The visit-3

“Two mochas, low fat turkey sandwich and a chocolate croissant, warmed up please.” Wrappers littered the van floor, an account of our vagabond lifestyle. Each day was spent driving around the tiny town we now called home, searching for answers and a way to bring about a temporary peace in what had descended into a tumultuous environment. Ordering fast food, driving past green hills of the Spring Palouse and finally wearily heading towards Saleeha’s little downstairs apartment. What had once been viewed as a dingy, first residence, now served as a safe haven and refuge.

Leaving our home that day seemed scandalous and sickening; it was not me, not Lynn. I was raised in a “good and respectable” home, a loyal wife and companion, accepting whatever was given to me and making the best of it. Now abuse had knocked at the door and there was no way to deny its entry into our lives. Numerous excuses had been made for his controlling and aggressive behavior, but never had this reality actually been inescapable until it openly became physical.

Shame and guilt were evident in a last ditch effort to co-exist, not call police and pretend that we were still a family, that I was not a failure as mother and wife. My first reaction was to flee, take the children for the remainder of his visit and stay at Saleeha’s place. My desire to keep things on an even keel and eliminate any further humiliation won out and after hours of wandering aimlessly around our small city, we finally drove up the hill and opened the door.

He sat in the middle of the couch, a small but self-assured grin spread across his lips. He looked straight at me and asked me what my plans were for the rest of the day. The events had been erased and once again I felt that it had been my doing, my fault.

 

127 thoughts on “The visit-3

  1. I am finding this both difficult to read whilst simultaneously glad that you are able to write about it and not keep it bottled up. You are a brave woman and I hope you are proud of the stance you have taken and the example you set for your children and grandchildren. πŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Glad you are writing. This is difficult to read and I am sure even more difficult to write but letting it out takes away another layer of his power over you. There is no shame for you and your children. You were surviving. The shame should be all on him.

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  3. The most insidious thing about abuse is how the victim in made to feel responsible. I am sooo glad there was a part of you that knew better, Lynn. You tapped into something powerful that had quite enough. Your story is frightening and shines with courage. ❀

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  4. It never has been your fault! You put up with more then any woman ever should! You are a brave, strong, and amazing woman! I can’t wait until the book is published!!
    Let’s get together this year. It’s been too long!!!! Love you friend!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You write this so vividly, so evocatively that I actually feel physically sick first with surging anxiety and then with the grim reality of that insidious smile and what might follow. YOu are on crackling form Lynn …. keep this up and your book will flow out of that locked place and onto the page and off the shelves like good chocolate croissants (warmed) do in my city. bon courage my friend, my dear friend – I am SOOOOOO proud of you xxxx

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  6. The only mistake you did back then Lynn, was to fall in love with the monster. As both of us know, monsters are very good to hide their real personality, until it is too late to just leave.
    What happened after that, will never be your mistake, dear friend.
    Monsters are experts to let other eat the guilt, they never do anything wrong, if you ask them, only all others are crazy etc. and this you do also know.
    I’m really happy, that you are able to get it out of your system this way by writing, it needs to come out and you to look at it, just as it was, then you will be able to release a lot of emotions, as you can use in other places for your own good.
    Much love ❀

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  7. I feel every word you write. I know that emotion and tendency to take the blame, try to figure out what happened so you don’t trigger it again. It was NOT your fault. I am so proud of you for writing and sharing this. I hope that it will one day spark me to speak of my abuse as well.

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  8. One of the dangers of abuse is that we can’t defend ourselves in life without feeling like a bad person or we did something wrong. While the abuser has no guilt at all. It doesn’t make sense and we know this in our head, but our emotions can not feel the truth easily. You are such a beautiful and amazing soul! Your writing is honest and palpable! Lots of hugs!!!!

