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Revival

 

A brief introduction to this portion of my story which may seem out of place but is actually deliberate– People ask me quite often, “were there good times” ” was he ever nice” so this segment is in answer to those questions. A huge part of the emotional abuse that I went through was the constant- building me up, then just as quickly and even more devastatingly breaking me down cycle. It is hard to explain abuse or give a clear picture so this story will hopefully serve that purpose. You are living under strict rules, harsh criticism, constant fear and lack of love or attention. So these moments, even days occur where you are deluged with warmth, compliments and what appears at the time to be, love. Then just as quickly this is snatched away and can happen over a dropped tissue, a step through a mud puddle, anything.

 

Life remained the same on the large Riyadh compound. Temperatures made their usual dip and climb, which meant a steady but sure rise until a hot and unrelenting heat was complete. People walked the loop and savored the intermittent sunshine, discussing where R and R tickets would take them for the holidays.The compound had become a revolving door for those who entered the Kingdom with the large communications company. They unpacked, became part of our community and no sooner were whisked off to a “better” or different location. My little bakery had been an experience, but was winding down for the year, never to return. A business meeting with two ladies from a designer label, had resulted in a request for my little bakery to supply five dozen pastries early each morning for their newly established coffee bar. This had ultimately brought the current difficulties of operating a bakery from home while tending to a family of 8, to the forefront and seemed impractical. The older boys were ready to finish their first year at the big school and See See and Foof would be enrolled at the girl’s section for the coming year. After months of aggravation and incessant inquiries, he was finally transferred to a new department and a sense of relief was felt throughout the household. Summer was only weeks away and this meant a break from the back and forth school trips, waking the kids at 5 a.m. and the numerous obstacles faced at Arabic school.

With the school year winding down, thoughts of swimming at the pool, going on the shopping bus and sleeping in, made the household buzz with excitement. It seemed as if an unstoppable wave of happiness filled our home. The year had been full of significant transitions and milestones leading me to believe that finally the time had come, a reprieve from my undeniable mistakes and faults and what seemed to be recognition of my better qualities. The little girls, who had been fearful to leave my side, had now hopped on the big bumpy bus each day, learned to read English and made many friends at the American school. My two older sons had started at a new school and their Arabic language had made huge improvements.  He had secured a new position and was sure this would be the best department, utilizing his expertise and optimizing what he was capable of.

The door flung open and he walked in, smiles and laughter, announcing his new position and the change in departments. A much needed and sought after adjustment that offered a small salary increase but a more fitting assignment that would compliment his experience. He walked towards me and his eyes seemed somehow different, the past engulfed me and tingles captured my body as I stood, a young and naive woman once again. He leaned forward and touched me, both literally and figuratively, a touch that had been absent and had been replaced for years with guilt and the constant reminder of obligation. My heart was still connected to this dream, a man that had long since removed himself, but still a lingering dream inside of me that was easily revived. He laughed and joked, asking me to have lunch, to go out in the car and leave behind whatever sputtered and cooked on the stove.  In the midst of cleaning and cooking, anything left out of place was not mentioned. The usual barrage of comments about toys, food not covered properly and a chair that had shifted and touched the wall, were now replaced with talk of the amazing woman that stood before him. A dependable, powerhouse, someone no one could touch or come close to and no one would value like he did. I stood basking in this beautiful feeling and watching in delight, his adoration of all that surrounded us. I knew that my patience had paid off and things would now return to where they had started, winding our way in the old green vega, through the Palouse to that hidden wedding chapel.

 

 

129 Comments Post a comment
  1. Dreams attended, Dreams unfolding, Dreams never met! xoxoxo Bestie 2

    Liked by 3 people

    March 31, 2016
  2. Relationships like that are never simple either/or. That you survived and escaped is wonderful. Although I know that is the outcome I look forward to reading more about your journey. My heart goes out to you and the children for what your life was like.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 31, 2016
    • Thanks so much for the support! It is very hard to explain!

