I woke up this morning and I got on the scale, lamented over my weight and then thought about the book. I ran through all of the things I needed to accomplish in this one day and how I had failed and had no direction. I analyzed my failure to lose weight as I have for years! I felt lost with my writing and dreaded working on the book, not knowing what I am doing. Soon I must support the family and although I don’t think the book will make money I feel the push to just get it done once and for all! I thought of the jobs I could apply for but then realized I am 55 years old and a new career is probably not going to happen and I feel anxious about that possibility anyway.
I poured my coffee and it hit me! I realized that in 35 years I have never put myself on this magical list of priorities that I use to keep my family on track and healthy. Over the years my children have encouraged me to put myself on that list, at the top. I have always refused, it felt selfish and wrong. In the past month my mind has cleared and I feel I am regaining strength and focus. I never gave much weight to years of abuse, his last visit in which he attacked me ( I could not admit that until now) his marrying a second wife, which took the abuse to a new level and the birth of his child. I told myself that it was nothing, other people suffer greatly, I was lucky.
This past two years finally it all caught up with me. I was unable to cook anything, unable to walk alone, unable to drive and unable to do simple things. I feel so much better now, but I realize that I have to be on this list, Lynn’s magical to do list. I am worthy of happiness, love and good things. I need to spend this time working on my physical, mental and spiritual health and the rest will follow. So on this day I start a new job, getting to know me and to value me. I am worth it!
The little things that have changed
1. I have posted daily for about 2 months
2. I have cooked meals unassisted for 2 weeks
3. I can walk alone short distances
4. I faced my anxiety and had a filling fixed at the dentist
5. I have used my eye wipes and flossed teeth and my bridges
6. I have eaten 3 or 4 fruits a day and 1 veggie for the past few weeks
7. I have worked many days on my book
8. I went for my skin check and was not panicked, anxiety was low
9. Thanksgiving is the one holiday that all of my kids come together. It has been a special time for the past 8 years. Last year I had no interest in celebrating. This year I am so happy to have everyone here and thinking of things to make, games to play, desserts!
10. I have actually felt joy, warm feelings and happiness.
11. My mind is clearing and I am processing things, not running in fear!
12. I can fall asleep easier and wake up at 5 a.m. not 4.
13. I feel hopeful most days.