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  9. Their ability to make you feel like its all your fault and act like nothing happened….such a snake….I am so happy that you are writing about this…let it out and it go…..your a wonderful woman, and none of this, absolutely none of this is because of you….or something he said you did….its all him…don’t give him any power….denounce him immediately and take back your power and self worth….your a good, loving, caring daughter, mother, woman and know grandmother…..he is the snake in the grass and predator…..what a pig………sending you hugs and more hugs….xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  10. As always, it’s so hard to read of your experiences, none of which were your fault. I hope that writing it all out will help you to realize that fact, Lynn. You did the right thing, for yourself, and your children. Wishing you peace of mind.

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  11. Oh dearest Lynn, I waited to read this post until I had some time to settle and be able to reply to you. I applaud your courage to speak out, and tell the truth of this insidious – yes insidious – thing whom I can’t even call a man. Just know that we love you so much and you just keep the courage to find the words that will heal you. God bless you dear! ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  12. As Irene said, you fell in love with him and trusted him. There must have been something wonderful but was and more erased by his inner darkness. You have come such a long way to step into the light again! πŸ’–

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I probably have mentioned this before, but isn’t it ironic how the abuser always has the ability to blame the other. I envisioned him sitting on that couch with that grin, I swear I wanted to wipe it right off his face (then I would be the abuser hahaha) xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Lynz, this is hard to read, such a personal harrowing time. I’m so glad you’re safe and the future looks more positive. What struck me is the mention of guilt and shame – something I’ve heard from other women abused by their partners, just horrific.

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  15. Amazing how this type of behavior makes the victim feel as though they are to blame… I’ve seen this time and again and have also felt it in some ways. What is heartwarming though is the response to your writing, Lynn. You must be doing something right! πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

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  16. I have been reading your stories for hours and I think you’re an extremely brave and courageous woman. I hope you will finish your book and that your story will speak to many more women out there. I am very glad to see that your children are all grown and thriving, and that you’re a grandmother. This will make a happy chapter in your story.
    I also would like to inquire about your in-laws. You mentioned they were living in Syria, but with the war going on, do you know if they’re still in Damascus?

    Liked by 1 person

  17. What a blessing having the car was! Just being able to escape for a few hours must have been a relief.

    I’m so glad you and the kids aren’t in this same situation! I hope the writing is helping you sort though all the emotions and you’re healing. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much! It was good that we had a reliable car and that Saleeha had moved into her own place. Thanks Deborah I am also hoping that things get better. My son is graduating in May and so we will see if he tries to come and attend the graduation! xxxx

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          • I recommend Divorce and/or annulment. From what I’ve read I think your children will be on your side.

            I’ve been there…it took me 2+yrs to be strong enough emotionally to face him again and demand a divorce. It’s very empowering, and for me a HUGE boost to my self esteem and mental, and physical healing process.

            Thankfully he agreed, and we used a mediator. Once the mediator was involved and I could pass all dealings with him through their office I felt safe, and in a place where reasonable bargaining could be. It wasn’t likely that he would be violent on the phone with them or in the office with them. He wasn’t. He was the little man he really was there.

            Once divorced and out of his clutches forever and knowing I was free was all I needed to feel on the right path, and get my life back. I wish the same for you!

            The biggest difference between you and me…I was blessed with NO, ZERO children by the Grace of God in the two years I was with and abused by him.
            I think you still have minor children which can really complicate things…but maybe he’s ready to walk away. I’ll pray for that!
            XX

            Liked by 1 person

          • WOW Thank you for sharing this Deborah! I am so glad that you are safe and happy and have moved on with your life! I have not heard from him for almost 2 years so I wish he would just easily divorce and leave me alone. He has asked my older sons a few times about me and will we be able to mend our relationship!! That makes me cringe. Thanks for being so brave to share with me! xoxo

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  18. Hello Lynn. I’ve really missed reading your posts over the last few months and I’m not sure what I’ve missed before this episode took place. It is Number 3, so I imagine there are parts 1 & 2 somewhere. This event is obviously some time after the last part I read, when ‘he’ was on the verge of becoming violent. I’d like to read some of the missing episodes as soon as I have time. I have a lot of catching up to do on my blog altogether as I’ve let it slide a lot last year. This is a disturbing episode, even without actual physical violence. his manner is very sinister.

    Liked by 1 person

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