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How this blog saved my life

The last communication I had with him was a week or so after he left and returned to Saudi. Since that conversation there have been no emails, texts or phone calls. This lack of communication has helped me slowly look at what happened and to start  piecing things together but has also meant no financial support. I want to thank each and every one of you who have emailed, called and commented on my blog. You have made a huge difference and your love and encouragement have changed my life.

0725151215

June 2015

Days had passed since his departure from our home and an eerie calm pervaded. No one spoke of the previous three weeks but the tension that had permeated every part of our life fell away leaving the usual fear and anxiety.  I spoke when inquiries were made about food and transportation but sat silently most days, a confused and lethargic form. It seemed as if I had come so far, walked the road of desperation and betrayal and yet a part of me was still intact until this last event. A new feeling of numb and vacant went unnoticed until it could no longer be denied and I was unable to put thoughts into words and actions.

The last communication had been brief but the usual words were spoken and I played the customary roll reminiscent of years in Saudi, agreeing to any conditions that he listed. He would not allow my parents entrance into his home, nor would my sister and her husband be authorized to enter the premises. He did not want those that were against him eating food that he provided, nor did he agree with anyone spending time with his children. These outside influences were not acceptable and if I agreed to his terms he would consider resuming financial support. I stood in the laundry room, door shut, muffling cries that were undoubtedly still audible. A new hysteria took hold and even with the undeniable reality that he had in fact attacked me, I once again complied. “Yes whatever you want, you are in charge, please send money for the kids” shame and humiliation flooded my system and the cycle had been restored.

A sick feeling overtook me as I grappled with the idea that my refusals and standing tall had brought us to this point. It was the thing I had feared most, a lack of financial support and the idea that I had brought it on in one swift moment of stubborn indignation. I had never been allowed to work and in recent years when I showed interest the innuendo of cutting support always worked its way into our conversations. He reminded me of my honorable place as wife and mother and that scurrying around, acting as a maid was not becoming to my position in this life.

I frantically checked our joint account several times a day looking for that transfer of funds that were to provide food, clothing and medical care for the children. I soothed my injured brain and soul with the words he repeated when monthly money came late. “I will always provide for you no matter what” and so I sat waiting, on high alert, praying that he would make good on his word but acknowledging that the time had come for resumes and applications.

Each day crept past as I vacillated from fear and anxiety to stillness and inactivity. One month after he returned to Al-Khobar, an idea that had been tossed around for years was now put into motion. Saleeha set up a blog, insisting I pick a title. I reluctantly issued the letters that formed a name and remained unmoved by her excitement at the endless possibilities she saw in the future.

A vibrant yellow curry simmered on the stove, potatoes and chicken gently bubbled. A splash of color was needed for the square plate; a thin gold rim etched its way around the dish, adding flare to meringue shells. The sous chefs were summoned to roll pie crust, sauté onions and mix the filling for a broccoli carrot quiche. I fussed over the toppings for peanut butter pie as a decadent chocolate glace was poured over, cascading down the sides and into a glossy pool.  Ideas were tossed around regarding the finishing touches, peanut butter cups or tiny bits of cookies and finally whipped cream was piped along the sides. The kitchen clanked and buzzed and had come alive once again with the sounds of family cooking. Preparations for a blog post were underway and this meant that everyone would help, from the youngest to the oldest. Suggestions from the kids who no longer lived at home were received and discussed until a conclusion was made and the final product was presented. A non-stop wave had taken me from my bewildered and dormant position on the recliner to a whirl wind case of cooking and writing.  Little thought was given to the events that led up to this point and anything that remained was drowned out by the clinking of pans and the sweet smell of family cooking.

 

120 Comments Post a comment
  1. Sometimes we wonder why we do this, write, read, spend time here…you just answered that quandary. Thank you Lynz, my love and best wishes always.

    Liked by 4 people

    October 25, 2017
  2. Each day, week, month that passes brings you clarity Lynn! xoxoxoxo b-2

    Liked by 3 people

    October 25, 2017
  3. Your inner strength is a beacon in the darkness, Lyn. Carry On! 🌟✨💫

    Liked by 4 people

    October 25, 2017
  4. Yep. Gail said it. Your strength through so much adversity…it’s what we admire about you, and the warmth and openness that is reflected in your words…is what keeps us coming back here, Lynn. Some of the very best reasons to blog !

    Like

    October 25, 2017
  5. koolaidmoms #

    So very glad you are here and I get the privilege to read your story. You are an amazing mom and human being.

