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The visit-3

“Two mochas, low fat turkey sandwich and a chocolate croissant, warmed up please.” Wrappers littered the van floor, an account of our vagabond lifestyle. Each day was spent driving around the tiny town we now called home, searching for answers and a way to bring about a temporary peace in what had descended into a tumultuous environment. Ordering fast food, driving past green hills of the Spring Palouse and finally wearily heading towards Saleeha’s little downstairs apartment. What had once been viewed as a dingy, first residence, now served as a safe haven and refuge.

Leaving our home that day seemed scandalous and sickening; it was not me, not Lynn. I was raised in a “good and respectable” home, a loyal wife and companion, accepting whatever was given to me and making the best of it. Now abuse had knocked at the door and there was no way to deny its entry into our lives. Numerous excuses had been made for his controlling and aggressive behavior, but never had this reality actually been inescapable until it openly became physical.

Shame and guilt were evident in a last ditch effort to co-exist, not call police and pretend that we were still a family, that I was not a failure as mother and wife. My first reaction was to flee, take the children for the remainder of his visit and stay at Saleeha’s place. My desire to keep things on an even keel and eliminate any further humiliation won out and after hours of wandering aimlessly around our small city, we finally drove up the hill and opened the door.

He sat in the middle of the couch, a small but self-assured grin spread across his lips. He looked straight at me and asked me what my plans were for the rest of the day. The events had been erased and once again I felt that it had been my doing, my fault.

 

127 Comments Post a comment
  1. As always, I likwe that you can write this, not what you describe.

    Liked by 3 people

    February 21, 2017
  2. There’s no w in like 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  3. omtatjuan3 #

    Thank God you made it out alive…

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
    • Thanks Juan! I am shattered and anxious but yes so true! I have to remember that because I get upset and feel like a failure!Thanks so much

      Like

      February 21, 2017
  4. An idiot plain and simple! Yet, he was still there in the home?! xoxo b-2

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  5. Hmmm some decisions take time and are hard. It’s good to know that you are safe now.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
    • Thanks! I could not stand for my kids to be humiliated again!!!!!!! So I tried to hold it together xxx

      Like

      February 21, 2017
  6. The picture you give… would love to wash the smirk off his face. (I apologize. I know he is your children’s father, but still…) xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  7. No words can describe the way I feel, I am glad you are here today where you are and in a safer place. Your writing is filled with emotions Lynn, I appreciate your words and you.

    Like

    February 21, 2017
  8. I don’t like and I can’t comment because what I am feeling is unprintable!

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  9. I am finding this both difficult to read whilst simultaneously glad that you are able to write about it and not keep it bottled up. You are a brave woman and I hope you are proud of the stance you have taken and the example you set for your children and grandchildren. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  10. koolaidmoms #

    Glad you are writing. This is difficult to read and I am sure even more difficult to write but letting it out takes away another layer of his power over you. There is no shame for you and your children. You were surviving. The shame should be all on him.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  11. The most insidious thing about abuse is how the victim in made to feel responsible. I am sooo glad there was a part of you that knew better, Lynn. You tapped into something powerful that had quite enough. Your story is frightening and shines with courage. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    February 21, 2017
    • Thanks so much Diana! It is insidious! I was going to call a book Insidious but I think that is the name of a book or movie already! You are so right that is the biggest thing! I still carry allot of guilt and shame and when any tiny thing goes wrong I am so upset with myself and this includes cooking a meal that is not the best or forgetting something! Insidious!

      Liked by 1 person

      February 21, 2017
      • Abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser. Never the victim. It’s all his sh*t that he dumped on you. Don’t own it, my friend. You are an incredible person and worthy of care, tenderness, and love, especially your own. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        February 21, 2017
  12. Alice #

    It never has been your fault! You put up with more then any woman ever should! You are a brave, strong, and amazing woman! I can’t wait until the book is published!!
    Let’s get together this year. It’s been too long!!!! Love you friend!

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
    • We have to get together dear Alice! Love you sweetheart! Yes let’s please get together xoxo

      Like

      February 21, 2017
  13. You write this so vividly, so evocatively that I actually feel physically sick first with surging anxiety and then with the grim reality of that insidious smile and what might follow. YOu are on crackling form Lynn …. keep this up and your book will flow out of that locked place and onto the page and off the shelves like good chocolate croissants (warmed) do in my city. bon courage my friend, my dear friend – I am SOOOOOO proud of you xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
    • You are so so so sweet and inspiring dearest Fiona! I miss you so much and our phone conversations! I love your imagery dearest xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      February 21, 2017
      • I miss you too. Very much. I’m still jumping through hoops for the USCIS but I hope I will be back by the end of July …. keep those toes crossed for me and keep writing this powerful stuff. You really should be so proud of yourself for getting it out even though it is scary and hurtful and a reminder of a place you don’t want to think about. But it is brutally brilliant and I don’t say that lightly. YOu know I don’t xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

        February 21, 2017
  14. Dear Lyn, Your writing, as usual, is very compelling. I just hope that the telling is cathartic and not causing you more anxiety. Worried about you.

