This is the story of when he was last here (May 2015). I will write what I am able to here and there. This visit was followed by starting a blog and meeting all of you wonderful, supportive friends. It also started a wave of anxiety and panic that I have been trying to recover from for the past year. Thank you for your support and caring!
The visit part 2
Flying down the hall felt surreal, a swift reminder of why I had made few attempts at standing tall, holding dearly to the parts of me that still remained. Years spent groveling, kowtowing and doing whatever was needed to keep this turbulent storm under control had now spiraled into an unstoppable rage.
My cheek had narrowly missed clipping the bedroom door as I tripped and stumbled aimlessly down the hall. His hand grabbed my shirt again and forcefully threw me further into chaos. The warm and gentle brown eyes that had left an indelible mark on my heart, were now blank, cold and formidable. It was a look I had learned to fear, biting my lip and scratching pieces of ragged skin on my cheek had become the only way to stop unwanted tears that mockingly fell to the floor.
Bits and pieces of fear, strength and panic coursed through my mind as I gathered myself, preparing for reality to meet fiction in one swift moment. I ran haphazardly trying to keep my feet steady on the floor, feeling the fury that followed close behind and knowing that the moment had finally come. Years of anxiety and terror had now come to a conclusion and all at once my heart felt as if it would sink and I would give up, crumbling into the person he had ascribed to me.
As I toppled into the living room a strong determined voice called out, a young thin figure, wet hair dripping onto the floor stood before me. She raised her voice and shouted boldly, years of being told to stand, wait and silently watch now discharged into words, “What are you doing!! STOP!
Who was it, Lynn ?
Susie
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Yes, it was difficult for you dear friend…A maniac for sure-no an idiot! xoxoxoxo b-2
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xoxoxoxoxoxo
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xoxoxo
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xoxox
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It is incredible that he could even come here, to the states, to your native land, and continue his assault. My heart raced as I read this. Was it your daughter? The thin figure with wet hair?
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Yes she had not left my side for the whole visit and on this day went to shower and heard him!
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He only gave you 9 amazing gifts, the rest was poison Lynn. I hope, that you are figuring out, how to do now, as we talked about by mail. Remember, that you are always welcome to write, if you feel like, dear friend ❤
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Thanks so much! I am feeling better each day dear Irene! I think the medication is helping to calm my anxiety and my mind is clearing! Your love and understanding are so helpful! xoxoxo
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Good to hear, that you are doing better.
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Thanks so much
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Oh thank god for your brace daughter! Oh Lynn. You are so loved. ❤
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yes she is amazing! amazing as are all of my heroes, angels! I am so lucky Jodi! xxxx
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The strength of your children is down to the strength in you but the thing is that you have had to give every ounce to surviving the ordeal, to escaping and then to having to face the demon once more that you need a little help from those who you raised with those strong loving arms. Your anxiety is a direct result of the treatment you received and it is your bitter legacy but it will dissipate, it will pass with the strength your children learned from you being passed back, dripped into your veins. You will get through all of this with the help of your tribe of amazing children to whom you have been an amazing mother. Hugs to you my dear friend, hugs and warmth and respect that you are finding the strength to write this. You are exceptional. Xxx
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Thanks so much my dearest Fiona! It is a bitter legacy you are so right! I know you understand all too well, the shame and guilt and survival! I am back to trying to write the book! much love xoxo
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The book will emerge in its own time. Don’t try too hard – just go with it. You will find your good method in your time. And I know it will be a stunner when you get there! Xxx
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Thanks dear xxxxx
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Xxxx
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xoxo
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I was about to share this and stopped. It’s deeply person and I wish you and yours the best! Jason
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Thanks so much! You are welcome to share it is an important message! Thanks Jason!
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Jason, After seeing this note from you and Lynn’s reply, I jumped the gate and have reblogged. Having been through a similar situation in the past, I know how important it is for others to be aware.
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Thanks so much!
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Reblogged this on HarsH ReaLiTy and commented:
Some real blogging going on. Some real sharing. -OM
Note: Comments disabled here. Please visit their blog.
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Thanks Jason very kind of you!
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You are strong. You are strong. You are strong.
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Thanks, I will tell myself this!
