2008 Saudi Arabia
A desolate and lonely desert wove its way through tiny towns where necessary stops were made for fuel. Tones of brown and red rolled over dunes that swirled in the mid afternoon heat. Seats were laid down and made into a large bed of blankets, pillows and clothing. Although he made several trips each year the children and I had not been to Damascus for a while and Taita (grandmother) had been asking to see our youngest child, Ibrahim. The used vehicle that had been questionable was now seen as a blessing and nothing more was said.
In the months that lead to this trip our household was eerily wrapped in a temporary calm. Talk of visiting Uncles and cousins gave rise to a cheery and reminiscent atmosphere. He was not allowed to take the company car out of Saudi and so he started looking for a suitable vehicle. When asked about my preferences I had only one request and that was that there would be enough seats to accommodate every person.
With each day his frustration mounted as he viewed numerous vans, cars and SUVs until he found the perfect fit. It was a used passenger van with extra seats and amenities, tinted windows, a television and plush carpeting, but most importantly plenty of seating for our family of nine. He took us to see the van that promised to be the beginning of this last trip to Syria. A guarded excitement found its way into our home as we discussed the comfort and luxury that would ease this long and arduous journey.
The next day his plans changed and he announced that this was a frivolous vehicle that would not be used when we returned. That evening he took us to see the SUV he had chosen and asked for my approval. I pointed to the lack of seating and when confronted, calmly stood my ground. He asked one more time if this would be a good purchase and if I would agree, but the same words emanated from my mouth, no. It was hard for him to contain his temper and although I was scared I felt proud of myself for having my own opinion. His thobe (men’s long white robe) swished past me and he stomped towards the car,entering and starting it while the children piled in. Only little D and I remained standing, waiting to take our seats. I plopped her onto a seat and felt the crunch and grind of a tire roll over my foot. The children let out a gasp and called for baba (father) to STOP; he ignored this and kept driving as I hopped into place.
The car fell silent after doors were shut and a measure of safety was secured. Each child glanced my way and the usual tears welled up but this time they were allowed to drip down my nose and onto ragged lips that had been sealed in desperation. The sting of humiliation was too much and no eye contact was returned, afraid that sobbing would be uncontrollable. My instructions were always clear and meant that the children were to remain calm and never intervene. Physical pain became insignificant and was overshadowed by the feeling that once again I was somehow an accomplice in this vicious cycle that was brought against me.
It seems so very isolated Lynz. It makes me happy to see you with your family gathered around.
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Thank you Holly! As bits and pieces come out it feels scary but better in ways xoxo
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It’s hard to venture into the dark places, but we can come out on the other end to the light! xoox
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yes that is so true xoxo
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❤
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What that man needed was a furious arse-kicking. How it must bother you to relay these words, Lynn. I know many have told you this, but you are a marvel. Sending cyber hugs!
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Thank you so much dear Carmen! I could not write this until now, too much shame and guilt! Thank you for your support! xoxo
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Oh Lynn. I know this is part of your soon to come book. At least I hope it is. You were and are so brave! ❤️
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Thank you Kat. As you know it is a humiliation and not fun to tell, but seems to help in some ways. To say ok it happened, and to hear noone blame me!!xoxo
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Your title complicit seems to say you think of yourself in such a way…but my dear, one cannot be complicit at the heavy hands of an abusive tyrant. ❤️
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Yes you are so right! But it seems a strange thing when you are in it, the abuser pushes you to agree and you feel off kilter and soon feel it is your doing. I have just recently left this feeling and do not feel it was me. xoxoxo
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Oh I do understand what you are saying and there was a time when I too felt as if I actually provoked the abuse I was receiving. It is a vicious cycle that keeps us trapped until we realize nothing we do or don’t do will change the behavior of an abuser. Much love and continued healing to you! ❤️
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yes so very true!!! Thank you dear Kat! You are an amazing friend. xoxo
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‘eerily wrapped in a temporary calm’ had me waiting for the inevitable storm. How you remained trapped in that for so long is terrifying in itself.
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It really is the cycle of calm then the storm. Thanks for always supporting me when I tell these stories that are full of shame and guilt. It really helps derrick xx
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I have known many similarly trapped. Your story is quite exceptional but the confusion, shame, and guilt, are common. That is why someone as eloquent as you will be gratefully heard.
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Thank you so much derrick
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X
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x
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Oh, Lynn – this is just awful. As I am with every story you share, I’m so glad you are now here with us instead of continuing to live the way you once did.