    Liked by 2 people

    February 21, 2017
    • Thanks dear! I am living in so much anxiety already to be honest that each week I try to write something! The day I write it and at that time it is scary but I hope I can get it out and let it go? Thanks so much Bernadette! xoxoxo your support means so much to me

      Liked by 1 person

      February 21, 2017
  15. The only mistake you did back then Lynn, was to fall in love with the monster. As both of us know, monsters are very good to hide their real personality, until it is too late to just leave.
    What happened after that, will never be your mistake, dear friend.
    Monsters are experts to let other eat the guilt, they never do anything wrong, if you ask them, only all others are crazy etc. and this you do also know.
    I’m really happy, that you are able to get it out of your system this way by writing, it needs to come out and you to look at it, just as it was, then you will be able to release a lot of emotions, as you can use in other places for your own good.
    Much love ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    February 21, 2017
  16. Is Saleeha’s place a woman’s shelter, Lynn?
    Leslie

    Like

    February 21, 2017
    • No it is my oldest daughter’s little apartment. She moved out which was a big deal. He said no kids could move out especially a daughter unless she was married. But I helped her and she moved out! So, she lived in a little dingy type place and now has moved closer to us!

      Liked by 1 person

      February 21, 2017
      • She must have been a big help to you, Lynn.
        Leslie

        Liked by 1 person

        February 21, 2017
        • Oh she was and my Fattima foof is the one who stood up to him and stopped it all! She and I rode around for those days in the car until school let out! xxx

          Liked by 1 person

          February 21, 2017
  17. Difficult past; beautiful future. Glad you are able to let it out. Keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  18. It’s good to see you writing again. You are so talented at it. Your sharing this horror touches many! Take care Lynn!!

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  19. I feel every word you write. I know that emotion and tendency to take the blame, try to figure out what happened so you don’t trigger it again. It was NOT your fault. I am so proud of you for writing and sharing this. I hope that it will one day spark me to speak of my abuse as well.

    Liked by 2 people

    February 21, 2017
  20. One of the dangers of abuse is that we can’t defend ourselves in life without feeling like a bad person or we did something wrong. While the abuser has no guilt at all. It doesn’t make sense and we know this in our head, but our emotions can not feel the truth easily. You are such a beautiful and amazing soul! Your writing is honest and palpable! Lots of hugs!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  21. Hi Lynz,
    I keep thinking of the book you wanted to write and put aside for awhile. I hope you are back in the writing saddle and keep on posting.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  22. Their ability to make you feel like its all your fault and act like nothing happened….such a snake….I am so happy that you are writing about this…let it out and it go…..your a wonderful woman, and none of this, absolutely none of this is because of you….or something he said you did….its all him…don’t give him any power….denounce him immediately and take back your power and self worth….your a good, loving, caring daughter, mother, woman and know grandmother…..he is the snake in the grass and predator…..what a pig………sending you hugs and more hugs….xxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

    February 21, 2017
  23. It’s hard to stomach what you went through, but I know, I KNOW, that your freedom must be coming soon. And though freedom isn’t always easy, it is always better. I’m waiting for that moment…..

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  24. As always, it’s so hard to read of your experiences, none of which were your fault. I hope that writing it all out will help you to realize that fact, Lynn. You did the right thing, for yourself, and your children. Wishing you peace of mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  25. annjekins #

    Stay strong.. and glad you are safe..

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
  26. Oh dearest Lynn, I waited to read this post until I had some time to settle and be able to reply to you. I applaud your courage to speak out, and tell the truth of this insidious – yes insidious – thing whom I can’t even call a man. Just know that we love you so much and you just keep the courage to find the words that will heal you. God bless you dear! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    February 21, 2017
    • Thank you dear KR! Your words are lovely and do bring me comfort. I am hoping that healing will start or maybe has started. I value your support and love xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      February 22, 2017
  27. As Irene said, you fell in love with him and trusted him. There must have been something wonderful but was and more erased by his inner darkness. You have come such a long way to step into the light again! 💖

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
  28. Dear Lynn, every word you write gives birth to your courage to face your abuse and abuser. Keep pushing. We are with you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
  29. I probably have mentioned this before, but isn’t it ironic how the abuser always has the ability to blame the other. I envisioned him sitting on that couch with that grin, I swear I wanted to wipe it right off his face (then I would be the abuser hahaha) xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
  30. Luckily we know there’s a good ending for you. So hard to make the break, especially with children involved. Glad you are able to get it out in words. xxooK

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
  31. If I could only pour some comfort into your beautiful heart!! You have changed the world with the love and light that you have brought. I wish you could feel that. Hugs, always ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
  32. Wonderful writing Lynn! You really capture the emotions you were experiencing making it SOO real for your readers! So scary! Finally getting away from him – BIG RELIEF!

