Skip to content

The visit-4

For the first 10 days I stood assuredly, revoking the authority that had been given away freely for decades. A sudden and powerful confidence blossomed and filled my soul with a compelling strength.  I spoke out against ridiculous edicts and demands, a voice that had faded through stifling oppression had now become audible and confident. I heard myself saying ” no, this is my home too”  and even though a smile widened across his mouth, a cold and calculating disdain rose from within his eyes.

Waves of uncertainty came and went as I struggled to hold onto the increasing power that I felt. It was hard to imagine why I had stayed silent for so long and it seemed as if my words now meant something. Nagging guilt surrounded me as I fought between the urge to stand up and the reality I had known for 30 years.  As a dutiful wife it had been ingrained into my very soul that there were obligations and rights that should not be neglected and that my submission was needed to secure his love and approval.

At every turn I reminded him that this was also my home and that permission should be taken before making alterations. He appeared to be a watered down version of his former self and smiled making sure to secure my acceptance before continuing with the projects he had planned.  I felt confident that I had made headway that I was now in charge of my own life and home until one too many refusals came to a head and sent his temper spiraling out of control.

A small but visible red splotch was a constant reminder of my attempt at regaining misappropriated power that had now faded back into anxiety and fear. Humiliation, shame and confusion swirled through my mind, now shattered by recent events.  I clumsily picked up remnants of the morning routine, socks, a lunch bag and laundry that needed attention. I wandered aimlessly with a strange robotic purpose, stopping momentarily to nod at him, hoping to keep the situation from escalating. This feeling had not been present since we stood in the marble hallway preparing to leave Saudi, never to return. But here it was again, debilitating fear that taunted me, reminding me of the person who had been skillfully manufactured and sworn to live in secrecy.

He marched confidently around the property, hammering and making changes wherever he saw fit, mocking the work I had done, threatening to tear out flower beds and build walls. Any sign of individuality was taken as an affront to a vision carefully groomed for years.  He made holes in window sills to anchor shades, dug up newly planted grass to put up shoddy wooden stairs and made certain to leave his residual stamp throughout the residence.

131 Comments Post a comment
  1. Total idiot! Re-plant your flower bed-double its size Lynn. His only stamp there is in name only. Each passing day will lessen whatever hold you feel he still has on you-(which by the way isn’t much anymore…). Hugs xoxoxo b-2

    Liked by 4 people

    March 1, 2017
  2. Lynn, your words are so important to share. For anyone who has ever felt the oppression that comes from feeling powerless under a another person’s abuse, your words speak to the strength that comes for finally ridding yourself of their control. Beautifully written my friend. I hope you replanted your garden & that is flourishes under your love & tender care.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 1, 2017
  3. Wonderfully written, Lynn. I felt the anger and humiliation. Thinking he was so powerful. And was losing that power. Hope you’re doing well! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  4. I can’t say I’m enjoying these posts, because that’s not the right word for what I feel – anger at him, hopefulness for you and your life now, etc. Perhaps I should say that I am captivated by the posts, as that expresses it much better.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  5. koolaidmoms #

    Glad you are getting this out. It is something that many women need to hear. Hope your healing is continuing.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  6. My language when I read your posts is unprintable! As ever, you express yourself so powerfully.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  7. Urg, he makes me sick….sorry Lynn. Just all in the life of an abuser. So glad you are out of there and are now your own person. Hugs xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  8. He may have left his residual stamp in your dwelling, but not in your spirit. Well written, Lynn. We are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  9. Very good to know, that this monster lives in another country and you should be in safety now, dear Sister.
    You do really need to find out to get away, you know, what I mean, this will give you so much more peace in mind and this is a promise Lynn.
    Love ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    March 1, 2017
  10. I don’t know how you put up with it. I’m so glad you are out of there and safe, Lynn.
    Leslie

    Liked by 2 people

    March 1, 2017
  11. It seems such a short time ago, and yet you have come so far. Your strength continues to grow. (K)

    Liked by 2 people

    March 1, 2017
  12. Like everyone else I feel great unease and not a little distress when reading these posts, but inside I am also cheering you on and gaining strength from your strength. This is such a brave thing to do. 💜

    Liked by 3 people

    March 1, 2017
  13. Your words of struggle and his abuse disturb me, and I am very glad you are out of there and healing. I hope the writing down of these experiences and the support you receive here are helping you Lynn. You are deserving of many wonderful things in your life.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  14. He felt your rising power clearly and he must have been pretty aware of the fact that his power of you and his dictation was coming to an end. What he did sounds like a last desperate try to daunt you OR to deny the inevitable for!

