Revival

 

A brief introduction to this portion of my story which may seem out of place but is actually deliberate– People ask me quite often, “were there good times” ” was he ever nice” so this segment is in answer to those questions. A huge part of the emotional abuse that I went through was the constant- building me up, then just as quickly and even more devastatingly breaking me down cycle. It is hard to explain abuse or give a clear picture so this story will hopefully serve that purpose. You are living under strict rules, harsh criticism, constant fear and lack of love or attention. So these moments, even days occur where you are deluged with warmth, compliments and what appears at the time to be, love. Then just as quickly this is snatched away and can happen over a dropped tissue, a step through a mud puddle, anything.

 

Life remained the same on the large Riyadh compound. Temperatures made their usual dip and climb, which meant a steady but sure rise until a hot and unrelenting heat was complete. People walked the loop and savored the intermittent sunshine, discussing where R and R tickets would take them for the holidays.The compound had become a revolving door for those who entered the Kingdom with the large communications company. They unpacked, became part of our community and no sooner were whisked off to a “better” or different location. My little bakery had been an experience, but was winding down for the year, never to return. A business meeting with two ladies from a designer label, had resulted in a request for my little bakery to supply five dozen pastries early each morning for their newly established coffee bar. This had ultimately brought the current difficulties of operating a bakery from home while tending to a family of 8, to the forefront and seemed impractical. The older boys were ready to finish their first year at the big school and See See and Foof would be enrolled at the girl’s section for the coming year. After months of aggravation and incessant inquiries, he was finally transferred to a new department and a sense of relief was felt throughout the household. Summer was only weeks away and this meant a break from the back and forth school trips, waking the kids at 5 a.m. and the numerous obstacles faced at Arabic school.

With the school year winding down, thoughts of swimming at the pool, going on the shopping bus and sleeping in, made the household buzz with excitement. It seemed as if an unstoppable wave of happiness filled our home. The year had been full of significant transitions and milestones leading me to believe that finally the time had come, a reprieve from my undeniable mistakes and faults and what seemed to be recognition of my better qualities. The little girls, who had been fearful to leave my side, had now hopped on the big bumpy bus each day, learned to read English and made many friends at the American school. My two older sons had started at a new school and their Arabic language had made huge improvements.  He had secured a new position and was sure this would be the best department, utilizing his expertise and optimizing what he was capable of.

The door flung open and he walked in, smiles and laughter, announcing his new position and the change in departments. A much needed and sought after adjustment that offered a small salary increase but a more fitting assignment that would compliment his experience. He walked towards me and his eyes seemed somehow different, the past engulfed me and tingles captured my body as I stood, a young and naive woman once again. He leaned forward and touched me, both literally and figuratively, a touch that had been absent and had been replaced for years with guilt and the constant reminder of obligation. My heart was still connected to this dream, a man that had long since removed himself, but still a lingering dream inside of me that was easily revived. He laughed and joked, asking me to have lunch, to go out in the car and leave behind whatever sputtered and cooked on the stove.  In the midst of cleaning and cooking, anything left out of place was not mentioned. The usual barrage of comments about toys, food not covered properly and a chair that had shifted and touched the wall, were now replaced with talk of the amazing woman that stood before him. A dependable, powerhouse, someone no one could touch or come close to and no one would value like he did. I stood basking in this beautiful feeling and watching in delight, his adoration of all that surrounded us. I knew that my patience had paid off and things would now return to where they had started, winding our way in the old green vega, through the Palouse to that hidden wedding chapel.

 

 

129 thoughts on “Revival

  1. Relationships like that are never simple either/or. That you survived and escaped is wonderful. Although I know that is the outcome I look forward to reading more about your journey. My heart goes out to you and the children for what your life was like.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing Lynn. I was in a marriage once where my husband was a cocaine and other drug abuser. I was very young and naive and did not believe his friends and my friends as they tried to talk sense into me. I thought our troubles were somehow my fault and I couldn’t believe he would use drugs. I finally woke up one day and admitted the truth and that I was not to blame. (This was the day the US Marshals appeared on my doorstep to tell me they had been watching my husband and could tell I was unaware and needed to warn me.) I call this time of my life the roller coaster. Each day was anxiety what might be coming. I still have unresolved shame of this time of my life and reading your stories, although my trials were trivial compared to yours, it is helping me realize that everyone has things in their past they must resolve and move on. You are an inspiration to me and I don’t share my gratitude enough with you. You are making me stronger!