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
  33. You are such a talented reader Lynz and I think your story is so powerful.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
  34. You were not and you are not a failure. You are a survivor of a situation where you virtually had no control. You’re a brave woman, Lynn.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
  35. This is hard to read – I’m so glad you can and are writing this down. As hard as it is to read, I can’t even imagine how difficult it was to live through it and write it down.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
  36. Lynz, this is hard to read, such a personal harrowing time. I’m so glad you’re safe and the future looks more positive. What struck me is the mention of guilt and shame – something I’ve heard from other women abused by their partners, just horrific.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
    • So much guilt and shame for me at least

      Liked by 1 person

      February 22, 2017
      • Lynz, this is so often the case and my heart breaks to hear your pain. I know women going through similar guilt and shame feelings and I just feel helpless. Hugs to you. xx

        Liked by 1 person

        February 23, 2017
        • Thanks so much for caring! It stays with you and effects so many aspects of your life xxx thanks Annika xxx

          Liked by 1 person

          February 23, 2017
  37. Amazing how this type of behavior makes the victim feel as though they are to blame… I’ve seen this time and again and have also felt it in some ways. What is heartwarming though is the response to your writing, Lynn. You must be doing something right! 💕💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
  38. Your story is so common, yet so seldom told, and rarely told with such graceful effectiveness. Please keep telling it so that others will see themselves…and see hope of a different future.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
  39. I have been reading your stories for hours and I think you’re an extremely brave and courageous woman. I hope you will finish your book and that your story will speak to many more women out there. I am very glad to see that your children are all grown and thriving, and that you’re a grandmother. This will make a happy chapter in your story.
    I also would like to inquire about your in-laws. You mentioned they were living in Syria, but with the war going on, do you know if they’re still in Damascus?

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
    • They are still living in Damascus, the last time we visited was 2008. thanks for the support and the nice comment! xx

      Liked by 1 person

      February 22, 2017
  40. I’ve missed installments … I have to go back and read. So glad you made a new life for you and your kids.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
  41. What a blessing having the car was! Just being able to escape for a few hours must have been a relief.

    I’m so glad you and the kids aren’t in this same situation! I hope the writing is helping you sort though all the emotions and you’re healing. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    February 22, 2017
    • Thanks so much! It was good that we had a reliable car and that Saleeha had moved into her own place. Thanks Deborah I am also hoping that things get better. My son is graduating in May and so we will see if he tries to come and attend the graduation! xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      February 22, 2017
      • You’re still married?

        Liked by 1 person

        February 22, 2017
        • Yes

          Liked by 1 person

          February 23, 2017
          • I recommend Divorce and/or annulment. From what I’ve read I think your children will be on your side.

            I’ve been there…it took me 2+yrs to be strong enough emotionally to face him again and demand a divorce. It’s very empowering, and for me a HUGE boost to my self esteem and mental, and physical healing process.

            Thankfully he agreed, and we used a mediator. Once the mediator was involved and I could pass all dealings with him through their office I felt safe, and in a place where reasonable bargaining could be. It wasn’t likely that he would be violent on the phone with them or in the office with them. He wasn’t. He was the little man he really was there.

            Once divorced and out of his clutches forever and knowing I was free was all I needed to feel on the right path, and get my life back. I wish the same for you!

            The biggest difference between you and me…I was blessed with NO, ZERO children by the Grace of God in the two years I was with and abused by him.
            I think you still have minor children which can really complicate things…but maybe he’s ready to walk away. I’ll pray for that!
            XX

            Liked by 1 person

            February 28, 2017
          • WOW Thank you for sharing this Deborah! I am so glad that you are safe and happy and have moved on with your life! I have not heard from him for almost 2 years so I wish he would just easily divorce and leave me alone. He has asked my older sons a few times about me and will we be able to mend our relationship!! That makes me cringe. Thanks for being so brave to share with me! xoxo

            Liked by 1 person

            March 1, 2017
  42. I am always amazed and horrified by your accounts. What you went through dear Lynn!

    Liked by 1 person

    February 23, 2017
  43. Your lip is all healed! It looks great!!
    I hat, no, strongly dislike him!!!

    Like

    February 23, 2017
  44. It was never your fault and you were never a failure. I hope you are beginning to accept that now.

    Liked by 1 person

    February 26, 2017
  45. He most certainly belongs in the creep squad!

    Liked by 1 person

    February 26, 2017
  46. hello my friend….this is my 1st day back and just had to drop in and say hello….missed you

    Liked by 1 person

    February 27, 2017
  47. Your strength and courage builds every day…you will flourish Lynn! I know it!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    February 28, 2017
  48. Hello Lynn. I’ve really missed reading your posts over the last few months and I’m not sure what I’ve missed before this episode took place. It is Number 3, so I imagine there are parts 1 & 2 somewhere. This event is obviously some time after the last part I read, when ‘he’ was on the verge of becoming violent. I’d like to read some of the missing episodes as soon as I have time. I have a lot of catching up to do on my blog altogether as I’ve let it slide a lot last year. This is a disturbing episode, even without actual physical violence. his manner is very sinister.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 1, 2017
    • Thanks Millie! So good to see you here. I have missed you so much! I hope all is well.

      Like

      March 1, 2017

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