I shut the door and quietly clicked the lock into place, covertly listening for little voices as I moved closer to his bed. He sat upright running his hands over the stubble that marked his balding head. A heavy sigh exited his mouth, he managed a sideways grin as if to say he understood that crazy was now where we resided. He didn’t know how much more he could take of my insolence and rebellion, how to rectify this situation or how to fix my broken and deteriorating condition. I stood before him in a shambles, picking nervously at the jagged skin that now marked my face and hands. I felt that I could no longer remain erect, waves of sick and debilitating weakness made my legs sway and twitch.
Giggles and nervous footsteps made their way past the door, stopping momentarily before moving forward. I gathered myself together once again and placed my feet firmly on the marble floor. I had struggled for several years now, fighting off rebellion that had been fueled by ugly realization and awareness. My existence had become a regimen of locking, checking, monitoring and daily inquisitions. I questioned each and every movement, making sure that a small pan had not been placed on a large burner, all legs of the couch were either on the rug or off, curtains were drawn and secured at nightfall and that I was always at the ready, waiting to serve. Old worn work pants hung around my waist, laced with blotches of bleach and cleaners, a tattered shirt that served as pajamas and day time attire was stained with sweat and grime, no frills allowed. I inched my way closer to him as tears fell, at first softly and then in waves of indignant humiliation, hoping to purchase another day of peace and freedom.
Oh, Lynn, I have goosebumps…
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Thanks Marina! the trade off in an abusive life
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I need more than this to quench my thirst! Please, continue!!
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trying sweet lady xx
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I know. I just can’t believe what you’ve been through (figure of speech). Love and hugs to you always, Lynz. You are such a strong and inspiring lady. ❤
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Xoxo thanks so much!
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This just breaks my heart. I feel so much joy that you have gotten away from him!
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Thanks so much PJ xxx
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xoxoxo
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xoxo
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😦
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Keep writing!!!!
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I will try xxxxc
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Sounds like a living nightmare
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This went to spam! Sorry for my late reply Juan! Thanks for your caring and comment
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My father was an evil man, it took years for my mom to leave him. She was terrified him. Actually, we were all terrified. It takes great strength and courage to leave a situation like that. I admire you for being able to do it.
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Thanks for sharing Lynn. I am still suffering from panic and anxiety so hearing about others does help! Yes terrified still
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To systematically drain the life from another person til all that remains is a husk and a tiny voice locked away that reminds the person of who they are. To do that is true abuse. This is powerful writing, Lynn – your voice is gathering pace xx
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Thanks so much dearest Fiona! xxxxx
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Meant and i MEAN it that we must find time to chat and I know it was me that blew out this week but lets try again next? Xx
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Yes for sure dear Fiona! We are both busy so things just fly past. Call me any time xx
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heart-wrenching sigh………. ❤
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I couldn’t think of what word I wanted, but this is definitely it – heart-wrenching!
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Thank you Sarah xxxx this was the hardest part and sticks with you
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Thanks for reading Jodi! xxx
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Wow, your writing is amazing Lynn and your words are powerful.
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Your so kind dear friend xxxx hope you are well and today is easy
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Oh gosh…my situation wasn’t as dire as yours…but I do remember those trade offs…..makes my skin crawl actually…………keep sharing Lynn. As you do, I hope your feeling lighter…💛
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Thanks so much xxx
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A powerful write and I was there feeling myself on the edge of a pin cushion Enduring that for years must have been utterly awful.
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Thank you so much Joseph! I have missed you. How are you? Xxxx
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I’m doing fine and I miss you as well. I am busy putting writings on the computer….there is so much and I will try to publish it posthumously. Then there is all my writing at the moment as well. I have been canning for a week straight and no relief in the future. People keep giving me stuff and I am finding really good deals at the market. I hope you are well. Love your stories. How is the book going?
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So glad you are doing well dear friend. Sounds like you are so busy! I am doing pretty good and the book is ok. I am lacking direction and trying to sort through it. Thanks so much for caring xxx
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With your books start with the first memory and build upon the others in sync. Or write them and put them in order of time it happened, You will do well.
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Thanks I will try xx
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🙂
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Bless your heart…for all that you’ve endured!
