How this blog saved my life

The last communication I had with him was a week or so after he left and returned to Saudi. Since that conversation there have been no emails, texts or phone calls. This lack of communication has helped me slowly look at what happened and to start  piecing things together but has also meant no financial support. I want to thank each and every one of you who have emailed, called and commented on my blog. You have made a huge difference and your love and encouragement have changed my life.

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June 2015

Days had passed since his departure from our home and an eerie calm pervaded. No one spoke of the previous three weeks but the tension that had permeated every part of our life fell away leaving the usual fear and anxiety.  I spoke when inquiries were made about food and transportation but sat silently most days, a confused and lethargic form. It seemed as if I had come so far, walked the road of desperation and betrayal and yet a part of me was still intact until this last event. A new feeling of numb and vacant went unnoticed until it could no longer be denied and I was unable to put thoughts into words and actions.

The last communication had been brief but the usual words were spoken and I played the customary roll reminiscent of years in Saudi, agreeing to any conditions that he listed. He would not allow my parents entrance into his home, nor would my sister and her husband be authorized to enter the premises. He did not want those that were against him eating food that he provided, nor did he agree with anyone spending time with his children. These outside influences were not acceptable and if I agreed to his terms he would consider resuming financial support. I stood in the laundry room, door shut, muffling cries that were undoubtedly still audible. A new hysteria took hold and even with the undeniable reality that he had in fact attacked me, I once again complied. “Yes whatever you want, you are in charge, please send money for the kids” shame and humiliation flooded my system and the cycle had been restored.

A sick feeling overtook me as I grappled with the idea that my refusals and standing tall had brought us to this point. It was the thing I had feared most, a lack of financial support and the idea that I had brought it on in one swift moment of stubborn indignation. I had never been allowed to work and in recent years when I showed interest the innuendo of cutting support always worked its way into our conversations. He reminded me of my honorable place as wife and mother and that scurrying around, acting as a maid was not becoming to my position in this life.

I frantically checked our joint account several times a day looking for that transfer of funds that were to provide food, clothing and medical care for the children. I soothed my injured brain and soul with the words he repeated when monthly money came late. “I will always provide for you no matter what” and so I sat waiting, on high alert, praying that he would make good on his word but acknowledging that the time had come for resumes and applications.

Each day crept past as I vacillated from fear and anxiety to stillness and inactivity. One month after he returned to Al-Khobar, an idea that had been tossed around for years was now put into motion. Saleeha set up a blog, insisting I pick a title. I reluctantly issued the letters that formed a name and remained unmoved by her excitement at the endless possibilities she saw in the future.

A vibrant yellow curry simmered on the stove, potatoes and chicken gently bubbled. A splash of color was needed for the square plate; a thin gold rim etched its way around the dish, adding flare to meringue shells. The sous chefs were summoned to roll pie crust, sauté onions and mix the filling for a broccoli carrot quiche. I fussed over the toppings for peanut butter pie as a decadent chocolate glace was poured over, cascading down the sides and into a glossy pool.  Ideas were tossed around regarding the finishing touches, peanut butter cups or tiny bits of cookies and finally whipped cream was piped along the sides. The kitchen clanked and buzzed and had come alive once again with the sounds of family cooking. Preparations for a blog post were underway and this meant that everyone would help, from the youngest to the oldest. Suggestions from the kids who no longer lived at home were received and discussed until a conclusion was made and the final product was presented. A non-stop wave had taken me from my bewildered and dormant position on the recliner to a whirl wind case of cooking and writing.  Little thought was given to the events that led up to this point and anything that remained was drowned out by the clinking of pans and the sweet smell of family cooking.

 

119 thoughts on “How this blog saved my life

  1. Yep. Gail said it. Your strength through so much adversity…it’s what we admire about you, and the warmth and openness that is reflected in your words…is what keeps us coming back here, Lynn. Some of the very best reasons to blog !

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  2. You have gone through so much for so many years, sister. It is perfect, that you have peace from the monster now, I hope, that you have found a way to support yourself and your kids. When the economy are down, it can be difficult to focus at much else, I know.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. We have a saying here. Translated it means: If you think you cannot go on anymore, from somewhere a little light starts to shine. This is what this blog was for you. And you moved towards the light which illuminated your inside and life came back! Big hugs, Lynn 💖

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  4. Lyn, a moving account about the creation of your blog under such dire and frightful conditions…what a wonderful idea to share recipe ideas with others,finding an outlet for your creative self…you are an inspiration to so many of us. Your close family are a tribute to you. Hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lynn, you show that when things are extremely difficult, strength rises from within. You have an amazing story and have a wonderful family to surround you. Your blog is an inspiration. I know that you will be able, when the time comes, to find meaningful employment. You are resilent and amazing! xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You have certainly risen from the depths of depression into a joyful life – thanks to a supportive family who knew how to find seemingly small encouragements (like your blog) and to your enormous personal strength. Your blog provides help and inspiration to more readers than you know.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. so wonderful to see all the love you are receiving here. you are such a beautiful human being, Lynn. someone I have come to truly truly care about. you are a hero to many of us – living proof of the power of love and healing. I’m so glad to know you and call you a friend. Keep up the great work healing yourself, loving yourself, growing into the you that you are meant to be, loving and being loved by your beautiful family, and being an inspiration to all of us here! Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I had no idea that so much of this was overlapping with the start of your blog, Lynn. I love the resurgence of joy at the end of this post. Cooking with family is indeed a healing experience. And WordPress, for all its annoying faults, collects some wonderful souls, you included. ❤

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  9. This blogging world offers so much more than most people realize. It is a wealth of information, support, constructive dialogue (supporting and opposing many different views) and a place people poor a tremendous amount of energy into caring about others. So glad to have found you and been a part of this wonderful journey.

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  10. I am relatively new to your blog, but by reading the comments of long time followers, it sounds like you are discovering just how strong you really are. Writing is my therapy. As I write about a personal situation, I am better able to find the words that often escape me if I speak aloud. My prayers for your continued healing. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Thank you for sharing how the blog got started – I have always been curious!

    And I am sure I’m not alone in saying I’m so glad you started the blog. Even though it is sometimes difficult to read what you write here, you’ve been wonderful to get to know, and my life is better for having you in it!

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  12. Lynn, you are overflowing with your cooking and writing talents. But they are nothing compared to your love for your family and your courage to redefine your own life. I’m sending many blessings and hugs your way. ❤

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  13. Aren’t our kids wonderful…my daughter set me up on here and after a month showed me people were actually writing to me…I had no idea……Give your beautiful daughter a big hug from me…..my life has been made so much better just for meeting you and sharing our lives….you are a wonderful woman, and I understand the reasons we do the things we so and say for our children…..makes us good mothers…I am so sorry for what he has put you through, he needs more than a good ass kicking for sure…..glad your doing so well and back on here letting everyone share the love with you…..keep warm, winter is coming…and please kiss that little one for me……XXXkat

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Thankfully, there are always silver linings, if one only knows to look for them. Yours are your children, proving you must have been doing something right all these years, despite the doubt and insecurity. And now grandchildren, a blessing and pure joy. And, of course, your writing talent. I’m glad us bloggy friends have helped a little in all this💕😘

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  15. A blog as an instrument of healing. Well of course. I’ve heard of that happening. But never in quite the same way as Lynz Real Cooking, nor in carrying the author so far from the depths from which she had to escape.

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  16. Pingback: Weekly review | lynz real cooking

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