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He swerved down the freeway in and out of cars honking and braking in a frenzy, brandishing what had become his new weapon. Rage and anger had never spilled over to driving but this would be the start of a new and dangerous game. The children let out gasps as he narrowly missed vehicles, passing anyone who impeded our path to the compound. A container of take away fish jiggled in plastic sacks threatening to fall from the seat just behind me. The meal was purchased after leaving the hospital and felt like a message that was meant to cement his frustration. Even the youngest of our family knew that I did not care for fish and when we arrived home I sat on the red and gold striped sofa, forcing a gentle smile, hoping to avoid what would be an inevitable outburst.

The food had not been covered properly, left on the refrigerator shelf in a takeout container to rot and eventually be thrown away. The careless and haphazard manner in which these tasks were carried out had not changed and it seemed nothing could be done about it.  He repeated these ideas three times, each time the volume increased as did the weight of the message. I stared blankly, confusion jumbled my mind and there was no response that seemed worthy. Anger mounted and he finally stated what he had been thinking for days, “I told you not to tell anyone, this is your fault! “The door slammed and he walked away leaving behind an emotional numbness that had not been experienced before.

I stood motionless behind the green pleated curtains, watching him back up and drive away. It was a relief and a burden to finally be alone with my thoughts, now able to place them all in order. On Monday I had been four months pregnant and by late that afternoon I was told the pregnancy had not progressed and in fact had most likely ended weeks before. The Doctor listened for a heartbeat and then requested an ultrasound. She confirmed that this was no longer a viable pregnancy and nothing much remained. The British midwife who had delivered my last baby concurred, urging me to return the next day for treatment so that infection and hemorrhage did not occur.  Bleeding had already started and served as a reminder that medical attention was needed.

I grappled with this reality but felt hopeful that his reassurance and support would ease my worries. When faced with this information and a request that he take me to the hospital he reminded me that it was a grave sin to terminate a pregnancy and that it was up to the Lord almighty. The conversation ended with him stating that he wanted nothing to do with it and obviously I had free will to do as I chose. The next morning at 5 a.m. a compound driver picked me up and dropped me off at the local hospital.

109 Comments Post a comment
  1. He just gets more and more of a tyrant.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  2. Lynn, you express the scene so well. The numbness and despair come through. Hugs!!

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  3. Thank goodness you eventually escaped this monster Lynn.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  4. Evil f*cker. Sorry, no other name for him.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  5. Carmen #

    Lynn,
    It must be so exhilarating to be away from his mind control. Good on you! 🙂
    xx

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
    • Thank you. I am experiencing the residual affects of his control but am trying to feel free and be free. Good to see you Carmen!

      Like

      January 12, 2018
      • Carmen #

        I happen to think you are doing fabulous! Your tremendous personality shines through and the more you accomplish, the less his influence matters. You have succeeded, Lynn!

        Liked by 1 person

        January 12, 2018
  6. I am so glad you are no longer trapped by this monster.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  7. My heart breaks for you Lynn. To lose a baby is devastating, let alone having to deal with such a monster. Again, I am in awe of your strength.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  8. What a nasty, despicable, disgusting, uncaring man. Sorry my friend, I just get angry! Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  9. I am so glad you went to the hospital and were cared for.
    I am also happy you have escaped his cruelty and evil treatment of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
    • Thank you Deborah! It was scary and I felt like I was doing something wrong but thank God for the midwife she convinced me had to be done xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      January 12, 2018
  10. You must have felt so all alone, Lynn. You weren’t ending a pregnancy and it wasn’t your fault.
    Leslie

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  11. What kind of a monster was he? Glad you got rid of him!

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  12. I wish no one had to endure this kind of treatment and it is so sad. You were young when you met him, who would have dreamed he would have changed so drastically??! hugs, Robin xo xo

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  13. I’m sorry for that loss Lynn. I am heartsick over what you went through. I am heartwarmed by where you have taken yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  14. OH how horrible you must have felt. You were grieving the loss of a child that was not your fault in any way, and you needed lots of TLC, but sadly you instead got treated so awful.
    I am very glad you were able to go to the hospital and that you were brave enough to go. (((HUGS))) to you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  15. Alice #

    Lynn, I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s hard enough to lose a child but to be alone in the process!! This piece must have been hard to write and I hope you have healing from it. You are such an amazing woman. God has blessed you with strength and patience. And, I am blessed to know you. Love you!!! 💐

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
    • Alice you are a strong and wonderful woman! I have thought about this for several months and today just wrote what I had to and it felt weird! Thanks so much for your love and support! I see that your granddaughter has your name as her middle name! That is awesome!

      Like

      January 12, 2018
  16. How awful for you, Lynn. What a cold and heartless man. My heart goes out to you as well as absolute gratefulness that this is no longer your life. Hugs. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  17. He is a monster, very sorry for your loss but happy to see that you got the medical care you needed.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  18. My God, such a horrible situation for a mother and no support but only more pressure and threads. As it was said, I am glad too that he is not a part of your present life anymore!

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  19. Oh! Lynz this man is nothing but evil,!

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  20. I hope sharing your turbulent history here helps to lift the burden of having to live through it for so long. So much of his behaviour is unimaginable for most of us, yet you had to endure it in every aspect of your life. We’re all here cheering you on from the sidelines, and relieved that you are able to tell your story far away from him.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
    • Thank you so much peggy! I am starting to feel less anxiety lately and it is great! Thank you for cheering me on!