    Liked by 2 people

    October 25, 2017
  6. You have gone through so much for so many years, sister. It is perfect, that you have peace from the monster now, I hope, that you have found a way to support yourself and your kids. When the economy are down, it can be difficult to focus at much else, I know.

    Liked by 2 people

    October 25, 2017
  7. Lynn you are an amazing strong and beautiful woman! Take it one day at a time and thank God everyday that you were strong enough to get out of that ugly situation. Sending you big hugs. You are doing great!

    Liked by 2 people

    October 25, 2017
  8. The magic of creating – words and food – have been a balm to your soul.

    Liked by 3 people

    October 25, 2017
    • yes they really have. But the biggest thing–friends who care and validate me. All of you have said this is not you, not you! That has helped so much! Thank you Bernadette for caring and supporting me! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      October 25, 2017
  9. We have a saying here. Translated it means: If you think you cannot go on anymore, from somewhere a little light starts to shine. This is what this blog was for you. And you moved towards the light which illuminated your inside and life came back! Big hugs, Lynn 💖

    Liked by 2 people

    October 25, 2017
  10. So, instead of reeling from your loss, you shared your thoughts and recipes and made the lives of so many of us richer, friendlier, tastier… You’re a hero, Lyn. I salute you!!!

    Liked by 4 people

    October 25, 2017
  11. You are a lot stronger than you were before. You have made some substantial headway and these headways speaks of clarity in your writing. Be well.

    Liked by 2 people

    October 25, 2017
  12. Lyn, a moving account about the creation of your blog under such dire and frightful conditions…what a wonderful idea to share recipe ideas with others,finding an outlet for your creative self…you are an inspiration to so many of us. Your close family are a tribute to you. Hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
  13. Lynn, your writing has grown as your confidence has grown, as your family has grown. May you continue on this upward journey with the love and support of family and friends. xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    October 25, 2017
  14. That is a very sweet smell Lynn.

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
  15. Lynn, just reading all the comments that your friends have written is so up lifting. You are an inspiration to all of us.
    Leslie ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
  16. Lynn, you show that when things are extremely difficult, strength rises from within. You have an amazing story and have a wonderful family to surround you. Your blog is an inspiration. I know that you will be able, when the time comes, to find meaningful employment. You are resilent and amazing! xoxox

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
  17. You have certainly risen from the depths of depression into a joyful life – thanks to a supportive family who knew how to find seemingly small encouragements (like your blog) and to your enormous personal strength. Your blog provides help and inspiration to more readers than you know.

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
  18. And the rest as they say is history 💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
  19. I am so glad you are here. One of my first friends here on WordPress. And I am happy to say still friends. Much love, hope and most of all, happiness to you Lynn. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
    • Thanks so much Kat! You were one of my first friends as well and a wonderful one! Thanks for being there dear Kat! xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      October 25, 2017
  20. so wonderful to see all the love you are receiving here. you are such a beautiful human being, Lynn. someone I have come to truly truly care about. you are a hero to many of us – living proof of the power of love and healing. I’m so glad to know you and call you a friend. Keep up the great work healing yourself, loving yourself, growing into the you that you are meant to be, loving and being loved by your beautiful family, and being an inspiration to all of us here! Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
  21. You are going to make somebody an amazing employee. If you need any references you can get hundreds of them from your blogging community 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
  22. I had no idea that so much of this was overlapping with the start of your blog, Lynn. I love the resurgence of joy at the end of this post. Cooking with family is indeed a healing experience. And WordPress, for all its annoying faults, collects some wonderful souls, you included. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
    • Thanks so much Diana. I just sat each day staring at the window, didnt do much. Everyone knew how I felt and they felt the same. My kids had bugged me for a long time to have a blog and I didnt know what that meant, but it was not for me haha. Finally about a month after he left and quit supporting us, my daughters insisted and just started it for me. I reluctantly got moving and cooking and it really helped me. You are such a wonderful person and I really thank you for your support xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      October 26, 2017
  23. This blogging world offers so much more than most people realize. It is a wealth of information, support, constructive dialogue (supporting and opposing many different views) and a place people poor a tremendous amount of energy into caring about others. So glad to have found you and been a part of this wonderful journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
    • Thanks so much Jonathan, you are a special person and an advocate for our health both mental and physical! Thanks for being there

      Like

      October 26, 2017
  24. You made it through that dark passage and made it to a place of wellbeing and light. Thank you for sharing your inspiration always!

