The visit-4

For the first 10 days I stood assuredly, revoking the authority that had been given away freely for decades. A sudden and powerful confidence blossomed and filled my soul with a compelling strength.  I spoke out against ridiculous edicts and demands, a voice that had faded through stifling oppression had now become audible and confident. I heard myself saying ” no, this is my home too”  and even though a smile widened across his mouth, a cold and calculating disdain rose from within his eyes.

Waves of uncertainty came and went as I struggled to hold onto the increasing power that I felt. It was hard to imagine why I had stayed silent for so long and it seemed as if my words now meant something. Nagging guilt surrounded me as I fought between the urge to stand up and the reality I had known for 30 years.  As a dutiful wife it had been ingrained into my very soul that there were obligations and rights that should not be neglected and that my submission was needed to secure his love and approval.

At every turn I reminded him that this was also my home and that permission should be taken before making alterations. He appeared to be a watered down version of his former self and smiled making sure to secure my acceptance before continuing with the projects he had planned.  I felt confident that I had made headway that I was now in charge of my own life and home until one too many refusals came to a head and sent his temper spiraling out of control.

A small but visible red splotch was a constant reminder of my attempt at regaining misappropriated power that had now faded back into anxiety and fear. Humiliation, shame and confusion swirled through my mind, now shattered by recent events.  I clumsily picked up remnants of the morning routine, socks, a lunch bag and laundry that needed attention. I wandered aimlessly with a strange robotic purpose, stopping momentarily to nod at him, hoping to keep the situation from escalating. This feeling had not been present since we stood in the marble hallway preparing to leave Saudi, never to return. But here it was again, debilitating fear that taunted me, reminding me of the person who had been skillfully manufactured and sworn to live in secrecy.

He marched confidently around the property, hammering and making changes wherever he saw fit, mocking the work I had done, threatening to tear out flower beds and build walls. Any sign of individuality was taken as an affront to a vision carefully groomed for years.  He made holes in window sills to anchor shades, dug up newly planted grass to put up shoddy wooden stairs and made certain to leave his residual stamp throughout the residence.

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131 thoughts on “The visit-4

  1. Lynn, your words are so important to share. For anyone who has ever felt the oppression that comes from feeling powerless under a another person’s abuse, your words speak to the strength that comes for finally ridding yourself of their control. Beautifully written my friend. I hope you replanted your garden & that is flourishes under your love & tender care.

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  2. I can’t say I’m enjoying these posts, because that’s not the right word for what I feel – anger at him, hopefulness for you and your life now, etc. Perhaps I should say that I am captivated by the posts, as that expresses it much better.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Very good to know, that this monster lives in another country and you should be in safety now, dear Sister.
    You do really need to find out to get away, you know, what I mean, this will give you so much more peace in mind and this is a promise Lynn.
    Love ❤

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  4. Like everyone else I feel great unease and not a little distress when reading these posts, but inside I am also cheering you on and gaining strength from your strength. This is such a brave thing to do. 💜

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Your words of struggle and his abuse disturb me, and I am very glad you are out of there and healing. I hope the writing down of these experiences and the support you receive here are helping you Lynn. You are deserving of many wonderful things in your life.

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  6. He felt your rising power clearly and he must have been pretty aware of the fact that his power of you and his dictation was coming to an end. What he did sounds like a last desperate try to daunt you OR to deny the inevitable for!

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  7. Reading this broke my heart, Lynne. He took such satisfaction in destruction. How cruel. Ripping up the flower beds to build walls is almost metaphorical, a tearing apart and barricading of beauty. You go on and bloom now ❤

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  8. These posts are gripping and powerful Lynn, and the content is heartrending to say the least. He was a monster to live with, determined to belittle and humiliate you at every turn. I hope the divorce will be soon and your separation will be complete.

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  9. Oh my, the rage that must have seethed through him when you stood up for yourself. His only recourse was to methodically undo what you had so lovingly done. You are winning in the end, but I know you are still fighting the battle. Stay strong. You are supported by children and followers who want only the best for you. Sending hugs.

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  10. He really is an asshat….my girlfriend, just let him do what ever he wants….its just stuff….stand strong, head high and be proud of who you are….when he leaves then you get the wonderful feeling of tearing apart all the crap he did…hes only doing it to bother you, to prove he can…let the fucker do as he will….don’t have an opinion on any of it….leave, go for a long walk….fuck him and his ego….sorry for the foul mouth, but its hard to speak nicely of such an asshole…..you did great, you do have a voice, but in my opinion all the stuff he is doing is just his way of staying in control…or at least he thinks he is in control….he wasn’t you were…..just keep hearing me on your shoulder….you are woman hear me roar……xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxkat

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  11. Like a tom-cat pissing on it’s turf … a tom-cat who has hissed and arched his back and struck out with claws outstretched from paws that once upon a time seemed soft and harmless. You write so well, my friend. This range of emotions you illicit from me as you reader is breathtaking. And I am glad you are finding the strength within yourself to get this awful stinking period out of your insides and onto paper. I wish you strength and I hope with all my heart that this is not making you too anxious. Bon courage, ma belle amie xxxxxx

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  12. Wow, how cruel. I get so upset when I read your posts sometimes. I can’t believe he tried to take everything, even ‘you’ from you. I hope you are enjoying planting flower beds today 😀

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  13. It’s so great to read that you were finding your confidence to stand up to him! There was bound to be a set back when he got really abusive, but set backs are the stepping stones to comebacks!

    In the time he’s been gone you’ve grown so much. Keeping you in my thoughts! xx

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I can’t help but think that this bully who tried to make you small by wielding his power over you has done the opposite. Not only just for you Lynz, but for that oppressed and abused woman who right now is reading your post and gaining strength from your experience.

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      1. Yes, you must. I know I must have mentioned this before, the way you convey your story is very powerful. And if you felt powerless when you were with him rest assured you’re sharing your renewed sense of strength with others so that they too can extricate themselves from their toxic relationships.

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  15. This sounds like a period of controlled endurance since you have “woken up” and thought you were on your way and then get this treatment of his trying to unravel what you have taken so long to build up.

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  16. Lyn, this was so powerful and painful. Many people say to just speak up, say something. But they don’t understand the consequences that often follow from doing so. And how it is this that makes you feel like a caged animal with no escape. Your writing was strong and clear and powerfully written. My heart goes out to you! Hugs!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. This is so well written and it hurts just to read what you went through – feel shaken thinking about you being there in that madness. They say less is often more and this is so true in your writing here, about his blow-out the result, the concentration on detail all too eloquent.

    Liked by 1 person

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