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The visit-5

The last time he came was May 2015. This is part 5 of an ongoing story about our lives. You can catch up by looking at The Visit for parts 1-4.

 

Brown paper lunch bags   Apple slices    grapes   a blue plate

Shaky hands picked up bread and stacked it on the coveted plate. This was Foof’s plate or so she said as she argued, grabbing it from See See. Giggles could be heard throughout the lake house until mom stepped in and handed the girls each a plate to take home.  A simple plastic plate. The morning sky hung a lavender and orange painting, casting it’s reflection across what seemed like miles of placid water. Mom scooped coffee from the white jar, making a contrast against the playful blue counters, “Lynnnnnieeee coffees on”.  My mind snapped back to peanut butter and jelly. Three sandwiches, maybe five, two more for the college kids, no Foof would not be going today, would she?  I stacked another 4 slices of bread on the blue plastic plate, home and safety. Should I cut apple slices or wash grapes. The Assembly, Soos won first place for her painting, Idaho. The accomplishment would be recognized, we had to be there. How could we sneak out, humiliation, fear. I stared down at the plate, struggling to remember who I was.

My strong stance against oppression had failed and once again I faced the inevitable conclusion that we were trapped. A sick and infectious feeling took over as we came to grips with our new reality. The days of hiding prohibited food items, clothing and even ideas, crept back with insidious fervor. The incident had not been mentioned, and like the years spent in Saudi it appeared to be another faded page in a life of guarded existence. Thoughts of calling the police were thrown aside and stuck into the category of precarious after weighing the potential outcome and upheaval that was sure to follow. My brain failed to connect the dots, silence and composure were imperative and had served me well for years and so I vowed to walk the tightrope once again.

His usual raucous footsteps were now soft and silent as he walked into the kitchen undetected. He moved closer and smiled trying to capture my attention, greeting me with the standard Arabic phrase- Peace be unto you.   As he inched closer a frantic angst pushed me to wash, rinse and scramble through the morning routine putting an unsettling distance between us. He stayed put, leaning against the counter, watching my every move. He grinned and made small talk as if nothing had happened just the day before. My hands shook uncontrollably as I opened brown paper lunch sacks trying to avoid eye contact. His words hit my senses, emotions spiraled out of control. “Lynn you always choose not to see how much I love you” Total chaos held me together in a pattern of zig zagged pieces. I looked down at the plate, large drops of fluid fell from my eyes, tears or water, sadness.

 

135 Comments Post a comment
  1. I do not LOVE how he LOVED you my friend, xoxoxo b-2.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  2. Keep it up, Lynn, you’re doing great. Wonderful writing 💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

    March 22, 2017
  3. Hey, happy birthday!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🍾🎂

    Liked by 1 person

    March 22, 2017
  4. What a manipulative man.. And I am so pleased you escaped his clutches Lynz.. Much Love to you in your strength to recount and write about it all.. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  5. Leigh Ann Voss #

    Happy Birthday Lynn! I hope you do something that you love to do!

    Leigh Ann

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  6. You are a survivor and inspiration, Lynn ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  7. Alice #

    Love?? That is not love! Lynn, I hope you realize how much you are really loved! ❤💐

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  8. Heartafire #

    Such an odd greeting from one who appears to offer just the opposite. You are a courageous lady, Lynz.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  9. I could feel what you felt and I didn’t like it. You are reliving it when you write about it, when you try to come to terms with it.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  10. Thank god you got away from him in the end. It is good that you are writing about your situation. I think your writing sets you free as well. Happy Birthday my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  11. blooming shadow #

    Happy Birthday, Lynn! I hope your day is a special one.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  12. Oh, Lynn. Every post makes my heart bleed for you and my admiration increases.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  13. Your words in describing this part of your life, never fail to impact me. His idea of love is not love, it is control & power. Love is never about causing another person to feel fear.

    I see it’s your birthday? Wishing you the continued freedom to be exactly who you choose to be each day & the hope that you feel love overflowing by those who care about you.

    Liked by 3 people

    March 22, 2017
  14. That’s not love and you know it.
    Leslie

    Liked by 1 person

    March 22, 2017
  15. That “thing” did and does not know what love is. I know that writing this is probably both painful, but good therapy. However, Happy Birthday Lynn! I hope you enjoy your special day. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    March 22, 2017
  16. Maybe once the monster did fall in love with a young woman, he did just never learn, how to live or express this kind of love for the years to come.
    He is a monster Lynn and you know it. He has manipulated you with fear for so many years, don’t let him to ever repeat this. You are much too good a woman to deserve that, dear sister ❤
    Happy Birthday and I wish you many of these to come in freedom and happiness.