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Thank you Tasha xxx
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Lynn, when you write of this part of your life, your words leap off of the page, weaving a heartbreaking tale that needs to be told. Such courage you have to have left this horrible life.
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Thank you so much Lynn. The last time I saw him was 15 months ago and it seems like it was last month. I hope I can offer hope to others and support. This will help me xxx
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I hope that sharing your story offers you healing & the realization of how strong of a person you are to leave this life. I have no doubt it will speak to others who feel trapped in abusive situations & hopefully offer them hope & courage to make the necessary steps to take action.
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Thank you so very much Lynn xxx
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Lynn, let us hope your story will help other young women in a similar situation. I don’t know how you survived that.
Leslie
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I do hope so! The aftermath is lingering but I am trying!
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When you are young and in love, you have no idea what you are getting yourself into.
Leslie
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yes so true!
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Absolutely a controlling, miserable existence with an IDIOT! xoxoxo b-2
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Thanks for reading Cheryl xoxo
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Oh my stomach dropped and I flavour suffering! WhAt gripping and emotional writing!
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Thanks so much Deborah, I didn’t want to bring this part of life up, but I will try in my book. It was probably one of the most devastating parts of the abuse cycle.
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You are able to make us look through your eyes; Lynn. And what they see is only heartbreaking!
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Thank you for caring. It is hard to admit these simple facts and they are still part of me xxxxxxxx your a dear friend
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I totally understand that. When I started writing a draft for a post, while writing I came across your story. I did not mention a name but the people who know you might figure out that it is about you. Would you be ok with me posting that once as a Monday post?
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Most definitely xxxxxx
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Thank you 😘😘
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I hate this it is so painful!
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Thank you for caring Willow xx
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I do xx
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Xoxo that means allot
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No words 😥
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Thanks for reading xxx and caring
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You have us all spellbound …
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Thanks so much dear JC xx
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Abuse is crazy-making, Lynn. It’s impossible to endure and not begin to deconstruct. Intense writing, my friend. I’m so grateful that something inside you eventually broke free. ❤
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Thanks so much! It was the beginning of the end and I could no longer pretend xx
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This is a true life horror story. I’m so sorry you had to endure this. But I admire that you did endure.
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Thanks so much Colleen. Intimacy was one of the most devastating parts of the abuse and took me to a level that left me empty, feeling like a walking nothing and noone xxx
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You know you are something, and someone. Even then. You were a warrior. You did what you had to do to survive.
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Thanks so much! I still feel I can’t let that warrior go haha. So hoping I can heal and feel safe. Your support is much appreciated and I love your drawings and words. Your blog speaks to me Colleen! xxI want to order your book!
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Thank you Lyn! You don’t have to let that warrior go. Never if you don’t want to. Or if you want to, when you’re good and ready.
🙂
And thanks for wanting my book. I can leave a link ‘here’. But I don’t want to presume I should. Or you can go to the bottom of any of my blog posts and the link is there. And thank you. That means a great deal to me. ❤
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I would love the link thanks!
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🙂 Thank you Lyn, here it is:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/c-faherty-brown/when-i-was-little/paperback/product-22878616.html
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Thanks so much xx
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Oh, my G*d – the pain, and the torture of it all. I hear it and feel it in your words.
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Thanks so much for reading! I am glad it came across to you! Thanks so much xxx
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You were treated like a prisoner and it breaks my heart. Thank heaven you got out!
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Thank you Carole xxx
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Oh Lyn, this makes me want to cry! Your writing is so real and authentic and palpable! Have you ever read anything about the effects of being married to a psychopath?
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No not much. But the aftermath is not fun as you know. Xxxxx
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I ask because a therapist I saw for three weeks asked me if I had and I said no. It has made me wonder if I should. And when I read your post I thought of you.
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I read about it a little while in saudi trying to figure it all out. I would like to,know more blue xxxx
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I think it could help us face what we can’t and at the very least understand ourselves better.
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That would be great
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I think of you often Lyn. xx
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You are so sweet! xxx
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xxxx!!!
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xxxx
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If you have good reading please tell me xx
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I have just started this week reading some online articles that I could share with you. Is there a way to email you, or would you like me to share them through your comments?
