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A update on the book

I have not been around much lately and have missed you all! I have made so many great friends and have been blessed with support and lots of help! To be totally honest I have been struggling for the past few months with OCD, PTSD and severe anxiety. It has been hard to do many things and blogging was unfortunately one of them! I didn’t want to admit this but I feel it could be helpful to others who are in my situation. I am back and hoping to continue blogging and post something each day. I will resume work on my book this coming week. I have revised the first post about moving to Saudi and have put it below. Again, thank you for the support!!!

Love, Lynn

Nothing on top of nothing

The sensation of dead insects crunching underfoot grew more intense as we made our way to the second floor. The odor of pif paf, (bug spray) rancid heat and crumbling tiles permeated the air and would later become a reminder of our year in the villa.

Foof wiggled out of my arms and walked up the last few stairs waving her hands in anticipation. She bravely navigated the steps, gingerly moving among the dead cockroaches, a sight that had terrified her in the car port area where hundreds of desiccated bugs remained after a recent fumigation.

For the previous seven years we had lived in Renton Washington, just one hour south of Seattle in a modest starter home. Odds and ends from friends who returned to their native countries were secured in order to furnish our residence. A tan sectional with bits of loose knobby fiber, 1 queen bed and several worn, pink floral pads were the only furniture that he allowed in our house. I was reminded frequently that we were temporary in this home, country and in this life and until we had a permanent place there was no need for more than rudimentary essentials.

The 25 hour journey wore on my sagging belly, contractions pounded from my abdomen to my lower back.  Mother had warned me about taking such a grueling trip while 8 months pregnant, but I had already delivered 4 babies successfully and needed to make this trip.  A job was waiting and as a dutiful wife and mother I had to follow.

We made our way to the top of the stairs where a large brown door stood before us. It was clear it had been painted a dull brown, most likely hours before we arrived. Two panels met in the middle and overlapped leaving a large crack which would later serve as an entrance for lizards and cockroaches.

He opened the doors and led us into the hall, indoor outdoor rough black carpeting covered each room, and jagged edges met intermittently with tan and brown speckled walls, threads unraveled making the carpet look askew in its placement.  Lines traced the dingy walls highlighting the exact location where a couch, loveseat and table had been positioned, proof that this place had once been inhabited.

A single brown plastic window stood strategically next to a large piece of plywood haphazardly nailed over a gaping hole. This was the space where an air conditioner would be placed but unbeknownst to me it had been declared a forbidden luxury. I stood staring at the desolation of this place, my scarf drenched in sweat; a steady pattern of drips fell down my nose and onto my lips.

The bedrooms appeared to be replicas of every room in the villa, dull carpet, speckled walls and lines where beds, chairs and dressers had once stood. A brown window, gaping hole and ragged plywood replaced air conditioners in each and every room. The stagnant and putrid stench of bug spray was barely noticeable as we searched for beds, blankets and pillows.

One last area remained, and with it the hope that a sleeping area had been arranged for us.  Pink tile, cracked and spackled with darkened grout spread out over the large room. A sink stood directly opposite the door surrounded by a tiny counter. Buzzing could be heard from a fan that circulated air and dust.  I looked around for appliances, food or water, but found nothing on top of nothing.

 

127 Comments Post a comment
  1. Just keep looking after you Lynz.. You are the most important person here.. And good luck with all of your writing and turning your harrowing experiences into a Book.. Much love your way, and I take care of you.. Love Sue xxx ❤

    Liked by 3 people

    August 16, 2017
  2. Lynn, please remember, you and your health are more important than anything. So sorry you were and are dealing with these issues. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
    • Thanks for your support. I am seeing a therapist, taking medication and going to support group. I am trying to finally face it! I have been running away from it all for a long time. Much love xxxx

      Liked by 3 people

      August 16, 2017
  3. Glad to hear from you Lynz. Look after yourseld. We’ll all still be here xxxx

    Like

    August 16, 2017
  4. koolaidmoms #

    So glad you are back to writing. Sorry about all that is happening with you. Glad to read you are getting help with it. Take your time coming back and take care of you!