      Liked by 1 person

      January 12, 2018
  21. Oh sweet Lynn! Another awful situation you had to endure…… breaks my heart… May time ease these awful memories. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  22. Oh the rage…..you almost feel sad for those that carry such unnecessary emotion…so hard to live with, however, that being said, the people at the end of that rage is another story, nothing you did caused it to happen, you couldn’t of done anything different to change this situation, I know first hand, I am so sorry that you and the kids were at his beck and call to his rage stunts….he knew he was being an ass….I believe they thrive on it..mine did, he felt so powerful after the outrage…I feel for you sister,, but you must remember you never, never, never !! have to be put through that again…you never have to listen to him again!!! your a free woman, living in a free country with all your wonderful children and grandchildren….he has no power over you anymore!!! I remember one bad time my little girl, not his daughter, she was in 5th grade and did not put the lid on the toothpaste properly, he frigin had a fit, I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel screaming and posturing a 5th grader….my word…he put my daughter off of men for a long time…I have to say it made her stronger, she would not take any BS off a man….mine was really an asshole too!!!

    My sweet sister….I love that you are writing it down and leaving it in ink….you no longer have to carry these memories…I am hoping that it is helping you…..sending you lots of hugs !! your sister

    Liked by 2 people

    January 12, 2018
    • Thank you so much sweet Kat! You are so wonderful and thank you for telling me more of your story! Sometimes I get locked into those words and start being hard on myself for little things.
      Being so mean and taking your rage out on a child is crazy! Yes my daughters have had a hard time trusting !! I hope your daughter is happy now and that you are too! Love you dear sis! Hugs hugs hugs

      Like

      January 13, 2018
      • My daughter is married to a wonderful man, however that said, she is in complete control of her happiness, she learned from the asshole I was married to never give complete control over to anyone especially a man…so I am thinking that it was a good lesson, learnt the hard way!!! She has since forgive me for putting her in that situation, understands I was doing the best I could with what I had. she is a strong, intelligent woman and I couldn’t be happier to be her mom….I believe your crew is also all very intelligent and respect and love you with all they are!!!

        Liked by 1 person

        January 13, 2018
        • My daughters are very guarded and two of them are now in relationships and I am hoping it all works out! Yes giving complete control to anyone is not wise. Thanks sis! So happy she is settled and happy!

          Liked by 1 person

          January 13, 2018
  23. Dearest Lynn. I thank you for your writing, and my hope is that with every single character you type, it brings you back to wholeness. Much love to you! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  24. All I like about this is that you could write it

    Liked by 1 person

    January 12, 2018
  25. I am glad you are free from all this now. It is awful. Onward ho to a better life now🤗🤗💕🐾🐾🐺

    Liked by 1 person

    January 13, 2018
  26. Oh my. Such a horrendous time for you.
    So pleased your life is very different now.
    xx💖xx

    Liked by 1 person

    January 13, 2018
  27. Sickening and callous, this creature is unspeakable. I echo the sentiments of others, so long as you are being healed by writing this, then I am happy to read it. Just take it one little step at a time because pain like this needs to be mended at it’s own pace. Go softly, dear friend xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    January 13, 2018
  28. Oh Lynn…so much to cleanse from your past. By writing about it, you can let it go. (K)

    Liked by 1 person

    January 13, 2018
  29. This saddens me, Lynn. I don’t know how you got through this. I am so glad you managed to get away from him and now you are with your beautiful family. Sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 13, 2018
  30. So very sad! I am so glad you are away from that monster! xoxoxox

    Liked by 1 person

    January 13, 2018
  31. I’m so sorry you lost one of your precious children…and under utterly horrific conditions. Sending lots of love and hugs across the miles. I do hope getting writing this out will help dispel more fear and bad memories. xoxoxo

    Like

    January 13, 2018
  32. What an awful memory has been festering inside you. Now it’s like you vomited it out. Good riddance. Your courage continues to lead you further on your journey of healing. Blessings to you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    January 13, 2018
  33. How lonely you must have felt Lynn. Losing a child is difficult in and of itself let alone having to endure the rage of a lunatic. My hope for you is the further away the years take you from this awful situation the more your scars can heal. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    January 13, 2018
  34. How very very sad.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 13, 2018
  35. It must be difficult to re live all this – but, hopefully, also liberating to write about it. Carry on, you’re doing well. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 14, 2018
  36. Lynn, this is just heartbreaking. To lose a baby and then have to deal with him…just awful.

    I’m so glad we have you here with us now and you are free from him.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 14, 2018
  37. I am so sorry for your loss and the way you were treated during this time. Hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 15, 2018
  38. What a frightening medical experience. Just sad.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 15, 2018
  39. ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

    January 15, 2018
  40. Having lived in an Arabic country with a husband who cared and loved for me, I really can’t imagine how lonely and afraid you must have been. I had many friends in Cairo who were married to reasonable men but the culture was just too machismo and strange to cope. I am full of admiration for you, being able to restart your life after such treatment and even have a Christmas tree. K x

    Liked by 1 person

    January 16, 2018
    • Thanks so very much K! It is hard to move forward but I am trying. Yes there are many good men out there you are right! Abuse is abuse no matter where you go. Thanks so much dear K! xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      January 16, 2018
      • Dear Lynz, you have already moved literal and figurative miles from your abuser. Bravo!

        Like

        January 16, 2018
  41. How terrible! You must have been so sad and scared. What you lived through….

    Liked by 1 person

    January 16, 2018
  42. Well told, Lynn. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    January 18, 2018
  43. Damn. He was horrific. I’m so happy you survived.

    Liked by 1 person

    January 23, 2018
  44. Wow. This is powerful.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 2, 2018
  45. Scary!!

    Liked by 1 person

    April 24, 2018

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