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Praise be for your daughter. Oh me, oh my. I do so hope you have a restraining order (or whatever they call it in the States) on him.x
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Thanks, I do not! He owns this home with me and I do not want to make him more agitated. It is only paper as many say and that is true xx Thanks Sarah!
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Oh dear. If only you could afford to buy him out!
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He would never allow that if I could. He finds every possible way to block me.
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Your daughter was/is strong because of you. She didn’t develop her personality in a vacuum, she watched you! AND her father. I suspect your strength was merely preoccupied with keeping the peace and protecting your children? Anyway, we all need to be reminded of who we really are by those who love us.
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Thanks and yes you are so right! My strength focused on keeping everyone safe xx
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This is terrifying. I’m so glad your children were able to help you make this needed break. Even when you know what needs to be done, it’s not easy. Thank you for sharing your story with us! xxoo (K)
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Thanks so much K xoxoxo
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Your writing always draws me in. Having been with someone with similar traits, I feel for you and your children for having to endure this for so long. It’s wonderful that you were able to escape and make a new and wonderful life for yourself.
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Thanks!
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This gives me chills. So glad you have found your voice.
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Thanks
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Your daughter as reinforcement…wonderful ! It’s hard to read, but your story must be helping others, Lynn. Proud of you.
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Thanks so much Van! I am trying to continue writing and get a book finished.
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We are like the Phoenixes that rise from the ashes. You have done this and flew away well nearly but I think it is a lot better for you. He sounds like a psychopath. Be well my friend
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Thanks Joseph x
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You’re welcome. Just know your loved and protected
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Thanks so much!
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Dear Lynz I cannot express the fear and pain reading this brings to mind. Thank God your daughter has got the guts to stand up to that man. She has learned her strength of character from your example. All the years she has seen your inner strength and fortitude has truly taught her well. She can see what a coward and nasty person he is. If you ever need support please email me , even if I can just listen or sympathise with you. Love and hugs willow. xxxxx
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Thanks so much dear Willow! xx
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This is terrifying
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Thanks for reading
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He could not trick anyone anymore. Even the kids showed him their horns. Their attitude weakened all his power which was only a way of covering his own frustrations and insecurities. I am sorry, it was you who had to bear this all!
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Thanks so much for your lovely comment Erika! xoxo
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💖 Huge hugs, dear Lynn 💖
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Xxxx
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I am so glad the medication is helping with your anxiety Lynn. You know we are always here for you, whether you want to continue sharing your experiences or just your lovely landscapes and cutie twin photos! xo
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Thanks!!!!! xoxo
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Reblogged this on Out crawls Ann.. and commented:
I felt this needed to be reblogged.. no abuse is acceptable ever.. check out her blog http://lynzrealcooking.com
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Thanks so much!
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You’re very welcome 😊
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Xx
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You gave your children strength and, most fittingly, they gave that strength back to you. Bless your daughter for showing her strength when it was needed most. Here’s hoping that every day is a little better for you.
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Thanks so much Peggy! I feel better and your wish for me is amazing!!!
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You never cease to amaze me!!
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Thanks for reading Tasha! I have missed you!
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and likewise!! 🙂
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Oh Lyn! If he can still come back at any time, how could you not be filled with panic and anxiety! Thank God for your daughter and all of your children. This was so striking to read. I held my breath and my heart skipped a beat for you! You are amazing!
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Thanks for reading dear blue xx
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Very powerful writing Lyn. My heart goes out to you.
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Thanks Robyn xxx
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Painful, powerful, writing. Good for the little figure in front of you.
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Thanks derrick! xx
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Continue to heal, Lynn. We’re all behind you.
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Thanks xx
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I so wanted to know what happened after reading the previous post. I am glad your daughter showed up. She was really brave. I pray for you to heal and overcome your anxiety and fear. May you experience peace and love. Stay strong.
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You are so kind xxx
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Tears are thick in my eyes. You’ve been through too much, dear Lynn. All I can do is give you a virtual (((HUGS))) and pray that your anxiety abates and this man leaves you alone. Bless you for being so brave as well as your children!!! ❤
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Thanks so much Amy xxxx
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How frightening! Lynn, I am sooo glad you are out of that abusive relationship!!
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Yes me too xoxo
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xoxox
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Xoxo
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Such a brave girl!