    Liked by 2 people

    March 1, 2017
    • Hmm that is very true Erika! I blamed myself for standing up and I felt I made trouble by sticking up for myself. But,you are right! xoxoxoThanks dear

      Liked by 2 people

      March 1, 2017
      • Of course, you doubted your actions! You practiced it too long. But something broke through that doubted the doubts!💖💖💖

        Like

        March 1, 2017
  15. I would be tempted to plant a garden full of poisonous plants were it not for the danger that would be for your children and their little ones!

    Liked by 2 people

    March 1, 2017
  16. Sending you hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  17. I don’t know how you do it

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  18. Reading this broke my heart, Lynne. He took such satisfaction in destruction. How cruel. Ripping up the flower beds to build walls is almost metaphorical, a tearing apart and barricading of beauty. You go on and bloom now ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    March 1, 2017
  19. And what good did it do him?

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  20. My momma told me that if I have nothing nice to say then I shouldn’t say it. LOL. I have nothing nice to say about him, but I want to thank you for continuing to share your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  21. These posts are gripping and powerful Lynn, and the content is heartrending to say the least. He was a monster to live with, determined to belittle and humiliate you at every turn. I hope the divorce will be soon and your separation will be complete.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  22. Alice #

    Oh Lynn! I hope you went back after HE tried taking away from you and made it even better! And SMILED while you worked!!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    March 1, 2017
  23. Oh my, the rage that must have seethed through him when you stood up for yourself. His only recourse was to methodically undo what you had so lovingly done. You are winning in the end, but I know you are still fighting the battle. Stay strong. You are supported by children and followers who want only the best for you. Sending hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 1, 2017
    • Thanks so very much Peggy! I think you are right it made him furious and I felt foolish but could not allow him to once again tear down what we had worked hard on. Thanks for caring and supporting me xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      March 1, 2017
  24. YAY!! Good for you for speaking up against him!! You are a strong powerful woman!!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  25. All of his bravado was false and he acts the bully because of his cowardice. I’m glad you are writing this again.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  26. He really is an asshat….my girlfriend, just let him do what ever he wants….its just stuff….stand strong, head high and be proud of who you are….when he leaves then you get the wonderful feeling of tearing apart all the crap he did…hes only doing it to bother you, to prove he can…let the fucker do as he will….don’t have an opinion on any of it….leave, go for a long walk….fuck him and his ego….sorry for the foul mouth, but its hard to speak nicely of such an asshole…..you did great, you do have a voice, but in my opinion all the stuff he is doing is just his way of staying in control…or at least he thinks he is in control….he wasn’t you were…..just keep hearing me on your shoulder….you are woman hear me roar……xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxkat

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  27. ugh!!!! the red splotches? you are not hurting yourself are you?

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  28. Reading this makes me cringe, but that is quelled by the fact that I know the beast is gone and you have regained your life back Lynn. As always, I send hugs for your ever-growing courage and tenacity. ❤ xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
  29. Like a tom-cat pissing on it’s turf … a tom-cat who has hissed and arched his back and struck out with claws outstretched from paws that once upon a time seemed soft and harmless. You write so well, my friend. This range of emotions you illicit from me as you reader is breathtaking. And I am glad you are finding the strength within yourself to get this awful stinking period out of your insides and onto paper. I wish you strength and I hope with all my heart that this is not making you too anxious. Bon courage, ma belle amie xxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2017
  30. JC #

    Plant flower to remind you of how beautiful life is and send him plenty of pictures.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2017
  31. Your endurance is amazing, Lynn. I hope your garden grows with so many beautiful flowers that his memory is buried in their glory.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2017
  32. Wow, how cruel. I get so upset when I read your posts sometimes. I can’t believe he tried to take everything, even ‘you’ from you. I hope you are enjoying planting flower beds today 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2017
  33. These lines are chilling: ‘even though a smile widened across his mouth, a cold and calculating disdain rose from within his eyes.’

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2017
  34. It’s so great to read that you were finding your confidence to stand up to him! There was bound to be a set back when he got really abusive, but set backs are the stepping stones to comebacks!