      Liked by 1 person

      March 31, 2016
      • I have a vague sense. When my first husband was unhappy and miserable (he has passed away, God rest his soul) I kept thinking it was my fault and he did not correct me from that notion. Sometimes it is how women are brought up to think about their relationships that keeps us in them. But in a country and a culture that you lived through, there would be so much to overcome to break away. I like the intro you put in now. It does put this in perspective.

        Liked by 1 person

        March 31, 2016
  3. Anonymous #

    Did you ever have any problems with the morality police in Saudi Arabia?

    Liked by 1 person

    March 31, 2016
    • No, I wore a black abaya, socks and a long black scarf. I never wore make up and followed all rules very carefully. This way you have no issues

      Like

      March 31, 2016
  4. You were in love. What else could you do?
    Leslie

    Liked by 1 person

    March 31, 2016
  5. Thank you for sharing Lynn. I was in a marriage once where my husband was a cocaine and other drug abuser. I was very young and naive and did not believe his friends and my friends as they tried to talk sense into me. I thought our troubles were somehow my fault and I couldn’t believe he would use drugs. I finally woke up one day and admitted the truth and that I was not to blame. (This was the day the US Marshals appeared on my doorstep to tell me they had been watching my husband and could tell I was unaware and needed to warn me.) I call this time of my life the roller coaster. Each day was anxiety what might be coming. I still have unresolved shame of this time of my life and reading your stories, although my trials were trivial compared to yours, it is helping me realize that everyone has things in their past they must resolve and move on. You are an inspiration to me and I don’t share my gratitude enough with you. You are making me stronger!

    Liked by 3 people

    March 31, 2016
    • Wow thank you so much for sharing this with me! We can gain strength from each other and this is so special that you chose to share with me! xxx much love Paula!

      Liked by 1 person

      March 31, 2016
  6. Your introductory paragraph was perfect, Lynn. I haven’t heard you use the word “abuse” before (perhaps you have). It’s so crystal clear, and I let out a huge sigh of relief at your clarity. It’s so hard to see from the inside with all the emotional manipulation; a lot easier to see once broken free and the pieces fall into place. You are one amazing woman who will inspire others everywhere. 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    March 31, 2016
    • Thanks so much! That makes me feel so good! I have had a hard time saying “abuse” it’s hard to accept and to say. So, now I hope to just openly say it, I have used it in response to comments only not actually just said it! I used to type it in tags and then hurry and delete it! It has to just be out there, hopefully others will learn and know what it is!

      Liked by 2 people

      March 31, 2016
  7. Lyn, thank you for such an honest and sincere sharing of your heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 31, 2016
    • Thanks for reading Robyn! It’s hard to share your feelings of love and passion for someone who was clearly not there and cruel.

      Liked by 2 people

      March 31, 2016
      • I find it interesting how convoluted, confusing and complex the love of someone is. It’s never unequivocal is it? You love this aspect and not that aspect. I imagine a kind of tallying up: if the positives outweigh the negatives we tend to overlook the shortcomings. Of course I imagine when you have suffered the emotional manipulation that you have, then you are always expect things will improve. I suspect that is why many women stay in abusive situations. They hope for a return to the good times. I understand that in your case, you didn’t have the luxury of choice Lyn.

        Liked by 2 people

        March 31, 2016
        • You have really put it so well! I felt like a fool and then I read an article years back that said, if the person came up and swore at you, belittled you, hurt you, you would run the other way, but there is a romancing period and mine lasted about 5 years until I had little kids! They slowly show their true colors!

          Liked by 1 person

          March 31, 2016
  8. You must have been on an emotional roller coaster ride for so many years Lynn! I sincerely hope that things are much better for you and your children. It cannot have been easy… Hugs!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    March 31, 2016
  9. Heartafire #

    I so moved by this, Lynz. I think the inconsistency is the hardest thing to cope with, not knowing what to expect, being so grateful for kindness and closeness, then having it snatched away without warning. My heart goes out. Beautiful telling of this story Lynz, remarkable!