    Like

    October 25, 2017
  25. Lyn, there is never any question of how sincere and authentic you are! You are one of the highlights of my blogging experience. You are such a precious, lovable soul!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
    • Thank you dearest blue. I feel we are connected and understand each others pain and our trials. You are so special and such an inspiration. You have traveled through so much and are an inspiration to me!

      Liked by 1 person

      October 26, 2017
  26. Such a journey it has been! I am so glad you started blogging my dear Lynn! xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    October 25, 2017
  27. I couldn’t stop reading till the end. The Human being can sometimes be hard to understand. We are all so different. Thank God for the capacity to cope when all seems lost. My best wishes!

    Liked by 1 person

    October 26, 2017
  28. You have travelled so very far. Your passion shines through in your blog. Blogging is so healing and the blogging community is such an awesome support. 🌼

    Liked by 1 person

    October 26, 2017
  29. I am relatively new to your blog, but by reading the comments of long time followers, it sounds like you are discovering just how strong you really are. Writing is my therapy. As I write about a personal situation, I am better able to find the words that often escape me if I speak aloud. My prayers for your continued healing. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    October 26, 2017
  30. You have come so far, Lynn. I am so glad we met through our blogs. Sending lots of hugs! 🌾 💐 🌷 🌹 🌻 🌼 🌸 🌺

    Liked by 1 person

    October 26, 2017
  31. I am humbled by any contribution I may have made to your recovery, Lynn. Your loving family have shown how much you are deservedly valued. Did you know you were a writer before? You most certainly are.

    Liked by 1 person

    October 26, 2017
    • Derrick, you are so special to me! You are kind and honest and supportive and represent a good man in my mind! I don’t have as many male blogging friends and I am proud you are one of them. Thank you for always being there, getting a male perspective is very helpful to me and adds an important voice! xxx No I did not think of myself as a writer, thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

      October 26, 2017
  32. Thank you for sharing how the blog got started – I have always been curious!

    And I am sure I’m not alone in saying I’m so glad you started the blog. Even though it is sometimes difficult to read what you write here, you’ve been wonderful to get to know, and my life is better for having you in it!

    Liked by 1 person

    October 26, 2017
  33. Lynn, such wonderful writing! So glad you are away from him now and also happy that you started your blog! You are the best!!! xoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    October 26, 2017
    • Thanks so much for being such a great friend PJ xoxo you really helped me and were honest about your life and it gave me hope to know I can get through this. Thanks for always being here for me. You are a dear friend xoxoxoxoxo

      Like

      October 26, 2017
  34. Lifelines come in surprising and wonderful forms don’t they. Hang on to this one Dear Lynn!
    The writing has gotten better and better, and with it your strength, and confidence is building back to be the woman are! xx

    Liked by 2 people

    October 26, 2017
  35. Lynn, you are overflowing with your cooking and writing talents. But they are nothing compared to your love for your family and your courage to redefine your own life. I’m sending many blessings and hugs your way. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    October 26, 2017
  36. Aren’t our kids wonderful…my daughter set me up on here and after a month showed me people were actually writing to me…I had no idea……Give your beautiful daughter a big hug from me…..my life has been made so much better just for meeting you and sharing our lives….you are a wonderful woman, and I understand the reasons we do the things we so and say for our children…..makes us good mothers…I am so sorry for what he has put you through, he needs more than a good ass kicking for sure…..glad your doing so well and back on here letting everyone share the love with you…..keep warm, winter is coming…and please kiss that little one for me……XXXkat

    Liked by 1 person

    October 26, 2017
    • You are amazing and one of my very first and best friends from our community cute Kat!! Thanks for always supporting me and understanding! We are soul sisters xxxxxx

      Like

      October 26, 2017
  37. Thankfully, there are always silver linings, if one only knows to look for them. Yours are your children, proving you must have been doing something right all these years, despite the doubt and insecurity. And now grandchildren, a blessing and pure joy. And, of course, your writing talent. I’m glad us bloggy friends have helped a little in all this💕😘

    Liked by 1 person

    October 27, 2017
  38. A blog as an instrument of healing. Well of course. I’ve heard of that happening. But never in quite the same way as Lynz Real Cooking, nor in carrying the author so far from the depths from which she had to escape.

    Liked by 1 person

    October 27, 2017
  39. A great therapeutic decision

    Liked by 1 person

    October 29, 2017
  40. You probably helped save more lives than your own with this blog, or rather with your life choices – especially in the case of your children and their children.

    Like

    March 24, 2018

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