    Liked by 4 people

    March 22, 2017
  17. Very glad you are where to you are today Lynn, you are free and I hope happy. And I read the comments above – Happy Birthday dear friend. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    March 22, 2017
  18. I’m so glad you are out of that situation, Lynn, and so sorry that you were trapped for so long. It’s crazy-making when words of love come out of an abuser’s mouth. You found the strength in those tears. Happy Birthday! I hope you have a day and many days more of smiles and kindness and love. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  19. A most happy, free, unburdened birthday to you, dear lady. Your situation was horrible, but your retelling of it is so beautifully done. Wishing you peace of mind going forward, proud to be your friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 22, 2017
  20. I am so glad that you are able to share your birthday with those who truly love you and with those who have come to know you a little bit. Happy Birthday, Lynn, enjoy every minute of it 😊🎉🎈🎂🌷

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  21. How ruthless he played with your feelings and fear! Although I know it is over, I feel your fear and insecurity screaming through your desperate business.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  22. Happy birthday Lynz. Wishing many healthy years ahead.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 22, 2017
  23. sportsattitudes #

    Lynn, Happy Birthday! Hope you are having a great day and wishing you peace and joy for those next 55 years!

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  24. This is heart rending. The man’s mental health must have been totally destroyed to use the word love in such a context.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  25. Controlling people always use the “I do it to help you, i do it because I love you” they lie!!

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  26. Happy birthday to you x

    Liked by 1 person

    March 22, 2017
  27. He was really such an abusive person. What a manipulator. You’ve really come a long way. You are far from him now.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  28. His relentless efforts to control you were a sport for him and he was a champion at it. So glad you won in the end. May the bruises heal soon.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  29. Such compelling writing Lynn! Wishing you the very best on your special day! Have a very Happy Birthday 😍 😘

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  30. I read the very first comment here and didn’t have to read any more. She states it simply. And truthfully. And I agree.

    Liked by 3 people

    March 22, 2017
  31. All I can say: wow! Your writing is so raw, so real.
    Happy Birthday!! My wish for you is to never ever have to experience his presence ever again.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  32. Happy Birthday, Lynn !

    Liked by 1 person

    March 22, 2017
  33. Happy birthday, sweetie! Now you can get the senior discounts 🙂 very powerful writing, dear friend!

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  34. Happy Birthday! I hope it was a lovely day! xx

    Another gripping chapter to this story! I am on the edge of the chair waiting for the next.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 22, 2017
  35. Jumped over from the Senior Salon
    ~~~~~~~~~~~
    Unless we witness it, we never know what is going on in the life of another unless they have the courage to write about it. It is so difficult to find your way back to YOU, I know personally from a slightly different lens, but you took the most difficult step of all when you got away, and another in choosing to write your pain. Congratulations. I’m sure that at least one person who reads your words will be emboldened to do the same.

    Happy Birthday, and thanks for sharing this raw and powerfully written post.
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
    ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
    “It takes a village to transform a world!”

    Liked by 1 person

    March 22, 2017
  36. A belated happy birthday to you. You have travelled such a long way. Congratulations.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 23, 2017
  37. Like is so inadequate

    Liked by 1 person

    March 23, 2017
  38. JC #

    I’m running out of adjectives… nothing but mindgames

    Liked by 2 people

    March 23, 2017
  39. Beautifully written Lynn!! I am sure writing it all down is helping you get it all out so all the new things in life and the new adventures can take the place of those times. Happy Belated birthday from Downunder!!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 23, 2017
  40. Perhaps he loved you in his way or at least he thought so. I feel he was unhappy with himself and therefore unable to show true love for someone else. His love was not genuine, IMO.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 23, 2017
  41. I hope you had a wonderful Birthday Lynn! I am so glad you are in a better place. Nobody needs that kind of love!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 23, 2017
  42. Such an insidious wretch. He would not know love in any of its fair disguises. As I read this scrambled chapter of abject brain-frozen confusion I am filled with the urge to annihilate him which as a pacifist is hugely uncomfortable. Your writing provokes exactly the response it should – you are doing brilliantly xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    March 23, 2017
    • Thanks so much! You got my meaning totally, the scrambled array of thoughts, ideas and worries! Thanks lovely Fiona xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      March 23, 2017
  43. Gives me chills up my spine!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 23, 2017
  44. Your writing has become so polished, Lynn, and yet still the emotion feels so raw. I am in awe of your courage.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 23, 2017
  45. Happy belated birthday, Dearest Lynn!! We are the same age 🙂 Hugs to you always, and your bravery inspires me! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    March 23, 2017
  46. I’m so moved by your story here, Lynz – so sad for everything you went through but celebrating in the strength and bravery that helped you become free. I know someone in a situation with that kind of ‘love’ that is almost death instead. Dreadful to see, even harder to be on the receiving end of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 24, 2017
  47. I tried to comment on #4, but somehow couldn’t find the comment field. My computer, I’m sure. What I loved about #4 was this line: reminding me of the person who had been skillfully manufactured and sworn to live in secrecy.
    And for this one, my favorite line is: like the years spent in Saudi it appeared to be another faded page in a life of guarded existence.
    You’re doing such a great job of building tension while also showing the frailty of your existence, the ease with which he pulls the rug out from under you, time and time again.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 27, 2017
  48. Happy Birthday for 5 days ago Lynn. As ever, a really powerful and brave recounting! Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 28, 2017
  49. So, so sad, but you are free now, thank heaven.

    A very belated Happy Birthday to you, Lynn! xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    March 29, 2017
  50. Love ? either I am losing it but that is not love. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    March 31, 2017

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