    Liked by 1 person

    March 31, 2016
  10. My heart aches for you. Every time I read a glimpse of your life I am deeply saddened that you endured such hardship. But I am thankful that you have decided to share these stories that have helped others and inspired many. God is faithful. Blessings.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 31, 2016
  11. He’s so manipulative, playing your mind and emotions. But, you know the truth now.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 31, 2016
  12. Anonymous #

    I like your title, Revival. It’s a perfect description for the moments you described of him coming home happy and reminding you of the good old days. Very well written, Lynn! You took us inside how you were feeling and what those moments meant to you. Powerful stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

    March 31, 2016
  13. Dearest Lynn. I, too, was glad to see you name the “abuse” for what it was. It was abuse – emotional and physical, too. And the term “cycle of abuse” definitely applies here!!! You get reeled in by the love only to be clobbered by what comes next. Just know this, friend, you are stronger for it. Though the thought of those abusive times with ALWAYS suck, you have survived, and you are making your way on your own. Good job!!! You are amazing!!! ❤ You have so many people who love you and always will. Know that! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    March 31, 2016
  14. Truly a bait and switch. Life was a rollercoaster of emotions in Saudi.

    Liked by 2 people

    March 31, 2016
  15. I can only imagine the immensity of the next “downfall” on this one Lynn. You have my hugest admiration. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    March 31, 2016
  16. Thank you for giving us a clearer picture of the ups and downs. I can feel the emotions and hope in your words. (K)

    Liked by 1 person

    March 31, 2016
  17. This was a great post, Lynn. I have nothing to compare personally but from hat I’ve read this is a classic pattern for abuse and all of the emotional upheaval is what makes it so hard to trust your own judgment. I’m so glad you are where you’re at now with your wonderful family:)

    Liked by 1 person

    March 31, 2016
  18. I think for this kind of guy, this is a way of life. For them, fear matters more than love. They make you to be afraid of everything to do not leave them. They need slaves, not wifes. Glad you’re well know, Lynz 🙂
    Big Hugs ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    March 31, 2016
  19. You’ve written this from the heart it shows from the very beginning with your intro until the last lines. So sad that he treated you this way and your dreams were so cruelly dashed Lynz. I’m so glad that you are free, able to live life again, and share your experiences with others.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 1, 2016
  20. I can only imagine what happened after this brief period of bliss 😦 Everything revolved around his life only, truly selfish! Thanks for sharing your story and inspiring us, Lynn ❤ You are strong !

    Liked by 1 person

    April 1, 2016
  21. This makes me fearful for you

    Liked by 1 person

    April 1, 2016
  22. I am speechless Lynn, you know how I feel… emotional and verbal abuse is so damaging. Glad you are accepting the word abuse, it is a word that can’t be sugar-coated. Hugs my friend 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    April 1, 2016
  23. Lynn, I am very glad there were ‘good’ times and times of happiness. Thanks for another great post, I am always interested in reading about you and the kids. Happy Friday! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    April 1, 2016
  24. I don’t imagine that it is easy to talk about your story…it is really touching. Thank you for sharing your story so others can learn.

    Liked by 2 people

    April 1, 2016
    • Thanks for reading. It is not easy and is still continuing so not in the past totally. I hope others will think and have hope and see it is not them.

      Liked by 1 person

      April 1, 2016
  25. I’m quite speechless Lynn, at a loss for words. Lots and lots of hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 1, 2016
  26. Anita Kushwaha #

    Beautiful, Lynn. This post really provides insight into the highs and lows and what I imagine must have felt like a false sense of security. I really sensed the hope you felt. It’s a brave thing to be hopeful. Happy Friday! 🙂 xo

    Liked by 2 people

    April 1, 2016
    • Thanks so much Anita! hard to explain! Happy Friday to you, when do you go to London?

      Liked by 1 person

      April 1, 2016
      • Anita Kushwaha #

        Yes, I can imagine how hard it is, but you do a beautiful job, truly. I head out on Tuesday evening! 🙂 Taking an overnight flight, ouch. But it’s the only one we could find. I don’t have anything planned for the day we arrive, so hopefully I’ll be able to rest and catch a nap. I’ll probably get over the jet lag just as we leave, ha ha. Still, I’m planning my own stuff to do in the city, and I’m finally starting to look forward to it. Thanks for asking! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        April 1, 2016
  27. He played the game so well…just enough attention so keep you hoping…

    Liked by 1 person

    April 1, 2016
  28. And more the story unfolds – wow!

