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Upended

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A perpetual wave of anxiety washed over my entire body and although my arms and legs remained stationary it seemed as if I was no longer standing. Uncontrollable sobbing and gasps for air eked their way out as I struggled to remain upright. This was the moment I had been dreading and now my fears had been realized. Hurried footsteps plodded down the stairs and a small thin figure appeared before me. Foof was now a woman, no longer the feisty little girl who ran the length of the compound scraping knees, refusing to brush her hair or wear socks. The phone was taken forcefully from my hands, the call was ended and the device tossed to the couch.  An imposing and formidable entity towered over me, holding my hands, pulling me forward.  In a determined tone I was reminded that years of abuse were not love and that we were now safe and free. I struggled to stay standing in a rumpled heap of confusion and sick silence. I had assumed this day would come and yet it felt like another unimaginable blow to my very core. I mouthed the words to her finding no way to actually state the obvious. She shook her head and told me it was better this way, his marriage was now real and we could quit worrying.

The news of his second wife had thrown me off, bringing new symptoms of anxiety and panic.  After years of dutiful service it had come to this, a woman and possibly a family. I did my best to move forward and told myself that I was no longer married, a piece of paper meant nothing and I was not part of this insanity. I wavered between two directions making an effort to accept what I could not change and was unable to legally extricate myself from and the unstoppable fury that took hold when I realized I had been thrust into a life of polygamy.

On good days a new kind of happiness and freedom brought a measure of relief. A cessation of phone calls, emails and stalking made room for other emotions that had been stifled by fear and tyranny.  Preoccupied with his bride, a well-educated divorcee 18 years his junior, he no longer had time or energy to deal with our family.  He offered to buy a home and resume financial support and I reluctantly agreed.

I knew the incessant nature of this lifestyle and had watched numerous friends in Saudi as they accepted a string of wives and children. Each time they grew more distant until they eventually withered away and became a shell of duty, a facade of piety. The journey seemed never ending, filled with degradation and shame.

No amount of scrubbing, cooking, shopping or laughing would remove the stain of humiliation that now tarnished my daily life. I found myself in a state of constant upheaval that would not abate. I had come this far and now once again it seemed I had no control over my own life. I went to bed at night thinking about him and his wife, about their future and a possible family that might be formed. The rage and disbelief that lay concealed amongst anguish and sorrow continued to plague me until it finally spilled over into nightly dreams.

A golden light enclosed the scene and a foreshadowing of what was to come. She was soft and gentle, everything I felt I was not. She sat silently, her dark hair flowing gracefully over back and shoulders. A self-assured expression traced with purity and light, a welcoming smile crossed her face as she played cards with my children. Her Maroon sweater fit snugly around her belly exposing what had been hidden for four months. The idea of a new baby had been nagging at my brain since I was made aware of his marriage and was the hardest part of this new situation. I could not imagine my husband of 30 years marrying someone other than me or having a baby with another woman.

I woke from this foreboding dream with renewed strength and determination, knowing that it was time to have an answer.

60 Comments Post a comment
  1. You have lived such a terrible life with him.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 10, 2017
  2. He tried to make you buy his warped reality. So much better to be back in the USA and safe away from him. He does not play by the rules and is a user and a abuser. Much better without him even through life may be a challenge. It is a better challenge! You are a brave woman, Lynn!

    Liked by 1 person

    November 10, 2017
  3. It didn’t seem like it then, but his behaviour was helping you to let go, to grasp a new life. I’m so relieved you have that new life now, surrounded by your children.

    Liked by 2 people

    November 10, 2017
  4. I am so relieved to that you finally have freedom, I myself have gone through a similar situation with my ex. I am free now and found the true love and his family, they treat my daughter and I as if we have always belonged in this family. I think a new blog in the works.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 10, 2017
  5. You have come such a long way Lynn, and have the most beautiful loving family with you in the states. “That evil thing” is not part of your family. God Bless You Lynn! xoxoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    November 10, 2017
  6. No matter how relieved you must have been on one hand that now his focus is finally taken from you it must have felt like a punch in the stomach when all of your guessings were true.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 10, 2017
  7. I know I’ve said this before, but he has no idea what he has lost in life because of his behaviors. It’s better that you are finally free to find the beauty, and live the beauty, that is your life with your children (and grands!!!!!)