You’re in our thoughts here – I’m glad you are feeling up to getting the story written down again. It’s your own bravery showing though!
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Thanks so much Sarah! Xx
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Each time I read your story mama Lynn, I never cease to be amazed at how strong you are.
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You are so kind sweetie xx
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Thank goodness for your daughter. How terrifying Lynn! Thank God for your children and parents.
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Thank you xxx
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Wow Lynz! Thanks for sharing. It is through our shared pasts that we can encourage each other.
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So true! Thanks dear
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BRAVO LYNN ! I love your fierce voice speaking out your own truth. ❤
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Thanks so much!
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This must have been something else for you to write, recalling such a violent time. You’ve certainly come a long way. Keep getting stronger.
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Thanks Karina I am working on it xxx
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It takes courage to even put this down. I hope this strength continues and keeps your family together and safe. And I hope you never have to test that strength again!
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Thank you so much! I hope so as well!
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Fierce, forceful writing, Lynz- almost shaking reading this. The blessing of your daughter being home. I just hope you’re safe and recovering from this visit.
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Thanks! I am trying, taking medication and trying to face my fears. Thanks for caring! She is an angel!
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As tears roll down my cheeks….I could feel the fear and anxiety climbing…..sounds terrible but all I could thing of was pull out the big knife and make him stop…..then there it was….out of the mouth of babes…….never, ever be alone with him again…..if he shows up unexpectedly, get out and away…..xxxxxxxxxxxxxkat
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Yes I surely will leave! My son graduates from college in May! He came for Foof’s graduation so tension is in the air. Love you sister and thanks xxx
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Oh the memories….and you are not alone….how many women are living in this same nightmare. May God give you strength to continue your journey of healing!!!!
And always remember what a blessing are the nine children and now the grandchildren you have!!!
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So many feelings as I read this. You Lynz are a survivor and your story will help others find the strength to come out on the other side.
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Thanks Steph! Do you think still experiencing anxiety is normal?
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I would think so after so many years of such extreme abuse. And part of me thinks you never fully recover from such an experience. While the physical scars heal the psychological and emotional one are another story.
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Thanks dear! Feeling like I should be better and I felt you might know! Thanks sweet Steph! xx
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My situation was different because thankfully I did not have any children by my second husband. When I left it was for good and other than the handful of times when he tried to make contact I never laid eyes on him again. It’s been over 25 years and my stomach gets tied up in knots thinking about it.
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Thanks for sharing dear! I am trying to move forward but it’s hard. I do still worry that he will show up. My son is graduating from college in May and so I am hoping he does not come!
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I hope not as well. Though given his history it might be prudent to have a contingency plan in place so that you aren’t ever alone with him.
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I will file for divorce if he says he is coming!
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You don’t think he would come and not announce himself do you? I’m scared for you.
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I think that is my anxiety issue! I dont think he would but that is always on my mind
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I’ll be praying first and foremost for your safety, that you can find some peace of mind and that he won’t ever darken your doorstep again.
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God is so good! I’m so glad your daughter was there to call him out on his abuse and cruelty! She is a brave woman!! And only because you raised her that way!! You have so many talents, and gifts! Those 9 precious children of yours are worth more than gold! And your 2 grandsons are treasures indeed!!
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Thanks so much sweet friend. Trying to be calm and work on my anxiety. Please pray for me!
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I am!!
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Xxxxxxx
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Reblogged this on and commented:
I felt the need to share this because I lived through a similar experience and because sometimes knowing the bad that happens to others can save us at some point. I want to applaud you, Lynn, for your courage getting through that and for sharing it here.
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Thanks so much!!
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Thank you for sharing. I know how hard it is to relive those moments in your head and even harder to share. The more I read your blog the more strength I see in you.
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Thanks so much! I am trying! xxxxx
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Oh my! This made my eyes smart with tears for you Lynz. Thank goodness for your brave daughter. So sad that you have had to endure such an experience. It is very brave of you to share it all here on your blog, I truly admire you. No doubt it will help other women who are going through similar experiences.
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Thanks so much Marje xx
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I think that if he dared to return he would have a large percentage of 1,871 people to answer to! Hugs coming your way Lynn. (((())))
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Thanks so much Peter xx
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