    Liked by 1 person

    April 1, 2016
  29. ooooh, I can relate to this one..

    Liked by 1 person

    April 1, 2016
  30. Thanks for writing with clarity about the turmoil you experienced with him. I’m so glad for you that you left. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    April 1, 2016
    • Thanks so much for always reading and supporting. It is not fun to tell but necessary!

      Like

      April 1, 2016
  31. You still loved him and believed in this love. Such a moment must have been heaven on earth and the push in between you needed to fuel your energy and motivation.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 1, 2016
  32. Carissa #

    I dont know why but this post brought me to tears. You have a way of writing that makes me understand you so well and I feel like I am in your shoes. I was wondering is this common for Middle Eastern men to be like this, spontaneous, angry at very little things, and always having so high expectation of everything? But yet so loving and sweet when not in one of “his moods”?

    Liked by 2 people

    April 1, 2016
    • It is the abuse cycle which effects people from all cultures and walks of life. I don’t know how common it is but it is everywhere rich, poor, every lifestyle!

      Liked by 1 person

      April 1, 2016
  33. The awareness that you are bringing to domestic violence and abuse is tremendous Lynz! I hope you know that! Your past is someone else’s present and what you’re doing will ultimately help another lost soul who doesn’t know any better! Many blessings to you Lynz, you are truly an angel!

    Liked by 2 people

    April 1, 2016
    • that is so nice of you to say Tasha! Some days I wonder if I should continue writing, maybe it is pointless and hard! But, yes your are right and it is so sweet of you to tell me! Thank you dear. xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      April 1, 2016
      • You write so well, it’s almost like reading a novel. You seem to have a natural talent for writing, the way you tell your story is truly captivating….there is no way what you are doing is in vain! Keep up the good work.

        Liked by 2 people

        April 1, 2016
  34. It’s amazing how that hope was still in you and how he could awaken it. What a time you had 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    April 1, 2016
  35. Lynn you do such an amazing job of illustrating your life. You paint such a vivid picture with your words. I can feel the heat. The shocks from the stove. The build up and hope when he was kind here. You build up the feelings in your reader.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 1, 2016
  36. Often other people don’t see how abusive a relationship can be… because mostly an abuser makes sure other people see a different side to them… or they may even have mental health issues you were unaware of. Often it is not taken seriously… until it is too late.
    I don’t think anyone would knowingly get involved in an abusive relationship. Most relationships start off well.
    It sounds as though he was taking out his disappointments in life/work… by turning on you. Though that is no excuse.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 3, 2016
  37. I’ve been seeing so many things (coincidentally) about abusers recently. How they do build up, just to tear down. Such an exhausting cycle! So sorry my dear Lynn.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 4, 2016
    • It is exhausting and also crazy making! It seems ridiculous now, but you are in an alternate universe, I guess that is why the isolation

      Liked by 1 person

      April 4, 2016
  38. I am pleased that at times you did get to smile and relax even though I am sure these times paled to insignificance in comparison to the bad times.

    Liked by 1 person

    April 5, 2016
  39. I have been asked the same question. And yes, they do have good qualities. That is how we ended up with them in the first place, and what keeps us there for so long. They can be nice just enough to make being with them very confusing and keep the hope that things will change alive. This was a good description of their “good” qualities: a wolf in sheeps clothing!

    Liked by 1 person

    April 7, 2016
  40. It is nice to read that there was a spark of humanity within him.. But the circumstances were again filled with his own ego.. As his celebration was all about him and his promotion , which gave you hope that all was not lost.. I sigh for your emotional roller coaster that he put you through..

    Liked by 1 person

    April 8, 2016
    • Thanks so much dear! Can you believe it, I gave up only just last year! I felt bad for him, tried to help, tried to love, finally all hope for him was lost in my heart after 33 years!

      Liked by 1 person

      April 8, 2016

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