    Liked by 1 person

    November 10, 2017
  8. It must be very difficult to recount this horrible episode of your life Lynn. We are all so glad that you came through it with such a wonderful supportive, and loving family. The love and joy in the family photos is so uplifting. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 10, 2017
  9. ANM7 #

    I’m assuming that this is not a work of fiction (stupid me). The writing is superb. I love the allegiance of this person who took the phone from you. Listen, I had been in a comparable situation though not exact of course. And I tried to corral it, make sense of it but it won’t fit into a box. And even so, it would be no consolation. Mind you, a situation like this will invoke the Innate Void from any human being. Were it not for the presence of the
    Void none of these human drama exchanges would carry weight. What you went through is all designed to show all of our preoccupations to be a fraud. This is our great fear to come face to face with our Voidedness. It all boils down to whether we fill the Void with the Real or the fiction, that is the “Unreality” we put stock in. Remember the Void is always held in reserve to awaken us. So it will always be “That which we fear addressing”. The average person will not understand any of this because of conditioning, indoctrination. Bottom line is that this life is a fabrication, a lie. And that is what frees guys like this to change the program and deal according to one’s ethics. So long for now. I wish I could help.

    Like

    November 10, 2017
  10. Your daughter has the right idea. Cut him off and throw down the phone. He doesn’t deserve another second of your time.

    Liked by 2 people

    November 10, 2017
  11. Oh sweet Lynn! My heart aches for you, and it also rejoices for your joy now. I am sure it is so difficult for you. In your head, you know one thing. In your heart, you feel another. You did the right thing. You ARE an amazing woman, mom, friend, human being! Don’t let HIM define you, defeat you, or deflate you. You are my HERO! xoxox ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    November 10, 2017
  12. So hard, Lynn, to have betrayal heaped on top of abuse. I’m so glad that you are out of the crazy-making relationship and finding joy in your family. Your journey to independence and a life filled with love is an inspiration. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    November 10, 2017
  13. You have lived through some horrors that we can only imagine, including a dream that gave you reason to challenge him, and discover the truth. But I have to say, you write about it all so eloquently. You take us there. And I’m sorry that you ever had to, Lynn.

    Liked by 2 people

    November 10, 2017
  14. Wow. Lynn, this is so powerful. I can’t even imagine the emotions that went through you. I’m so glad you now have so much joy with your children and grandchildren. Take care! xx

    Like

    November 10, 2017
  15. Oh Lyn!!!! No wonder you still have struggled so much! I know this may be hard for many to understand, that while you are away from him, it doesn’t erase the confusing emotions you still are left to deal with. Getting away is not the end of the pain and heartache and confusion… it is just the beginning. There is a deep grieving for the life you thought you had, the future you thought you would have, and all the honesty and authentic parts of yourself you committed to building this life… the devotion, the nurture, the hard work. Nothing prepares us to face the life we are left with, no matter how good it is on the outside. You have so much to grieve. How humiliating to be left in such a situation! This is just heartbreaking!!! My heart goes out to you! xoxo 💙

    Liked by 1 person

    November 10, 2017
  16. I continue to thank you for your bravery and amazing spirit. What you’ve been through breaks my heart, dearest Lynn.

    Like

    November 10, 2017
  17. What ordeal you went through and yet you came through and manage still to have retained light and grace in your spirit! You are one brave survivor my friend. 🙂 <3xoxoxoxoxo

    Like

    November 10, 2017
  18. You portray the paralysing emotional trap you were in for so many years; your courage is all the greater for this.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 11, 2017
  19. You and your family are in a good place now Lynn. He is the one who is lost. (K)

    Liked by 1 person

    November 11, 2017
  20. And yet, with all you have gone through, you have moved on to a better life. He didn’t deserve you then and he doesn’t deserve you now. Let the nightmare end!

    Like

    November 11, 2017
  21. Excellent writing Lynn! Thank goodness you are out of the situation! I can’t even imagine how awful it would be to have your husband marry a second wife! Great big hugs!! xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    November 11, 2017
  22. Goodness you have lived through so much. You are an inspiration to others who feel helpless and beaten down by abuse.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 11, 2017
  23. Foof is a wonderful part of who you are, Lynn. She reflects your strength and innate common sense and the love that you passed on to her,

    Liked by 1 person

    November 11, 2017
  24. Great writing my friend…..good riddens to him!! XX

    Liked by 1 person

    November 12, 2017
  25. Your well filled with hope is boundless. After all this abuse and betrayal you still seem to have an endless ability to go to the well,, drink a cupful and look to the future with hope. Have a joy filled Thanksgiving Lyn, you and your family deserve nothing but happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 21, 2017
    • You are such an inspiring person Bernadette! You let us into your world and lessons are taken away from your writing! I love your blog and you as a person. Thank you so much for your kind wishes! Happy Thanksgiving to you as well.

      Like

      November 21, 2017
  26. Wow, what a burden that must have been for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    November 28, 2017
  27. Wow! I was thinking this was a piece of well crafted fiction. I been enjoying browsing through your blog and just came across this piece.
    My heart goes out to you!! I am so glad that you are free now and safe in the USA, but that doesn’t change the fact that your heart has been battered and torn.
    Prayers and thoughts as you continue bravely on making a new life for yourself and your children. My hat goes off to you at your strength and bravery as you cut ties and start a new life!

    Liked by 1 person

    November 30, 2017

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