    Liked by 3 people

    August 16, 2017
  5. Wonderful writing as always Lynn. I am so happy you are back, but take care of yourself first. That is most important. HUGS! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    August 16, 2017
  6. First of all, I am so happy to see you here again. As I already said, I missed you a lot! But I am glad you took this time-out for yourself which is most important. Just know that you are very loved and appreciated.
    Now, to your book. I am sure that your story will help many to show that even the most difficult life situation is not meant to last forever and that it is possible (when even hard and filled with the worst anxiety) to break out of intolerable and unacceptable circumstances. You made it through the worst and you have the most wonderful family by your side. As I always said, you are an amazing woman, Lynn 💖

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
    • You are such an inspiration and a fantastic support to me! I appreciate your words Erika. Many times lately I have felt like I will never feel good again. I don’t drive and then even could not walk outside! I am trying and seeking help and hope to get past this. Thanks for the love and kindess, it means so much!!! xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      August 16, 2017
      • You did great when you had to be strong for everybody. But what was pushed aside needs to be worked out and one point. You will make it through. I cannot say that I know what you are going through but I know for sure that with every day (no matter how bad the day is) you are one day closer to leaving the worst behind. You went through hell and back and working through this trauma cannot be done in a few months. But you are doing great again. You come first now. When you need a break then take a break. Spoil yourself, enjoy yourself. You deserve it. You matter 💖

        Liked by 1 person

        August 16, 2017
  7. The calm, almost detached, style of writing belies but also underlines what you must have felt and still feel, and is all the more powerful and poignant because of it. I wish that you didn’t have to write this story, and consequently relive your story, and that you weren’t still suffering because of it, but most of all I hope that in the end, it will be cathartic. I send you a virtual hug and am glad you are back 😊💜

    Like

    August 16, 2017
  8. Lynn, it is no wonder you are suffering from OCD, PTSD. What you went through has to have been very traumatic. Try not to relive it when you write it, and do take time out from it so it doesn’t overwhelm you.
    Leslie

    Liked by 3 people

    August 16, 2017
  9. Alice #

    My heart cries every time I read what HE (the monster) put you and your children through!
    I’m always here for you if you ever need to chat! Can we get together before summer is over?
    Alice

    Liked by 2 people

    August 16, 2017
  10. Lynn, nice to see you back blogging. I’m not sure you can avoid reliving your traumatic past when you write about it. It’s tremendous stress. Therapy & support groups are very important to get you through the worst times with OCD, PTSD and severe anxiety. Perhaps a writing “buddy” might help. I co-authored a book in progress with a good friend who suffered from anxiety & panic attacks from many serious medical problems. She wanted to help other people with her story. She talked about her experiences going through the medical crises and we structured the writing together. She didn’t have to do it alone. With every chapter we wrote, she saw her strength and persistence grow stronger to overcome the odds! A remarkable story of its own in the writing process. Sadly, she passed away last year. I hope you do have strong support with your writing venture. Christine

    Liked by 2 people

    August 16, 2017
    • Thanks for telling me this! I have not been writing but really trying to forget and just move on. That just wont happen it seems, so back to writing. Your idea is very good and so wonderful that you helped your friend xxxxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      August 16, 2017
  11. It’s great to hear from you Lynn! And good you took time off for your health. That’s the most important thing. I love the chapter you posted. So descriptive, makes me feel I’m there. You are amazing. Take care Lynn!💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
    • Thank you so so much xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      August 16, 2017
      • You’re welcome, I’ve been thinking of you. I’m sorry you’ve been having a hard time. So glad to have you back here, but make sure you take time off when you need to. xx

        Liked by 1 person

        August 16, 2017
        • Thanks so much Jenny! I appreciate what you are saying and yes I will take time off and remember your words. xxx

          Liked by 1 person

          August 16, 2017
  12. I think health is a priority, so take a break whenever you feel the need.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  13. Lynn, you write so powerfully, and hauntingly. I feel the crunch under my feet, and I smell the putrid air.
    I’m so glad you are processing the nightmare, and getting it out of you!