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Thank you Sarah! xxxx
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Look at what you’ve done–survived, thrived, and had the courage to write about it! I celebrate you, Lyn!!!
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Thank you so much Pam, that means so much xoxo.
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Oh my heart bleeds for what you went through ! So very glad that you are out and that you are working through the pain!
No guilt should you feel but I know the victim feels that so often! That’s why the abuser has such control. 😦
Love and hugs! And prayers as you keep healing!
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Thank you so much my joy and rose!!!
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🙂 ❤
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I shake my head to hear about your troubles, Lynn. Again, I am so glad you are out of there.
Leslie
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Thanks so much for always being here and reading Leslie. I know you understand xoxo
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I wonder what ever happened to my friend who married a Saudi. It can’t be good.
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Well funny thing he is Palestinian and has American citizenship!
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I have never understood or trusted Palestinians.
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That’s really confusing.
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Yes
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🙂
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Isolation, geographic and emotional, is like living in the abyss. You are a survivor. 🌟
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Thank you sweet sweet Gail! Your friendship is so wonderful and comforts me xoxo
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The more I read about your monster, the more I hope that karma will hit hard, sister…..
I can imagine that trapping very well, you didn’t have a chance to do anything, no matter what you could mind at, without being stopped in one or another way.
I’m so happy to see, how far you have come after living your nightmare. One good thing, when we get away is, all can only be better from now on. And you don’t even live in same country, which is the best for you and the kids. It should help you to feel more safe now.
Huge hugs for you ❤
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Thanks sweet and dearest sister! You are so very right Irene! Hope you are well xoxoxoxo
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How horrible and horrifying, Lynn. What an awful mean man. In contrast to your gentle loving nature, he’s ever more the tyrant. I saw in your comments that you felt guilt and shame, but never forget that you were valiantly protecting your children, and look at the beautiful people they’ve become – that is 100% your doing. ❤
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Thanks Diana, you are so kind! xoxoxoxoxo
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xoxoxo
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❤️❤️
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Thank you! Love new friends, truly my pleasure🦋👏
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I understand the feeling of complicity Lynn and that is what bullies rely on. All sorts of abuse goes unreported because the abused feels it to be their fault. How strong you were, and are, and how supportive your children were then and have been since. What a wonderful family you now have, and so many of us are thankful for that. Hugs.
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Thank you so much Peter! I always appreciate your insight and your kind comments! Thank you for reading and supporting me xx
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In any other country he would have been arrested for abuse.
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yes I hope!
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The only way to take comfort is to remember you are no longer there. It’s how I read this…constantly reminding myself.
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Thanks so much Colleen! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox I loved your post on shame and leaving it behind!!
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Thank you. We do not need to carry something that was not ours to pick up. You are so strong Lynn.
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This is very true, it spoke to me for sure! Thanks Colleen xoxo I am trying
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You are trying, and succeeding. Look at all of those beautiful successes. 🙂
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Thank you Colleen! I know you understand and I love your inspiration. Thank you for reminding me xxx
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Oh no, the stories you reveal become even more horrible although I already knew you went through hell! Physical pain is terrible but the humiliation that goes along with it multiplies the pain. Huge hugs, dear Lynn 💖
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Thank you Erika! You are such an inspiration and wonderful friend xoxo
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💖 Much, much love to you, Lynn 💖
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Much love back ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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💖💖💖
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He was indeed always a menacing shadow following you and the children around. You are so brave to confront and share these horrors…sending hugs, K.
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Thank you K xxxxx
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OMG, he ran over your foot! Was your foot broken? You are reliving this as you write it; the feeling is with that much clarity. How can you forget these things? You simply cannot.
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Nope just bruised and sore, not sure how
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amazing! someone was looking over you
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yes!
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Thank goodness you escaped. 💝💜
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Thank you xxxxxxxxx
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💜💝
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I am surprised you stayed put for so many years and happy you left.
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Same old thing, isolation, fear and dependency. Thank you
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I have just read your story and could not possibly comprehend what it must have been like for you. It takes great strength to share this terrible experience
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Thank you very much !
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He is and was an utter bastard to you Lyn. Your survival is miraculous. I’m so glad you escaped with your life, not to mention your family. You are a very brave woman.
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Thank you very much! That is so kind
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Sending you healing for all of this that you went through
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Thank you Joseph xxxx
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You’re welcome
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You should have most certainly not have felt humiliated but wronged against what a b******d I certainly hope Karma has or does it’s job. xxx
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Thanks dear Carol xoxoxo
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Love and hugs to you dear Lyn. You are made of steel. You are an amazing mother. I respect how you have instructed the kids to keep calm. Lots of good wishes to you and your family💖
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Thanks so much dear xoxo
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Shame and guilt on your part was and should be non-existent. He’s the one that should be burdened with shame and guilt. Yes, I agree with another’s comment, he needs a good arse-kicking.