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Mom_of9@hotmail.com
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I will gather some infornation for you and email it tomorrow. As well as some ways to help during a trigger or panic attack that I just learned on Wednesday from a new therapist. Hugs Lyn!!!
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Xxxx
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I am so, so sorry you have gone through all that you describe (and all that you have yet to disclose). My hope and prayer is for healing of your heart and soul. I am sorry, friend 😦
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Thank you Cathy. It is a long road that I hope to be able to relay to others who face similar life circumstances. Xxxxxx
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Your post made me walk down memory lane too. It was terrible and I feel good for you, that you now are able to get some of it out through your writing.
That monster has destroyed so much of your life, you need to find a way out of that control, otherwise you allow him to continue to rule your life, dear Lynn. He does not deserve that.
Do you have any possibility to join any kind of therapy? I know, that cognitive therapy taught me to go on and live my own life and to release a big part of the past.
Other good ways to help yourself can be through meditation and yoga. Both help us to release, whatever is not serving us any longer.
Big hugs to you, dear friend ❤
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Thanks so much. I went to therapy a couple of times. I will look up cognitive and see what that is! Thanks for writing me and for always caring xxxx
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I wish you to be able to live your life without fear Lynn and I know it is possible, even patience is necessary.
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I wish for this Irene! Thanks for giving me hope. Xx
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Lynn, whenever I know a post is of the past, and to do with him, I almost freeze. I know it’s going to be awful.
Whenever I read stuff like this, I hurt so bad inside for you!
It makes me admire your strength and courage so much!!
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Thanks so much for reading and supporting me. As you know its a long road and can be lonely. Xxxxxx your caring helps allot
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You’re welcome. We all love you!!
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Thanks sweetie
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😀
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Horrific
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Thanks for readinv
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Wow, can’t say more. You are so brave.
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Thanks for reading
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Thanks dear xx
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No one has to live an abusive life. I am glad you’re OK now and I wish you all the best, dear Lynz ❤
Have an awesome weekend!
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Thanks dear
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Lyn you give voice to the tragedy that is life for so many women.
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Thanks for reading Robyn xx
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Oh my, Lynne. No one deserves that kind of treatment.
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Thanks for reading, it became normal after so many years. Looking back it sounds crazy x
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I can only imagine.
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Xxx
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I can’t even…. Hugs!!!!
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Xoxoxo
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Lynn, I’m sorry you had to live through such terrible humiliation – but you did. You are a survivor. Well written story. You have a beautiful gift. ooxx
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Thanks so much for your love and support! Xxx
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I had goosebumps after reading this! Hugs, Lynn 🙂
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Oh Lynn, I feel so bad you went through this. What a release, to write it down!
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Thanks this one was a release!
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This is one of your strongest pieces! Visceral. It screams of pain, fear, and disappointment.
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Thanks so much for reading! xx
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Oh my friend….I am sooooo happy the pictures above this story is of a beautiful, healthy grandmother holding her 2 beautiful grandsons, in a peaceful life that you are in complete control of…. what a change from where you were to now….sooooo happy that you got out….to me when I read these snippets of your life is like I am ready about another woman, not the one in front of me……love you sister….and my oh my those boys are growing fast….they will be walking around the furniture soon….hope the parents are getting rest….they are soooo cute!!! .all my heart to you…..xxkat
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Still it hurts!
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yes it does, it stays with you for a long time and becomes a part of you.x xxx
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It also builds your character if you are , as you are xxx
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Humiliation and abasement piled upon humiliation and abasement. So glad to know when I read this that it is over.
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So glad you escaped from this abusive relationship. Often women make the worst choices when they are young and in love. 😦
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Sorry this was in spam! Thanks so much Marje xx
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Oh my… this is powerful writing Lynn! Pls keep going. Big hugs!
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Thanks dear CH!
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We’ll-written. I’d rather hit the “sad” button, not like! But then look at your beautiful life now, your gorgeous daughter and grand mom to twin boys!!! Just to mention a few rewards you now have!
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Thanks so much xx
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Reliving this must be torture Lynn. How are you managing. Reading about your life with him, is pure hell …xxx
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Thanks for reading lynne. I am o.k. trying to find a therapy that fits with me. xxxxx thanks for caring
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Just heartbreaking. How can one have any self esteem in a situation like that? 😦
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Thanks for reading sis xxx
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