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  14. First of all, welcome back dear Lynn 🙂
    It is fully understandable, that you are suffering with all this after what you have been through for so many years, dear friend. You come first and please care for yourself in same way, as if it was one of your kids in need. Then only pure love.
    Your book will help you to go through all again, but also to end that time. You will get stronger day by day, even if you don’t feel it like this today.
    Much love ❤ Irene

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
    • Thanks so much my soul sister Irene! I am so glad you are home and feeling better. This was so scary and I am sure still hard for you dear! I am thinking of you and wish I could give you a real hug! love love and hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      August 16, 2017
  15. You have to look after yourself as you are number 1 in your books and if you can’t be there for you then you can’t be there for anybody else without affecting you. You have dealt with a lot in the past and from your book entry it is no wonder you suffer from PTSD. You’re book I’m sure will be a success and also a glimpse of living overseas. Be gentle with yourself and I am sending you healing ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  16. I’m so sorry you’ve been through such a hard time, Lynne. Everyone missed you and was worried about you. But it’s no wonder, after what you’ve been through. And having to be strong for the family. Time to look after yourself now, especially since the kids are doing well. Think of the book as therapy. Hugs!!! 💕😊

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  17. Lyn, you are a survivor. Your inner strength and growth is so visible through your writing. I don’t think you realize how you impact others, in a positive way. You do. Your children see it. Your friends understand it. Even strangers sense a powerful peace surrounding you, especially during times of tumult. Remain strong, taking one day at a time. And when those who are close to you extend a helping hand, accept it. Blessings. 🌟✨💫

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  18. Every time I read your story Lynn I am amazed at how strong you have been through so many tribulations. You may not feel it, but you were, and are, such a strong woman, and what a great job you’ve done, bringing up your marvellous children. They must be such a support for you!

    Good luck with the revisions towards the book. I just know it is going to be so powerful.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
    • Thanks so very much dear Peter! Your words really mean allot to me and help me to keep working on my book! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      August 16, 2017
  19. Lynz I have thought of you often in your absence. It is hard to be motivated when we are suffering emotional distress. Please take very good care of yourself. Sending hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  20. Welcome back. You have a powerful story to share. Take all the time you need to care for yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  21. In order to cope well, you must move on gracefully. Life is far from fair and unfortunately all of us are not unscathed by the trials and tribulations and even the people we met along the way. The biggest success is moving on which everyone can do. You have a wonderful family which means you won the lottery!

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  22. So happy to see you back and blogging again and also so pleased to see you are working on the book again. I know working on this has taken a toll on you, dredging up unpleasant and disturbing memories but your story is very important and as hard as it is for you think about those that it could help. You have come such a long way and are amazing and strong and resilient and you have such beautiful accomplished children. Kudos to you dear friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
    • Thanks so much Suzanne! You are so kind and these words inspire me and give me strength! Sometimes I think I should just sit here and do nothing and sometimes I do!!! But words like yours and support like this keeps me strong! Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

      August 16, 2017
  23. I’m happy to know that you’re hanging in there, and still working toward overcoming all that you’ve been through. I hope the writing helps release the fear, and anxiety, and you continue to get stronger, and stronger with each new day, and season.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  24. I never cease to be horrified by what you’ve been through. It is no surprise that sometimes you’re okay and sometimes you’re not when it comes to PTSD. Please take your time. And you’re writing is as sublime as always!

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
    • You are so kind dear Sarah! The ptsd is really pushing my OCD to a level that is hard to deal with. But I will keep trying and at least I have a diagnosis to understand it all. Thanks so much!!