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Thanks so much Franci! You are such a good and kind friend xoxo
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He is a mean man! So glad you and your children are away from him! xoxoxo
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Xoxoxoxo thank you dear pj
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I am so relieved you got out away Lynn. Thank goodness you and your children are safe.
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Thank you Brigid❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Lynn, I’m so happy that’s no longer part of your life! Thanks for sharing your story. I hope it helps you get all these difficult feelings out. XOXO
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Thanks xo
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I have no words for this thing that I can’t even call human. And I am deeply proud of your strength to finally break free of this demon. Your book will be a powerful source for others in your situation. XOXOXO!!!
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Thank you KR! Your kindness and support are so important and appreciated xoxo
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Lynn, it breaks my heart that you have endured this other life compared to what you grew up with. And yet – I know the huge blessings that came from it are your amazing children. I am sorry for the pain you have endured and will be constantly praying for your healing. ❤
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Thank you Cathy xoxo love you
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Thank goodness you are where you are now, free surrounded by a strong and loving family. That is all to your credit. The power of bullies is to make the other person feel shame, as if it’s their fault. Absolute horrible and so hard to overcome. It seems you have and for that I am happy. I think you need to write about this for your own sake, to clarify it for yourself. Does it take its toll on you emotionally recalling, retelling it all? Big hugs xxxx
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Thanks so much dear Annika! Well for a long time I could not tell this story and many others. I also cut pictures that I shared so noone would see our bed pads and the way we lived. Piece by piece I feel safe to share here!! My friends here are so kind and do not judge. I assumed everyone would blame me and feel I was a bad person and mother. I think writing might produce anxiety but I am not sure!It’s hard to tell if it is about what I am writing or something else.
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His cruelty is sickening. I’m proud of you for standing your ground. ❤
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Thank you so much xoxoxo
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Hugs sweet friend. xxx
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Such a terrifying existence…
But look how strong you are now, with a fabulous family who look up to you with such love and pride.
x 💖 x
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Thank you ❤️❤️
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So very welcome.
xx
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MY heart aches for you as you relieve these horrific memories….such a buthead he was and still is….your powerful Lynn and have all the self confidence to rule the world….screw him and his nasty attitude….love you sister….xxkat
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Thank you sister! You are so strong and kind! Always cheering me on! Love you xoxoxo
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xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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xoxoxo
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Wtf, he ran over your foot?? Unbelievable.
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Yes, only part of it but yes.
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Wow Lynz. What a heartbreaking story. You endured so much. Keep looking up as your ontinuas to move in the right direction .
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thanks so much
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Wow Lynz. What a heartbreaking story. You endured so much. Contnue to remain strong as you move forward and don’t look back. Gary
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Thank you Gary xx
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What a sadist! You have such a way with words I felt like I was there with you. That man was a master of head games and held you and your children hostage. My heart breaks from knowing you all went through this torture. I was so into the preparations for the trip and was excited at the prospect of the van I didn’t see him running over your foot coming though I could feel his anger. I still cannot comprehend how people can be so hurtful to other people to the point where it’s their norm.
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Wow Lynz. This post was so impactful. So glad you are away ftom there and now have a much better life. Really appreciate you sharing this post with us all. Luv Gary
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Thanks so much Gary! I hope you are doing well xx
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It is hard to believe that is was our life? The trauma is real still but seems like a dream! xoxoxo
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What a nightmare.
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I am so sorry you were made to feel this way, you and your children were and are very brave and I am so glad you can now let it all out and let go of the breath you were holding in all those years.
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Thanks so much! Wow you described it so well and that is what its like! Xx
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Horrible man. Thank heaven your foot is OK. That you had to go through this terrible abuse and the kids had to see it is so awful. You have nothing to be ashamed of! You did everything you could at that time under those circumstances. I imagine you were willing to take the abuse so your children wouldn’t be harmed. You are so, so brave.
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yes that is true! Thank you xoxo
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Just terrible. I’m glad you are back in the states. This was awful for you and your kids to go through. No one should treat anyone that way.
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Thank you!
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Hello
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Your not to blame xx This was a man who had to control you no matter what. I cry silent tears for what you had to endure.
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Thank you for caring
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Hugs
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