
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Oh my…..
You are worthy of a lifetime of loving gifts.
xx
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Thanks dear xo
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So very welcome.
xx
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Hi Lynn! I just came across your blog! Your family, both children and grandchildren, are absolutely beautiful! There is a genuine wholesomeness that emanates from your photos. It’s amazing to read about the childhood they have gone through and then see the joyful, loving smiles on all their faces! I’d say you have done an awesome job as a mom!
Debra
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Thanks so much Debra!
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One word, immediately struck my thoughts without me even thinking….
Every time you write about your life my friend, I celebrate silently and am so thankful you are out of that life. Hugs xxx
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Thanks so much dear lynne xo
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Lyn, I think it takes some of us a long time to realize it’s as joyful to receive a gift well as it is to give one gladly. I love the way your pictures illustrate that joy! And I am so glad you are on the other side of, “Do not ever give anything to mama without my permission!”
I’m sharing your blog with a friend who runs a DV shelter–your story will give hope to a lot of people!
Pam
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Thank you so much Pam! Two years ago I could never imagine actually sharing these stories and not leaving these things out! I was scared to actually tell the whole story as it happened! xo
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I think that’s an amazing success story, Lyn!!!!
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Aaargh! How arrogant and insensitive this person is. I am so glad you have amazing kids. They are the real gifts of your patience.
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Thanks so much!
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Oh, that is so sad and so sick! All he cared about was killing your spirit. Thank heaven he didn’t succeed.
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Thank you Carole xx
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Well written with Cute pictures 🤗
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