      Liked by 1 person

      August 16, 2017
  25. From your writings, we can only imagine what you have survived, Lynn. So glad to see you back, but pace yourself with all this. If the sharing causes you triggers, let it go. Wishing you all the best in the healing process. We are all here for you. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  26. Bravo Bestie-miss you! xoxxo b-2

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  27. So glad you are back Lynz. Please take care of yourself. This is so painful, I can hardly read it but I must. 💜🌹

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  28. Welcome back, and sending you hugs, Lynn. Above all, care for yourself and your family – blogging is way down on the list! I’m so glad you’re working on your book again. I could read these chapters over and over again and continue to be mesmerized not only by your story-telling skills, but by your strength and resilience as a woman and mother. ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
    • Thanks so much, you are so kind. High praise coming from you!! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      August 16, 2017
      • Pfft. You have this down like a pro. When the time comes, if you want some help formatting, and preparing files for publication, etc. etc. just let me know. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        August 16, 2017
        • Oh wow that is sooooooo nice of you! I will need lots of help and to know how this all works. Thanks so very much xx

          Liked by 1 person

          August 16, 2017
          • It’s actually pretty easy once you’ve done it 13 times 🙂 I could do it in my sleep! So… I would love to help.

            Liked by 1 person

            August 16, 2017
          • Wow I am sure you can after all of that! Amazing! Thanks so much. I have no idea about any of this. xoxo I will ask for your help! Thank you

            Liked by 1 person

            August 16, 2017
  29. It is good to hear from you, Lynn! We live this life one day at a time and do the best we can in that day. Thank you for sharing and I pray each day brings you more peace and wellness in being. Take good care of yourself and I know you have great support surrounding you.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  30. JC #

    Good to hear from you. The book sounds great, I’m sure it will do very well. It will be nice to have you back in the blogoshere. Take care… jc

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  31. glad to have you back here – and totally understand!!!! ❤

    Like

    August 16, 2017
  32. Your words are filled with powerful visual images! I felt at every moment I was there with you! Hugs!!!

    I couldn’t write on my blog either for the last while. I say this to let you know that I do understand at least that feeling. I did miss you Lyn! I am sorry you were struggling so! It is good to have you back!

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  33. I’m sure writing about the past has triggered some terrible moments for you, Lynn. I’m glad you can tell us about them. Sending much love to you and your family!

    Liked by 1 person

    August 16, 2017
  34. Do what you can without tipping over the line that means you are stressing. Take care of you first and foremost. The rest WILL follow in its time. You are treasured by so many and they will wait for you to be ready, I promise. I send you love xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    August 17, 2017
  35. Lynn, you are so brave. We all understand the need to step back at times (as Nina and I do too!) and gather your resources. We will be thinking of you, and always happy to see you again. (K)

    Liked by 1 person

    August 17, 2017
  36. It’s important we take time for ourselves, Lynn. I love the fact that you are posting again and working on your book but don’t overdo it. Take time for Lynn.

    Like

    August 17, 2017
  37. I’m so sorry to hear about the troubles you have been experiencing and I wish you love, healing, and joy! You will be in my prayers Lynn! Your story is heartbreaking and it must have been hell to have experienced it! You are loved Lynn!

    Like

    August 17, 2017
    • Thanks so much PJ! I feel you can understand my struggles. I keep trying to just move forward but now I can’t leave it behind. Maybe finishing the book will help. I am seeing a therapist, going to support group and taking medication, so I am doing my best! Thanks for the love and the support! xxxx

      Like

      August 17, 2017
  38. Lynn, you are the bravest woman I know. As you write and re-live life with HIM it is not surprising that you are anxious and have PTSD. Your new version of the first chapter of your book is crisp and powerful. Your words create a dramatic picture that leads us to imagine the devastation you felt walking up those stairs. Keep on writing. You have an audience awaiting your story and lots of support from us who have come to know and cherish you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    August 17, 2017
    • You are so very kind! Thank you for your words of love and encouragement! They mean so very much to me and inspire me! xxx