    In the time he’s been gone you’ve grown so much. Keeping you in my thoughts! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2017
  35. Very powerful! Your emotions of being under oppression resonates the story! So glad you are out of the situation!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2017
  36. Destroying beauty is so much VIP. So glad you are out of this!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2017
  37. I’ve missed so much. One day when I have time I have to go back and read. I hope you eventually publish a memoir.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2017
  38. Lynn, his treatment of you sickens me. It heartens me that you have slowly retaken your self and are growing stronger in your new-found confidence. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2017
  39. I can’t help but think that this bully who tried to make you small by wielding his power over you has done the opposite. Not only just for you Lynz, but for that oppressed and abused woman who right now is reading your post and gaining strength from your experience.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 2, 2017
    • Thanks so much Steph. It is hard to talk about, I feel great shame, guilt and fear but I hope someone can benefit from what I have to say. Thanks for caring dear Steph!

      Liked by 1 person

      March 2, 2017
      • We’re in your corner Lynz. No one deserves to suffer the treatment you endured and I just know because of your words you are helping others.

        Liked by 1 person

        March 2, 2017
        • That really motivates me Steph and makes me feel there is a purpose to write. Thank you xx

          Liked by 1 person

          March 3, 2017
          • Yes, you must. I know I must have mentioned this before, the way you convey your story is very powerful. And if you felt powerless when you were with him rest assured you’re sharing your renewed sense of strength with others so that they too can extricate themselves from their toxic relationships.

            Liked by 1 person

            March 3, 2017
          • Thanks so much! I don’t feel powerful at all but I guess I better start telling myself that and realizing it as well. Thanks Steph your words do make a difference! xx

            Liked by 1 person

            March 3, 2017
          • 💖💖💖

            Liked by 1 person

            March 3, 2017
  40. munchkinontheroad #

    Your story is such an important testimony to there is a way out from that kind of mental and physical abuse.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 4, 2017
  41. Beautifully written Lynn! I know it will help others and give them strength and courage!!

    Like

    March 4, 2017
  42. You did so well to stand up to him, and you’ve just got stronger and stronger ever since xxx you look really well x

    Liked by 1 person

    March 4, 2017
  43. This sounds like a period of controlled endurance since you have “woken up” and thought you were on your way and then get this treatment of his trying to unravel what you have taken so long to build up.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 5, 2017
  44. Lyn, this was so powerful and painful. Many people say to just speak up, say something. But they don’t understand the consequences that often follow from doing so. And how it is this that makes you feel like a caged animal with no escape. Your writing was strong and clear and powerfully written. My heart goes out to you! Hugs!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 7, 2017
  45. This is so well written and it hurts just to read what you went through – feel shaken thinking about you being there in that madness. They say less is often more and this is so true in your writing here, about his blow-out the result, the concentration on detail all too eloquent.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 9, 2017
  46. Big huggs for you, Lynz!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 15, 2017
  47. Well done. However, I do have to backtrack and read from the beginning. Keep your spirit up and I will comment again. ☺

    Liked by 1 person

    March 29, 2017

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

No Plate Like Home

Helping Moms Succeed at Home!

A non artist

Just a girl with some blogs

What do you mean ?

“Every human life contains a potential. It that potential is not fulfilled, that life was wasted.” ― C.G. Jung

Ramblings of a Writer

Living the Path of Life

LIBARAH

Just bcoz something’s toxic doesn’t mean its not tasty.

Yuudapies stuff

This site is meant for blueprints and assembly instructions for cosplay props and more.

Sweet & Nice things

Blog over: lifestyle,beauty,fashion en meer!

Educated Unemployed Indian

Trying to benefit from education & (a little) from unemployment!

Sushi Love

Japan | Peace | Longevity |

Garfieldhug's Blog

This & That Including What Ails

The Little Mermaid

MAKING A DIFFERENCE, ONE STEP AT A TIME

iScriblr

Life hacks, fashion and beauty tips, photography, health gyan, poetry and heartfelt musings about everything and anything under the sun!

Cooking Is My Sport

Practice makes perfect.

Lynn Thaler

Weird and Random Thoughts

The Chatter Blog

Living: All Day Every Day: Then Chattering About It

Swapna's Kitchen

Food brings families together

BirdHouse Diaries

A fun little blog about food, crafts, and general geekery

%d bloggers like this: