Don’t make mama cry!

When Osama and Yusuf came for visits during their time at University it was a huge adjustment back to the old reality. This story is based on a visit one summer.

 

“Don’t make mama cry” I gulped down tears and scratched at my chin, holding it steady to prevent the quivering that seemed to grip my hands and face in recent months. Those words had become a common theme and echoed in my mind repeatedly. The green school table was modern and bright, a cheery reminder that life moved on and the world still turned as we sat behind four cement walls of isolation. I could hear my son on the marble stairs, a repeat in time continued to play, adding a new refrain with each changing episode. But now he was strong and confident, his voice could be heard echoing from the roof landing down to the basement room where I sat at the school table.”You have satellite in your room, the kids and mom should have it too“.

He was now a grown man, living out his dream of attending University in America. He stood on the landing of the villa that lead to the outside roof area where he had instructed the technician to make a new hook up.  A nervous smile planted on his face, he calmly addressed his father, who stood on the stairs, raging and flailing, stepping up and then down, slamming his hands on the rail. Distance had brought about a new perspective and a resolve to not accept the edicts that randomly vacillated between unhinged and lunacy. He reasoned with his father in a firm and unrelenting tone that had grown from a two year old’s first words, “Don’t make mama cry” into a calculated and strategic counterclaim.  He had been out in the “real” world and his eyes were open to the stark reality that he felt was akin to a silent prison.  This quick trip to visit during break had been stressful and rules regarding placement of household furniture, specific words, foods and gestures, now seemed to be more unreasonable than he had remembered. A lifetime spent watching, following and protecting had now risen to this occasion where he would defy his father.

I looked around the basement room, no doors or exits and now no way out. I sat scratching my chin, biting my lip to prevent the dreaded tears that were seen as manipulation. The clicking of his ship ships (Arab sandals) now turned to missed steps as he bolted down into the basement room. Dirt mixed with sweat left traces of my smudged fingerprints on the glossy school table, signaling my mind into a state of patterned fear. He lunged towards the table, yelling and screaming, grabbing my  preschool class papers, holding them as props in his tirade. He paced and then pounded the table, waving the documents in my face, ABC patterns and farm animals. I shuttered and stumbled to remember the words I was to speak, “I am sorry I will not do that again” but no words came. He repeated the phrase I had heard since that day when my little toddler dared to follow him up the stairs in the modest Seattle home, “Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Do not turn my kids against me!” and with a swish he tossed the worksheets into the air.

 

 

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119 thoughts on “Don’t make mama cry!

  1. It’s amazing and admirable that your children turned out well despite being in that kind of environment. Likewise, for you too. How you suffered and yet…you remain strong for your children and raised them well. It is commendable, Lynz. You did such wonderful job raising your children despite the circumstances. I don’t know if I could have done the same thing. Thinking about it, it made me a bit emotional. I am glad that God is making it up to you now; living a good and happy life surrounded with beautiful environment and family. Best wishes to you and your family. I hope you had a peaceful Memorial holiday. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks so much Anna! I have a great deal of guilt and allot of anxiety. I think I will write a post about this in order to maybe reach others! The happiest time in my life but I feel locked in fear and dread! Sorry haha to be so realistic but the effects are long reaching and there is a struggle. I so appreciate your love and support xxx

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      1. Yes, of course Lynz. It’s understandable. You are human after all. You probably feel guilt because you were abused for so long that you convinced yourself that you are not allowed to be happy. You deserved to be happy. Even God Himself wants us to be happy Lynz. So, don’t ever feel guilty. When you feel that way, just lift them up to God and He will tell you what you should do. I believe guilt is from the devil. He does not want us to be happy that is why he instill this to people. The anxiety you feel is because you were never allowed to feel angry when you were being abused. That is why it’s coming out now because no one is no longer treating you that way. About your fear, this share I with you, Lynz. Believe it because it’s true.
        “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”
        ~ Isaiah 41:10
        Lastly, just remember that God loves you so much. Best wishes Lynz. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. This brought tears to my eyes. My faith was taken away twice, when he pushed me to convert and then when things went bad. I feel alone and faith was always my cornerstone and now that is gone! xxxx

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Lynz, nothing is ever final as long as we are breathing. God has promised to those who want to go to Him will not be rejected (see John 6:37) He loves us more than we can comprehend. He is always been faithful to His words and promises. He is always waiting for us to go back to Him.
        “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
        ~ Jeremiah 29:13

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      1. Thank you Lynz for your honesty. You are in a challenging situation. I admire your strength and enjoy catching up with your family. I must admit y’all intrigue me. But then again, I feel like an armchair traveler.

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  2. Children are blank canvasses upon which parents right. You were/are so strong that no matter what he tried to inscribe your marks were more forceful, meant more. Strength and might are not about anger and fear but about love and a sense of belonging. You prove this to us all by having ALL your babies with you now and He a shadow in the wings of their lives.