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  3. Your introductory paragraph was perfect, Lynn. I haven’t heard you use the word “abuse” before (perhaps you have). It’s so crystal clear, and I let out a huge sigh of relief at your clarity. It’s so hard to see from the inside with all the emotional manipulation; a lot easier to see once broken free and the pieces fall into place. You are one amazing woman who will inspire others everywhere. 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 2 people

      • I find it interesting how convoluted, confusing and complex the love of someone is. It’s never unequivocal is it? You love this aspect and not that aspect. I imagine a kind of tallying up: if the positives outweigh the negatives we tend to overlook the shortcomings. Of course I imagine when you have suffered the emotional manipulation that you have, then you are always expect things will improve. I suspect that is why many women stay in abusive situations. They hope for a return to the good times. I understand that in your case, you didn’t have the luxury of choice Lyn.

        Liked by 2 people

        • You have really put it so well! I felt like a fool and then I read an article years back that said, if the person came up and swore at you, belittled you, hurt you, you would run the other way, but there is a romancing period and mine lasted about 5 years until I had little kids! They slowly show their true colors!

          Liked by 1 person

  4. I so moved by this, Lynz. I think the inconsistency is the hardest thing to cope with, not knowing what to expect, being so grateful for kindness and closeness, then having it snatched away without warning. My heart goes out. Beautiful telling of this story Lynz, remarkable!

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  5. My heart aches for you. Every time I read a glimpse of your life I am deeply saddened that you endured such hardship. But I am thankful that you have decided to share these stories that have helped others and inspired many. God is faithful. Blessings.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I like your title, Revival. It’s a perfect description for the moments you described of him coming home happy and reminding you of the good old days. Very well written, Lynn! You took us inside how you were feeling and what those moments meant to you. Powerful stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dearest Lynn. I, too, was glad to see you name the “abuse” for what it was. It was abuse – emotional and physical, too. And the term “cycle of abuse” definitely applies here!!! You get reeled in by the love only to be clobbered by what comes next. Just know this, friend, you are stronger for it. Though the thought of those abusive times with ALWAYS suck, you have survived, and you are making your way on your own. Good job!!! You are amazing!!! ❤ You have so many people who love you and always will. Know that! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This was a great post, Lynn. I have nothing to compare personally but from hat I’ve read this is a classic pattern for abuse and all of the emotional upheaval is what makes it so hard to trust your own judgment. I’m so glad you are where you’re at now with your wonderful family:)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think for this kind of guy, this is a way of life. For them, fear matters more than love. They make you to be afraid of everything to do not leave them. They need slaves, not wifes. Glad you’re well know, Lynz 🙂
    Big Hugs ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  10. You’ve written this from the heart it shows from the very beginning with your intro until the last lines. So sad that he treated you this way and your dreams were so cruelly dashed Lynz. I’m so glad that you are free, able to live life again, and share your experiences with others.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Beautiful, Lynn. This post really provides insight into the highs and lows and what I imagine must have felt like a false sense of security. I really sensed the hope you felt. It’s a brave thing to be hopeful. Happy Friday! 🙂 xo

    Liked by 2 people

      • Yes, I can imagine how hard it is, but you do a beautiful job, truly. I head out on Tuesday evening! 🙂 Taking an overnight flight, ouch. But it’s the only one we could find. I don’t have anything planned for the day we arrive, so hopefully I’ll be able to rest and catch a nap. I’ll probably get over the jet lag just as we leave, ha ha. Still, I’m planning my own stuff to do in the city, and I’m finally starting to look forward to it. Thanks for asking! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  12. I dont know why but this post brought me to tears. You have a way of writing that makes me understand you so well and I feel like I am in your shoes. I was wondering is this common for Middle Eastern men to be like this, spontaneous, angry at very little things, and always having so high expectation of everything? But yet so loving and sweet when not in one of “his moods”?

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  13. The awareness that you are bringing to domestic violence and abuse is tremendous Lynz! I hope you know that! Your past is someone else’s present and what you’re doing will ultimately help another lost soul who doesn’t know any better! Many blessings to you Lynz, you are truly an angel!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Lynn you do such an amazing job of illustrating your life. You paint such a vivid picture with your words. I can feel the heat. The shocks from the stove. The build up and hope when he was kind here. You build up the feelings in your reader.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Often other people don’t see how abusive a relationship can be… because mostly an abuser makes sure other people see a different side to them… or they may even have mental health issues you were unaware of. Often it is not taken seriously… until it is too late.
    I don’t think anyone would knowingly get involved in an abusive relationship. Most relationships start off well.
    It sounds as though he was taking out his disappointments in life/work… by turning on you. Though that is no excuse.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I have been asked the same question. And yes, they do have good qualities. That is how we ended up with them in the first place, and what keeps us there for so long. They can be nice just enough to make being with them very confusing and keep the hope that things will change alive. This was a good description of their “good” qualities: a wolf in sheeps clothing!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. It is nice to read that there was a spark of humanity within him.. But the circumstances were again filled with his own ego.. As his celebration was all about him and his promotion , which gave you hope that all was not lost.. I sigh for your emotional roller coaster that he put you through..

    Liked by 1 person

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