      Like

      August 18, 2017
  39. Lynz so sorry to hear you’ve been troubled with anxiety, OCD and PTSD of late. It’s not surprising given all you’ve been through. As always your writing always touches a nerve and triggers emotions. Take care my dear, hope you will be feeling better soon. Good luck with finishing the book, I know you will have a queue of people wanting to read it, myself included. Sorry for being such a bad blogging friend, I am struggling to keep up with everyone these days. Life is so busy, there are just not enough hours in the day, and that leaves me with an enormous sense of regret. 🙂 x

    Like

    August 18, 2017
  40. So glad to see you back. I hope you’ve found some peace with the past and can find much joy in the future.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 19, 2017
  41. Maybe writing about these things and thinking about them causes a psychic drain. Might be good to write about some good things, too. You are a wonderful writer!

    Like

    August 20, 2017
  42. #1: I am SO glad you are back to the book. This is what I come for. You have one hell of a tale to tell and I fervently hope that you can carry on. #2. I can easily understand how writing about this stuff would exacerbate any lurking issues…PTSD being top among them and probably opening the door for other troubles as well. Your health and well being are primary. Without them, there will be no story. Without them, your family will suffer. So that is task number one. Please do what you must to take care of yourself. But, if you can manage to squeeze it in…I sure hope you can continue the book project. :-0

    Like

    August 20, 2017
  43. I’m so glad to have your writing back! This really takes me there – just the idea of the cockroaches gives me the willies.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 20, 2017
  44. I do seem to have missed this one. An awesomely captivating opening

    Liked by 1 person

    August 21, 2017
  45. Having had to deal with past trauma myself, I know that you can’t just forget it and get over it. When I eventually faced it, it took a few years to work through it. Over and over. Maybe putting it in writing can help you work through it a bit at a time.

    I finally finished my book, “Big Creek” at the end of May. It’s not going to be a best seller and Oprah hasn’t called yet, but I’m glad I did it. I won’t lie; it was a lot of hard and frustrating work. And it wasn’t even about a personal difficulty. You don’t need to be a great writer (although I think you are). You simply have a story to tell. Yours is a great big compelling and moving story that has kept many a blog reader going for years. It has important lessons.

    I remember the day I realized that I was leaving my past behind. It was in our Quaker meeting for worship. My mind was wandering during the silence when I had what I call an awake dream. Maybe it is just extremely vivid thinking. Or, it was God’s way of telling me something. I saw myself walking through a sewer, a huge one that might be under a big city. There was water, trash, and rats. Other unidentifiable muck made it scary and disgusting. Then, ahead, a pin head spot of light. I slogged along and the light became larger and brighter. Then I could see the green of trees and grass. I didn’t get out of that tunnel in my awake dream. However, I realized that I was almost there. I could stop looking back and reliving bad events and just focus on the light ahead.

    After that, my heart was lighter and I did move on. The past seldom haunts me now. It will alway be a part of me as yours will always be a part of you. However, it does not need to be the main, controlling part.

    Long winded, I guess. That is my response to your post.

    Liked by 1 person

    August 25, 2017
    • Thank you so very much for sharing your life with me. Congratulations on your book!
      The way you described your awake dream was interesting and sounds hopeful. I am glad you have moved forward and are no longer stuck. I will seek that light ahead! Thank you
      I love the images you described and will remember them and keep faith.

      Like

      August 25, 2017
  46. Stay strong Lynn!Garfield hugs!☺

    Liked by 1 person

    September 2, 2017
  47. Just let us all know when you need help promoting your book. You have a massive community that’s with on all the way.

    Liked by 1 person

    September 13, 2017
    • Thanks so very much! I am back and trying to work on it each day now! I really appreciate your expert support! xxx

      Like

      September 13, 2017

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