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  3. I have been waiting for this post….almost, and its only almost feel sad for him, his little warped world crumbling around him….sad he felt betrayed by his own child….so very sad….but that was then and now is now …and your back home and have all your beautiful children with you, a testament of there love and now grandbabies…life is good Lynn….let those old memories of another time spill out of you and onto paper where they can live forever and not in your heart!!! Bravo for you and your children, not to let Tierney ruin your lives….moving forward onto a beautiful future…you really are the bravest person I have ever met, hands down…..grandma!!! nothing but love for you….xxkat

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  4. Evil evil evil man. Manipulative, controlling, nasty man. And he tries to blame it all on you…??? Typical example of a bully.
    Thank goodness for your wonderful son 🙂

    Never forget, NONE of this was your fault, not one bit xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I haven’t been on WP for a while trying to prepare for my conference. I was checking emails and I saw the title of this post. The boys always seem to put the fathers who were abusive in place when they get older.

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    1. He has a hold of fear! I will be honest it has been so ingrained in me that I feel I am now panicking several times a day! I don’t know why, why now? As I wrote the last story I started thinking that although I am now free, I am repeating in my mind the old cycle of happy, then worry and fear, within minutes a great day turned into a scary day. I am going for counseling on Friday!!! I am going. I have been in denial just trying to be happy, move on and forget, but it keeps coming up! thanks dear lynne xxxxxxxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lynn,
        I can so understand your emotions. Even though you have moved away from the source of your fear, you constantly worry that that source will come back to you, how did you dare defy that source and walk out and what will happen if and when it catches up with you.
        I have been there at least a couple of times and am so with you on this.
        At my last work place, there was a office bully woman who ran the whole department with an arm of terror. No one really liked her but everyone who wanted peace in their office lives made peace with her, buttered her up and gave her a God-like aura. She was like the big sister of the department, or so everyone said. She had control in Human Resources, Travel, Funding- you name it, she had family there- people whom she had appointed there, so they could help her in times of her trouble.
        A lot of her bullying was directed to me. I used to protest you see, so that made me evil and she made sure that others understood me as evil.
        One day I resigned. I left. I was unemployed . There was no means to make two ends meet. But those days of freedom from her were blessed and cursed at the same time. We live in a small city. I dreaded the fact that I might run into her sometime and then that the fear would start again. This I think is akin to what you are going through now. You live in fear of your husband coming back and taking over.
        Now its three years since I left. Last week my most dreaded dream came true. I met her at a shopping mall, as I was getting out. I had to stop to talk, though I would have preferred not to.
        But Lynn, basically nothing happened. She sort of perceived that I did not want to talk much and so she left me alone. I feel truly free now. I am empowered now as yo will feel in due course and then your life will take off, to the unimaginable vistas, you might not even dream of reaching now.
        One day, that day will come, Lynn. Hold on to your faith and your children, Lynn.
        Susie

        Liked by 1 person

  6. NOW that Osama has two boys of his own-he will do right by them always. For the idiot (and he is an idiot for sure) can no longer blame you! Once you accept that and know it in your heart you’ll release so much tension, anxiety my dear Bestie. He can no longer hurt you or any one of these children -they will not allow it! Believe that. The sucker is a dried up old prune and I really want the idiot to come to play in my backyard! So buster if you are reading this bring it on-I have a small army in defense on the front line. I am watching — we care about Lynn — bring it on loser!!! xoxoxoxo B-2

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  7. Amazing how He could for a moment accuse you of turning his kids against him without looking at his own behavior! What blindness! I want to give your son a big hug for being so brave and defending you against such horrible abuse. You’ll just have to do it for me, Lynn.

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  8. Lynn, I am thankful you are no longer with him and the kids have an understanding of the situation you were in. Your kids are strong and that is because you are a strong person. I know at times you may feel something other than strong, but you are. You have many friends here, we support you and believe in you. Happy Day my friend! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Awh! But believe me – it is not always a bed of roses – good days and bad. But never mistreatment like you were subjected to. You did the right thing.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. You are all of you so brave. And you have come so far. Anxiety is normal, but I feel sure that there will always be the strong bond of your beautiful family to steady any worries. (K)

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I can only hope for you that one day you will truly be rid of that ugly, nasty man, both physically and mentally. I know you need more time to adjust but you have made tremendous progress! You know we all love and admire your courage and tenacity! xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Guess it never occurred to him that HIS children had their OWN minds as well as eyes and ears to see and comprehend what had been taking place in the home. Pitiful

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Always wanting to blame and never taking responsibility… Looking back you must be so proud of your son. He stood against what was wrong and stood up for what was right! He was paving the way toward breaking out of that mold. A modern day hero for his loved ones!

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  13. Abusive people are quite Vick to accuse others have f turning their children against them. You can’t turn a child against a little vying parent. My father often said that to my ther when he was mean
    N. What they mean is, “back me up, no matter how Wong I am.”

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  14. Error abusive people are quick to accuse others of turning their children against them. You can’t turn a child against a loving parent. My father often said that to my mother after he was mean to us all.

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    1. I think that is so true, you see kids trying to see their parent even if they are told bad things. I actually said nice things, tried to paint a great picture, the kids would get mad!

      Like

  15. Our children–such blessings! It’s sometimes heartrending to get to peek inside what you and yours have been through, but wonderful when we see the final outcomes. Blessings all around to you and your family, Lynz! 🙂 ❤

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