No name

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He swerved down the freeway in and out of cars honking and braking in a frenzy, brandishing what had become his new weapon. Rage and anger had never spilled over to driving but this would be the start of a new and dangerous game. The children let out gasps as he narrowly missed vehicles, passing anyone who impeded our path to the compound. A container of take away fish jiggled in plastic sacks threatening to fall from the seat just behind me. The meal was purchased after leaving the hospital and felt like a message that was meant to cement his frustration. Even the youngest of our family knew that I did not care for fish and when we arrived home I sat on the red and gold striped sofa, forcing a gentle smile, hoping to avoid what would be an inevitable outburst.

The food had not been covered properly, left on the refrigerator shelf in a takeout container to rot and eventually be thrown away. The careless and haphazard manner in which these tasks were carried out had not changed and it seemed nothing could be done about it.  He repeated these ideas three times, each time the volume increased as did the weight of the message. I stared blankly, confusion jumbled my mind and there was no response that seemed worthy. Anger mounted and he finally stated what he had been thinking for days, “I told you not to tell anyone, this is your fault! “The door slammed and he walked away leaving behind an emotional numbness that had not been experienced before.

I stood motionless behind the green pleated curtains, watching him back up and drive away. It was a relief and a burden to finally be alone with my thoughts, now able to place them all in order. On Monday I had been four months pregnant and by late that afternoon I was told the pregnancy had not progressed and in fact had most likely ended weeks before. The Doctor listened for a heartbeat and then requested an ultrasound. She confirmed that this was no longer a viable pregnancy and nothing much remained. The British midwife who had delivered my last baby concurred, urging me to return the next day for treatment so that infection and hemorrhage did not occur.  Bleeding had already started and served as a reminder that medical attention was needed.

I grappled with this reality but felt hopeful that his reassurance and support would ease my worries. When faced with this information and a request that he take me to the hospital he reminded me that it was a grave sin to terminate a pregnancy and that it was up to the Lord almighty. The conversation ended with him stating that he wanted nothing to do with it and obviously I had free will to do as I chose. The next morning at 5 a.m. a compound driver picked me up and dropped me off at the local hospital.

109 thoughts on “No name

  1. OH how horrible you must have felt. You were grieving the loss of a child that was not your fault in any way, and you needed lots of TLC, but sadly you instead got treated so awful.
    I am very glad you were able to go to the hospital and that you were brave enough to go. (((HUGS))) to you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lynn, I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s hard enough to lose a child but to be alone in the process!! This piece must have been hard to write and I hope you have healing from it. You are such an amazing woman. God has blessed you with strength and patience. And, I am blessed to know you. Love you!!! 💐

    Liked by 1 person

    • Alice you are a strong and wonderful woman! I have thought about this for several months and today just wrote what I had to and it felt weird! Thanks so much for your love and support! I see that your granddaughter has your name as her middle name! That is awesome!

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  3. I hope sharing your turbulent history here helps to lift the burden of having to live through it for so long. So much of his behaviour is unimaginable for most of us, yet you had to endure it in every aspect of your life. We’re all here cheering you on from the sidelines, and relieved that you are able to tell your story far away from him.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh the rage…..you almost feel sad for those that carry such unnecessary emotion…so hard to live with, however, that being said, the people at the end of that rage is another story, nothing you did caused it to happen, you couldn’t of done anything different to change this situation, I know first hand, I am so sorry that you and the kids were at his beck and call to his rage stunts….he knew he was being an ass….I believe they thrive on it..mine did, he felt so powerful after the outrage…I feel for you sister,, but you must remember you never, never, never !! have to be put through that again…you never have to listen to him again!!! your a free woman, living in a free country with all your wonderful children and grandchildren….he has no power over you anymore!!! I remember one bad time my little girl, not his daughter, she was in 5th grade and did not put the lid on the toothpaste properly, he frigin had a fit, I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel screaming and posturing a 5th grader….my word…he put my daughter off of men for a long time…I have to say it made her stronger, she would not take any BS off a man….mine was really an asshole too!!!

    My sweet sister….I love that you are writing it down and leaving it in ink….you no longer have to carry these memories…I am hoping that it is helping you…..sending you lots of hugs !! your sister

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much sweet Kat! You are so wonderful and thank you for telling me more of your story! Sometimes I get locked into those words and start being hard on myself for little things.
      Being so mean and taking your rage out on a child is crazy! Yes my daughters have had a hard time trusting !! I hope your daughter is happy now and that you are too! Love you dear sis! Hugs hugs hugs

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      • My daughter is married to a wonderful man, however that said, she is in complete control of her happiness, she learned from the asshole I was married to never give complete control over to anyone especially a man…so I am thinking that it was a good lesson, learnt the hard way!!! She has since forgive me for putting her in that situation, understands I was doing the best I could with what I had. she is a strong, intelligent woman and I couldn’t be happier to be her mom….I believe your crew is also all very intelligent and respect and love you with all they are!!!

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  5. Sickening and callous, this creature is unspeakable. I echo the sentiments of others, so long as you are being healed by writing this, then I am happy to read it. Just take it one little step at a time because pain like this needs to be mended at it’s own pace. Go softly, dear friend xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry you lost one of your precious children…and under utterly horrific conditions. Sending lots of love and hugs across the miles. I do hope getting writing this out will help dispel more fear and bad memories. xoxoxo

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  7. How lonely you must have felt Lynn. Losing a child is difficult in and of itself let alone having to endure the rage of a lunatic. My hope for you is the further away the years take you from this awful situation the more your scars can heal. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Having lived in an Arabic country with a husband who cared and loved for me, I really can’t imagine how lonely and afraid you must have been. I had many friends in Cairo who were married to reasonable men but the culture was just too machismo and strange to cope. I am full of admiration for you, being able to restart your life after such treatment and even have a Christmas tree. K x

    Liked by 1 person

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